unspoken - phan

for some time.

"Sorry" I mouthed embarrassed as I let go of him.
"Don't be, it's fine."
It wasn't. I was a whiny and pathetic baby, that couldn't stop crying. I don't know why I cried so much, we barely knew each other. I wiped with my sleeve over my face to dry my tear stained skin.
"We don't have to talk about this stuff yet okay? But remember that I'd never judge you, I'm your friend and I want to help you." Phil just smiled softly and I tried to smile as well. I didn't have to try hard, his words made me feel so much better. I wished I could just talk to him. I mouthed a quick thanks and I knew he understood it.
"Do you have your phone with you?", he asked and I shook my head. "Wait a sec."
He stood up and ran upstairs, just to come back with his mobile ins his left hand and mine in his right. I raised an eyebrow. "We can text each other, that would be so much easier than lip reading." I shook my head in disbelief that he came up with stuff I never thought about.
I unlocked my phone and waited for a message from the boy who literally sat a meter away from me.

"10 questions each"
                                                 "you start"

I didn't really want to play that game, there wasn't much to know about me.

"Favorite band?"
                                            "easy.. muse"
"Lol same"
                                  "well there goes my 
                                    question... favorite
                                                   subject?"
"I like art and sports"
                                   "wow i hate sports"
"I figured"

With a little smile on my lips because of the stupidity of this situation the questions past quickly and as we reached ten each, we went on.

                                "who are your friends
                                                at school?"

"Pj and chris (and
you obviously) I think
you got to know pj
during sports"

                                 "curly hair with weird
                                             green eyes?"

"Yeah and Dan it was my turn!!"
"Who's the boy on
the photos?"

"my little brother alex"

"Why wasn't he here
yesterday?"

"he basically lives with
my grandparents
but he'll come over today"
"do you have siblings?"

"None"

For some time I stopped thinking about the pain in my stomach, about the apple that I ate and the urge to get rid of it.
I forgot the scars on my wrists and my soul.  My drinking problem and my inability to speak.

But as soon as we couldn't come up with any more questions, everything came back.
Almost an two hours had passed since I ate the apple and I knew that I had to throw it up immediately. But since Phil was still there, I saw no other option but doing it silently and quick.

"i'll be right back"

Were the words I texted him before rushing upstairs into the bathroom, locking the door and kneeling down in front of the toilet.

For a second I just stared.
(massive trigger warning)
Then I put two of my fingers down my throat, feeling the unpleasant feeling of sickness slowly emerging in my body. I twitched with a silent cough, moving my fingers back and forth until another jolt moved through my chest. Tears welled up in my eyes, my heart pounded heavily.
Why couldn't it just happen?
My right hand clutched the toilet while my left aggressively tried to make me throw up.
With a sudden jolt everything left inside my stomach came out.
Shakily I grabbed a slice of toilet paper and wiped my mouth and fingers clean.
The tears kept falling while I tried to do it a second time. I felt so gross, so fat.
A sore pain from the heavy movement rushed through my body when nothing more than stomach acid came up.
I closed my eyes and flushed the toilet.
My head hurt, my eyes hurt and everything hurt.
I stood up, washed my hands and quickly brushed my teeth.
I didn't even know what I would say to Phil. Maybe that I called my grandma just to make sure that Alex came today.

I slowly trotted downstairs and fell tiredly next to Phil on the couch. "What took you so long?"
I grabbed my phone and texted him called my grandma and he just nodded.
"Do you feel better?",he asked.

And I wished that I could've said yes,
that I felt better for some time,
but I didn't.