unspoken - phan

too young.

"Why did you throw your notebook away?"

He knew he couldn't get an answer, because - as he said - I threw my possibility to speak away.
I just kept staring at the table, trying ignore him and every feeling inside my chest.

"Did something happen Dan? Is everything okay?" Phil asked, but I didn't even nod or shake my head.
Nothing was okay, but that was my problem not his. We weren't friends, we knew each other for less than four days.
I was disgusted by myself. Phil was such a nice person and I was so spiteful.
I wish I could have explained it to him, but I didn't even know what.

"You're annoyed by me, right?"

My heart sank a little lower.
That was what I tried to avoid.

Everyone near me gets hurt.

I hesitantly shook my head. He didn't do anything wrong.
It was just easier if I kept being silent. If I kept being alone. I was made to be a lonely, depressed human being, why else would life have treated me the way it did?

"But why are you so aloof? Why do you ignore me?"

I wanted to cry. I felt like I could cry liters and I didn't even know why.
I pushed him away for no reason. It was my decision, so why did it feel so horribly painful?
I couldn't answer, in more than one way.
I couldn't let him be my friend.

Even if he was truly kind and actually wanted to know me better, I couldn't allow it.

I was a bomb who could explode any time and I tried to keep the amount of people I would hurt low.

I was depressed, boring and mute, nobody wants to be friends with me, not even the enthusiastic, positive and lovely Philip Lester.

He gave up trying to get an answer and turned away. I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. He stared at the teacher, slightly frowning.
Maybe in a parallel universe we could've been friends, I thought.

>•<

I entered the house and took off my wet shoes, soaked from the never ending rain outside. I walked, because I felt like it. I smoked two cigarettes on the way, because I felt like it. So I was one hour later at home than usual, but no one would notice because no one looked after me.

"Hi Dan" Alex said, who was to my surprise already home. "Do you want to play mario kart?"
I shook my head. I felt sorry, Alex never had a typical big brother. I was all day laying in my bed, drinking or sleeping. I couldn't talk to him and I was never in the mood to play with him.
"You always say no."

I shrugged. He was right. His clear blue eyes looked sadly at me, but all I wanted to do right now was sleep. Alex was too young to understand how messed up my life was, he was only nine years old.
He mostly was at our grandparents house, he even slept there more often than at home, so he didn't had to hear our parents fights every night.
But they weren't there for him too. He only saw them in the morning and evening too. Okay they spoke to him more often and did stuff like going to the cinema with him, but his life wasn't that far away from mine.

"Please Dan."
I gave up and nodded. I sat down at the sofa next to him and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen.

'Why are you home?'

"Nana brought me home right after school because I wanted to play with you."

'And she left you alone? Did you have lunch?'

Even if I was never there for him, he was still my little brother I needed to look after.
"She left because she thought you would come home after school, but you didn't. And yes I had."

I mouthed "sorry" and smiled guilty. "It's fine, can we play now?" I nodded and he passed me a controller. "You have no chance! I had a lot of time to practice." A big smile was on his face and I smiled back, shaking my head.

Alex couldn't understand how lonely I always was, he couldn't know how much I wanted to die minutes ago, he was too young. But I knew he was the only one who would cry, if I killed myself.