unspoken - phan

stared at.

-Phil-
Dan left shortly after we had eaten, seeming a little absorbed by thoughts, leaving me a bit worried. I just couldn't really tell what was going on in his mind.

He either was this giggling boy, playing video games and watching anime, or he was that lost and fragile figure, crying on the floor.

I liked him anyways, I just wanted him to be happy all the time but it seemed like I couldn't help him with that and that made me even more upset. Maybe I cared too much about him or just not enough.
Dan was an unfinished puzzle and I neither had all the pieces nor could I tell if I even had the right ones.

I didn't like not being able to help him.
I actually hated it, even if hate is a strong word. I just couldn't bear seeing someone getting hurt, whether caused by a stranger or themselves. I didn't like not having all pieces of a puzzle.

It was like sitting in an exam and realizing that you learned the wrong things.

Like standing in front of a hundred people and forgetting your speech.

Lost and blind.

My mum always said that I cared too much, but I couldn't see that.
I just liked having an overview of a situation, planning things. I liked knowing people and their intentions. But I knew what she meant, when I found myself sum up people or when something unexpected happened and all I could do was internally scream.

But it was just a perk, a habit of mine.
And Dan was a friend, I didn't control him or anything so it didn't matter. I was concerned and I just wanted to help him.
At least he ate today and reassured me, that he didn't have a serious problem with food, like I thought before.

I laid down on my bed, on the same spot Dan just had slept and I couldn't stop myself from wishing he'd still lay there. 
I knew he didn't like me the way I liked him, he made it pretty obvious even though we kissed twice. He probably just did it out of interest or something, but I knew he didn't feel the same as I did when our lips touched. It was more than I'd ever felt or at least in a long time. It was like everything would turn out right and every pain from the past would just disappear.
I knew that he hadn't felt that, because he left while I wanted to keep going until all worries were gone.

My eyes rested on the yellow wall across the room. On the nails, which once held photos. Photos I took off years ago, even if it felt like yesterday.
I could still feel the eyes on me, hear the whispers of other students. Years had passed, but Pj and Chris still behaved like it just had happened - or did I?

A knock pulled me out of my thoughts.
I sat up and wiped away the tears that somehow made their way out of my eyes.
"Yeah?"
The door opened and a smiling Pj glanced at me. "Hey."
I raised an eyebrow. Him living just five minutes down the street had its advantages and disadvantages.
"Hey, why are you here?"
He walked into the room and sat down at my desk, letting some books fall onto the surface with a loud thud.

"Español, mi amor. We had planned to learn together, you forgot?"
I sighed as I remembered. I had asked him if he could learn with me for the exam tomorrow, because he natively speaks italian which is kinda the same as spanish.
"Qué pasó?"
"Todo está bien",I answered untruthfully.
"Is it about Dan? You two just left school."
"No, he just didn't feel good and spent the day at mine."
"And?",he sounded kinda excited.
"Nothing, what do you think about?"
"Uh, I don't know, maybe that you two-",he grinned widely.
"Just because you're gay doesn't mean that the whole world is",I joked.
"Maybe we've infected you."
"With?"

He cleared his throat and gestured an imaginary rainbow.
"Love."

I rolled my eyes but couldn't hold back a little grin. I was friends with Pj for more than a decade now and he was that kind of friend everyone needed. He wasn't a gay bestfriend, he was a funny, caring and intelligent just bestfriend. He was the best one to ask for advice and even if our friendship had a break for some time, we managed to kinda get back to where we were before.
I knew he would never judge me, but I just wasn't in the mood to talk about Dan at that moment.

"You know, if you like him -",he began slowly. "I don't!", the words shot out of my mouth. Pj furrowed his eyebrows, looking as confused as I felt.
Why did I say that?
I didn't even know myself, because I did like Dan a lot.
I knew that I was bi.
And I knew Pj would never judge me.
"Yeah, okay. Just know that it'd be okay if you did."
"Sorry I don't know where that came from",I chuckled a bit nervously.
"It's fine. Let's just start learning."

I just didn't want to be known and stared at even more.