unspoken - phan

selfish.

I was exhausted from my circling thoughts.
It's quite tiring to overthink a whole life and then to eventually come to the conclusion that it was all worthless.
I felt like screaming. I could've screamed at everyone how lonely I was, but I couldn't even speak a word.
I wanted to stay home. I wanted to oversleep the day - and the next, and the whole week. To be honest, I wanted to sleep forever.
I was so tired, sleep couldn't help. I was tired of living.

I felt guilty to think about something like that, while my little brother enjoyed hanging out with me so much. I knew he would care.
But he had friends, he would survive a world without me. It may be even better.
My mum and dad would probably work less to be there for him.

Everything would be better without me. I knew that my family would be quite sad, but they would get over it. I was just the silent son, the nonexistent big brother, the depressed grandchild and the anxious cousin.

Most or them already forgot about me.
They didn't need me.
Everybody would get over my death

First I had biology, which was luckily none of Phils courses. He would've been too much.
I was craving for something else than silence, but couldn't handle clamor.
I wanted to wrap my arms around him and bet him to rescue me, but that was impossible.
I was lost.

Nobody cared about me.

When I entered the classroom after break, where I was just sitting on a bench outside, I already saw Phil on his usual seat next to mine.
I sat down and he didn't even tried to talk to me. Normally it would've hurt me, but I was numb. I was used to be hated by myself and the whole world.
I stared at the table, like I always did, but something was odd.

There was a light blue notebook.

I waited a second, then I hesitantly opened it, unsure about its purpose.
On the first page something was written in a neat handwriting, the opposite of mine.

'restart'

I was quite confused. I turned to the second page.

'Hi, my name is Dan'

I raised an eyebrow. Who even wrote this? It was obviously not me, considering the handwriting.
I turned towards Phil, showing him the page.

"Hi Dan, I'm Phil."

It took me a few seconds to realize. Then my eyes widened.
"I knew you would regret throwing yours away, so I got you a new one" Phil smiled.
I couldn't resist. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tightly.

He could've ignored me, he had every right to do it, considering my rude and awkward behavior, but he didn't.
He cared.

"Everything okay?" He asked when I let go.
My eyes were blurred with tears, but I nodded and mouthed "thank you".

Nobody ever did something like that for me.
I was so done with everything, but that little gesture made me feel less lonely for the first time ever.

I couldn't even remember the last time someone truly cared about me. I was a burden to everyone and my problems were just pathetic.

"Not for that."
I grabbed a pen and turned to a blank page.

'Sorry for ignoring you, I was a bit down.'

"I could tell. You're often right?"
I shrugged, but Phil knew he was right.
"We'll fix that. Don't worry" he smiled widely and I smiled back.

I didn't know if it was the best idea to become friends with him.
He shouldn't suffer from my fucked up life.
But I was selfish, I really needed him.

And I promised myself that if I ever hurt him, I'll push him away.