unspoken - phan

tuesday.

On tuesday I skipped school.

My mum knocked that morning on my door and said "I'm off to work hun, breakfast is on the table" and I concluded that it was her hand which accidentally slipped the evening before.

I didn't answer and I didn't went downstairs to have an high caloric breakfast to ease her guilt.

I didn't hate my mum, I never truly could. She wasn't good with feelings, neither with caring. I couldn't really understand why she wanted kids. I know she loved us with all her heart but I think she's more a head person. She's busy, she's tired and burned out.
But I wished I could've told her how burned out I was. How lonely. How tired.
How fucking tired of living.
But I didn't hate my mum and that's something you can never say to someone you love.

I stared at the ceiling. My stomach hurt like hell, but I didn't give in, not this time.
I held my hand in front of my eyes.
Opened and closed it. Every little bone visible and I knew it. I knew how much weight I lost in the past months, in the past years.
But it didn't give me satisfaction. I still felt disgusting and I felt like nothing changed.

A stifled tone pulled me out of my thoughts I reached out for my phone which laid on my nightstand. It was a message from Phil and if I didn't feel that numb, I probably would've smiled.

"Where were you?"

"home"

"Are you okay?"

"sure"

And that was it. I kind of wished that he would've asked one more time. Ask if I was really sure and I wished I could've said no.
Phil didn't actually care, nobody did.
And I wasn't okay, not even nearly.

I was starving. Tears ran down my cheeks every time I paused the music, that blasted in my ears. I couldn't deal with any other noise beside it. Every noise was overwhelming.
I didn't speak since years and I already forgot my own voice. I felt nonexistent. I was nonexistent and I wished with every thought that someone was here.
I wished Phil was here. Wished that he would just sit next to me and shared my silence.

But that was far from reality.
There was just me, the white ceiling, the white walls and the red glittery scars on my pale, thin skin.

Before I laid my phone back on the nightstand a sound I haven't heard in years resounded.

Phil is calling.

I just ignored it. It was obviously accidentally. Who would call someone who couldn't answer?
But when he called a second time I figured that he may would.

I confusedly pressed the green button and put the phone up to my ear.

"Hey Dan."
I waited, but he stayed silent. Was he joking?
"Oh."
"Oh my god."
I heard him chuckle.
"Oh my god I'm so stupid" His laugh made the corners of my mouth turn upwards.
Did he actually assume that I would answer? Such a dork.
"I'm sorry Dan I just thought it was a good idea to call you and make sure that you're okay."
I felt so awkward but I couldn't stop smiling about his stupidity.

"C-could you tap on your microphone once for yes and twice for no or something?"
I tapped once.
"Okay that will work. So are you sure that you're fine?"
I tapped once again, my smile was already gone.
"Dan c'mon. You don't have to tell me why and, well, you can't, but you need to trust me that's how friendships work."
Friendships? Did he consider me as a friend?
I sighed and tapped twice on the bottom of my phone.
"Okay listen; you'll be fine."
"That sounds so -" He sighs.
"Dan?"
I tapped.
"Do you want me to come over to your house?"
Yes. Yes god please, yes.
I tapped twice.
"It's no problem, really, schools out."

What would we do? How would we spend the day? I wasn't in the mood for fake smiling, but was it fake when Phil made me doing it?
I pressed the red button and ended the call.

"what could we do?"

"Whatever you want and even if it's just sitting around silently, it's fine with me"

"you really don't have to"

"Hang out with you? I know but I want to :D"

I was unsure if I would regret it afterwards, but after a few seconds I just sent him my address.