unspoken - phan

decisions.

I found myself laying on the floor.
My eyes began to flicker and the blurry faces around me got clearer.
The high pitched noise in my ears faded and I came slowly back to reality. Did I pass out?
"Are you alright kid?"
I recognized the teacher and nodded. I sat up and felt my head aching. "Do you know what happened?" He asked.
I couldn't grab my notebook. I didn't want to be the weird boy who had a panic attack during PE and was mute. All my classmates glazed at me. I felt thousand eyes on me.
I wiped over my face with my sleeve, hoping that no one saw the wet tears on my cheeks.

I couldn't out me now as the strange boy. I looked helplessness at Phil, who stood right next to the teacher.
For my surprise he understood my inner scream for help and answered. "Um, I think he just stood up too fast." I nodded. "Oh okay then. Do you need to go home?"
I wanted to go home, I wanted to collapse on my bed, crying.
But instead of saying that, I just shook my head and stood up. That was it, now I was officially a target for everyone. I was the awkward boy who cried and passed out.

When we left the gym I walked far behind the other students. I didn't want someone to begin a conversation with me, asking me questions which I had to answer. So I just stared at the ground, kicking some loose stones around. I still felt a bit dizzy, but it wasn't bad. As long as I could walk everything was fine. Passing out was at least a sign that I was getting skinnier. Even though I was unsure whether my panic attack caused it.

„Dan!" I turned around and saw the pitch black haired boy named Phil waving at me. I stopped walking and prepared myself for something painful.

Are you a psycho or anything?
Omg you looked hideous during your panic attack.
Why aren't you already in a mental hospital?
Freak.

„Have I said the wrong thing to Mr Smith? I made it worse right?" He looked insecure. My eyes widened, I immediately shook my head and formed a "thank you" with my lips.
"No problem" But his smile turned into a frown. "What exactly happened?" I sighed and took out my notebook.
'panic attack'
I wanted to slap myself for that, why did I tell him? I shouldn't befriend him.
"Oh I'm sorry for you, does that happen a lot?" He said worried.
I shook my head, even though it was a lie. It happened way too often. But he didn't need to know, until now he seemed to not dislike me and that was something I needed at the moment.
"Do you want to sit with me at lunch?" I doubt that he wanted to sit with me voluntarily. Maybe he just wanted to sympathize or he wanted me to feel better. I nodded insecurely, at least I wasn't alone in a toilet cabin crying.

We walked straight in the direction of a table with three other students. Two boys and one girl. I was getting nervous and my thoughts began to take over.

What if he planned something?
What if he and the others are bullies and I stepped right into their trap?

Everything kept spinning around.

I shouldn't hang out with him, I will hurt him eventually.
He doesn't deserve a fucked up, mute friend like me.

I stopped walking, grabbed my notebook and wrote hectically something on a blank page.

'I forgot my mobile phone in the sports hall, sorry'

Phil looked confused at my bad excuse. "I can come with you" He said with his usual half smile. But I just shook my head and quickly turned around, walking away before he could have grabbed me.

To my relief I had french next, which wasn't one of Phils courses, so I just sat there in silence.
Even if Phil was just a kind person, now he was probably done with me. He could've seen over my weirdness. May over my muteness but definitely not over my refuse to sit with him. That was too much.
Too much awkwardness.

At my old school I never had friends.
I was the weird nerd from day one. I was the "fag", the "emo-boy" and I got bullied almost everyday. It started with name calling, with stolen lunchboxes and money, but got quickly on a new level; violence.

I came home with bruises and bloody noses. But my parents never noticed. When I came home from school they were already at work. I only saw them in the evening. Not at breakfast, not at lunch or dinner. There was always food in the fridge, but I stopped heating it up after a while. I thought I didn't need it, if I didn't had it at school either. But I didn't become skinny, because in the middle of the night - during crying sessions - I sat on the kitchen floor eating, trying to fill the hole in my heart, mind and life.

And with 14, punched on a daily basis, ignored by everyone including my parents, alone and fat, I finally stopped talking. I just stopped. I never had much to say, but in one of those nights I completely and officially gave up.
It took my parents at least three days to notice. They asked me if I was refusing to speak and I just nodded. And they just accepted it, after dragging me to a counselor who didn't know what to do.

I had to change schools because of my marks and I didn't expected any difference. I knew that I probably wouldn't get bullied from the beginning but I knew no one would notice my existence. And now on day two, I knew that someone either kinda liked me or had the ultimate plan for ruining my life.
Both was difficult .

So I had to make the decision if I either let someone break the silence or continue drowning myself in it.