unspoken - phan

something.

A high pitched tone broke the numb clamor.
I grabbed my mobile and stared at the display. Message from unknown.
I was quite surprised, I never received one unless it was from my parents or grandparents.
I unlocked my phone and opened WhatsApp. My sight was slightly blurry and it took me a few seconds to focus.

"Hey Dan, it's Phil 🙋🏻‍♂️"

I raised an eyebrow. How did he get my number?

"Whre do you hve my jumber drom?"

I rubbed my eyes, I felt so dizzy, even though I wasn't really drunk. I looked at the small number on my screen, realizing that it was already 1:42 am. Didn't I just start drinking? Didn't my parents begin yelling a few minutes ago? I concentrated but there was no noise. It was silent at all. Didn't I just hear them? I shook my aching head and massaged my temples. Where did the time go?

Another high pitched sound reached my ears. I stared back at the screen.

"Your jumber? Um you gave it to me in physics"

"Aure"
"Sure"

"Why are you up?"

"Could aks uou the aame"

"Couldn't sleep. You?"

"Just wone up"

"Are you okay Dan?"

"Just a mitte tired"
"A litte"
"Little"

"Then you should go back to sleep. I'll too. See you later at school"

My eyes widened.
"For fucks sake" I mumbled.
It was monday and school started later. I sighed and ran through my hair.
How could the weekend pass so quickly?

"Yea see you "

I rubbed my eyes the second time but everything was still slightly blurry and doubled. I switched on the light on my nightstand and slowly sat up.
The urge to throw up came immediately. I looked around, some chocolate wrappers and an empty bag of crisps were laying on my duvet. The guilt grew.
I shut my eyes for a second but I didn't remember the last evening fully.
Alex and my mum were grocery shopping.
My dad watched tv or something and asked if I wanted to join him but I didn't. I went back to my room and after a few minutes or hours of listening to music and scrolling through tumblr, the yelling began. I grabbed the bottle of vodka, which was half emptied from saturday and drank. The rest was lost.

I stood up and headed to the bathroom.
I hated this, I hated this so much. This was no fun, this wasn't even voluntary.
I knelt on the floor and threw up. (I spare you the details)
Multiple times, until I leaned exhausted and empty against the tiled wall.

I wanna die.
I can't take this anymore.
It's too much.

I sat there for a few seconds, silently sobbing.
Then I got up and went to the sink. Washing my mouth and brushing my teeth -
Multiple times.

>•<

I slumped into the chair next to Phil. My head was still aching and pounding. Every little noise made it even worse and there were noises. Talking people, rustling papers and tapping fingertips and shoes.
Why didn't I just stay home?

"Hey Dan" Phil said happily.
I nodded slightly at him.
"You look awful! Did you sleep?"
I nodded again, but that was a lie.
How could I?
"Do you have a bad day?"
I shook my head, grabbed the blue notebook and a pen.

'Just tired'

"Oh okay. Do you want to hang out today?"
I looked at Phil slightly doubtful. Why would he like to hang out with me?
He waited for my answer.

'Sorry have a lot to do'

I sighed. I had clearly nothing to do. It was redwine monday and I needed to get some sleep. Even if I'd have rather spent the day with him than alone. But nobody asked me in a while to hang out and to be honest, I didn't know what we could do together.
We couldn't talk or laugh together. We would just sit around, silently and awkward. Unfortunately, that seemed better than everything I was on to.

"Well maybe some other day" Phil smiled and I nodded back.
"But if something's wrong, you can call me, okay?"

I wished I could've screamed that nothing was okay at all. That my whole world was falling apart. That every second alone in that hell called home was killing me.
But I couldn't.

He said if something was wrong.
Not everything.