unspoken - phan

here.

Phil refused to go to school or home, he said that he was okay with just sitting on the couch and watching anime.
In other situations I would've been happy or grateful about that, but at that point I just wanted him to leave. I wanted to throw up the apple I ate, I wanted to cry.
But I held my tears back and sat down on the sofa next to him. He still looked worried and I knew he didn't believe me when I said that I was okay.

"Are you cold?" He asked. I didn't even notice my shaking, even though it felt like freezing in here. I was used to it.
I nodded slightly. "Shall I make you a tea or something?" A little smile appeared on my lips. He was a guest in my house, he shouldn't do anything for me.
"No thanks" was my soundless answer.
"But you should have a blanket at least" He stood up and rushed towards the stairs.

Phil was such a - I didn't even know how to describe him, he cared about me. He truly did and even if I didn't want him to he did. I mean I wished he would take a step back and leave me alone with my fucked up life. But I knew I would miss him, even if we just met a few weeks ago.
I didn't understand it myself.

Phil walked downstairs with my blanket and gave it to me. I mouthed a thank you and offered him to share it with me. He smiled and sat down next to me, our shoulders touching.

I missed having a friend so much.
I missed having someone in my life besides my fighting parents and bullies.
I missed being close to someone.

And now it was so overwhelming that I wanted Phil as near as he could get.

And at the same time I wanted him to leave.
To run away as far as he could, so I couldn't hurt or bother him with my fucked up life.

But I couldn't tell him.

"I know you don't want to hear any of this Dan, but I'm here okay? Whatever it is I'll be right here."

I smiled at him, even if I knew that he wouldn't be here after I told him what was going on with me.
I was a freak.
A depressed, every day drunk, mute and starving boy. No one to care about.
No one to talk to.
No one to like.
No one to love.

Why didn't I just keep ignoring Phil. He shouldn't get used to me, I won't be here forever. Maybe not even another day, because everything keeps getting worse for me and even if I'm practically sitting on a couch with a friend I'm still hating life, I'm still lonely and it will never get better. I will mess up school again, I will loose Phil as a friend and I will never have a fucking future.

"Hey, why are you crying?"
I stopped listening to my screaming thoughts and looked at Phil. His face was filled with worry and still he had a soft smile on his lips.
"Don't cry Dan."
His thumb wiped over my cheek, but the tears kept falling. I couldn't stop.
Phil embraced me gently and I leaned into his chest. It was just too much. Everything was just too much to deal with.
I didn't want to let go of him. I didn't want to open my eyes and face a lonely reality again. And as if he was reading my mind, quiet words soothed my broken heart.

"It's okay. I'm here."