unspoken - phan

smoke.

I didn't drink that evening.

My Mum came home first, she said hello to Alex and me, while we were still sitting on the sofa, watching a movie. It didn't surprise me that she wasn't shocked to see me outside my room. She didn't notice how much time I spent there, she couldn't. She asked if we both had lunch and we both nodded, even if I lied. I ate an apple that day and I was still regretting it.

My Dad came home an hour later and I could see how annoyed he was. He wasn't the worst dad, not at all, he was like mum. Always at work and not interested in my life.
They started fighting right after he shut the door behind himself.
I looked at Alex who didn't seem that distracted by it. He stared at the tv like there was no yelling in the room behind the walls.
I grabbed the piece of paper, flipped it over and wrote something on it.

'Shall I bring you to grandma and grandpa?'

"But you don't have a car dan" He said confused.

'We'll go by bus'

"Yeah!" He threw his little hands in the air and smiled wide. I didn't know what he found so exciting about busses. They're most of the time full of people and loud. I wished I was a kid and found things like that cool. But I wasn't. I was more anxious about meeting people than happy.

I stood up and while Alex put on his shoes, I opened my mums wallet and took her ID.
I could have called my grandpa and just asked him if he could pick Alex up, but I had to do something and for that I had to go near the city, where my grandparents lived.

It was quite frosty outside and I regret not putting on a jacket. The wind blew cold in my face and I wrapped my arms around me, but that didn't help much. Fortunately we didn't have to wait that long for the bus and the ride wasn't either.

We walked to our grandparents house and Alex knocked. "Oh hey Alex and Daniel" My grandma said happily, I hadn't seen her in a while. I put a little smile on my lips. "Why didn't you call us? You don't even have a jacket on Dan, aren't you cold?"
I shook my head, I lied way too often.
"We played the whole day and then we wanted to come by bus!" Alex said.
"That sounds nice, do you want to come inside Dan? Shall I drive you home?"
I shook my head again and mouthed "no thanks", even if I would've loved to go inside and eat whatever smelled that good.
"Okay, then see you soon Dan" she said.
"Bye Dan! Thanks for the amazing day!" Alex hugged me quickly, but I didn't want to let go.

I walked through the streets, questioning the current season. It was way too cold for august.
I stopped at a cigarette machine, that I knew from my grandpa who always bought them there. You only had to put money in it and swipe your ID through the card reader.
So I did it and instantly bought three packs. If I had the chance I had to use it. I smoked my last cigarette on my way home today and I was recently in the mood for tons of nicotine.
I put my purchases into my hoodie bag and walked the way back to the bus station.

The day was fine, I missed Alex. I never did anything with him, not even because he was mostly not at home, it was my fault. I was too exhausted and tired to do anything but lay in bed. So the day was fine, I needed it.
I felt like it was the last chance to do anything with my little brother, because the whole way back home I just thought of ending it all.

I put out a cigarette, when I entered my room. It wasn't risky to smoke inside, because no one ever looked after me and my parents were busy with yelling at each other. They didn't even notice the absence of their sons.

I collapsed on my bed, facing the ceiling. I grabbed the lighter on my nightstand and lighted the cigarette in my left hand.
I inhaled the smoke deeply. I filled my lungs with it and then let it slowly leave my lips.

I didn't drink that evening, I drifted in a dreamless sleep and wished to not wake up the next day.