unspoken - phan

pressure.

-Phil-
I stared at Dan. He sat next to me on my bed.
His jawline and cheekbones were sharp, while his eyes were sunken in, surrounded by dark circles. I didn't know what had happened the evening before, but it had to be a lot. He probably drank too much, didn't sleep and didn't eat, while listening to his parents yelling.

He wore a black sweatshirt, as usual, but you could see his skinny fingers sticking out of the long sleeves. His legs were hidden in a baggy black jeans, but I could tell that they were thin, considering the gap between his thighs. I was worried about him and I didn't know if it was too much or too less. I wasn't even sure if he had some kind of eating disorder. Maybe he was just skinny and not a big eater. I couldn't really tell, I felt like he was slipping out of my hands.

Dan was broken, without a doubt, but I was going to fix him, I needed to.
Maybe I fell for him too easily.

He wasn't just beautiful, he was intelligent and interesting and I couldn't really pinpoint what exactly it was, but just everything about him made me feel so much.
And it wasn't like I didn't see his sadness, his problems or how skinny he was, but I could see behind that. I could see more than that and I knew that he was a lot more.

And maybe it was stupid to kiss him while he was literally crying on my bathroom floor, but I just wanted him to feel better. I wanted to show him that he was loved.
But in the end he regretted kissing me back and I couldn't deny that it hurt. It hurt a lot when he showed me the page in his little notebook. But it was my fault, I went too far in the very wrong moment.

I had asked him if he wanted anything to eat, but he denied. He just sat next to me, the thick silence between us.
I'd love to hear his voice.
His lips were pale, like a light shade of lavender mixed with bubble gum.
Dan noticed my stare and lifted his head. His eyes looked so tired, the coffee brown was a little dull, like his hair.
"What",his lips formed.
"Nothing, you're just pretty",I said gingerly.
He shook his head, his white skin turned rosy. "Aren't you tired?",I asked.
"I am",he rubbed his eyes and I could almost hear him growl. I just wanted to pull him onto my chest and hug him until all his problems disappeared.

"You can sleep if you want."
He grabbed his phone and few seconds later a new message appeared on my display.

"that'd be boring for you"

"I'm absolutely fine with it
you'll sleep and I'll learn
for my spanish exam tomorrow"

"gracias"

"prego"

"that's italian"

"And that's why I have
to learn"

The corners of his lips turned upwards and mouthed "dork", which made me smile even more. I scooted over to the edge of the mattress, so he could lay down next to me, which he did.
He was on his side, facing me. "Should I wake you up later or do you want to stay anyways?",I asked. He shrugged looking somehow nervous. "Doesn't matter to me, you can decide it later."
He smiled, his eyes almost falling close. But I didn't stand up to go over to my desk, I knew that he had trouble falling asleep. I stayed until his breathing was steady and calm and his eyelids stopped flickering.

I learned for hours. With my glasses on, a coffee in the right and the spanish book in the left hand. My mum came home later, asking why I wasn't at school and who the sleeping boy in my bed was.
I explained truthfully that Dan hadn't felt good and that he couldn't go to his own home, while my mum slowly remembered that he was the one I spent so much time with in the past weeks.
She said that she would cook something for us so he could eat when he woke up. "He looks so tiny",she'd said and I just nodded, knowing Dan wouldn't eat under such pressure.

Around five in the evening he suddenly woke up. I was in such a learning mode, that I didn't notice at first. But then he just appeared next to me, mouthing something like "buenos días."
"More like buenas tardes",I said and the felt stress faded. His eyes widened a little and a smile appeared on his lips. I didn't want to ruin that bit of happiness he had felt that moment by saying that he was going to eat in a few minutes, I really didn't.
"Do you feel any better?",I asked and he nodded, even though he didn't look less tired than usual. "And did you consider staying here or should I come with you to yours?" His smile dropped and I had the urge to bring it back. He walked over to the bed, grabbed his mobile and I grabbed mine.

"you don't have to come
with me"

"But I don't want you to
be lonely while your parents
fight."

"it's not everyday"

"and I don't want you
to get drunk."

"i won't"

"Dan I don't mind you
staying over."

"its fine phil, I promise
that I won't get drunk
and if my parents fight
i'll let you know"

"Okay",I said somehow sadly. I loved being around him and I certainly cared about him. But I couldn't force him to stay. I was about to say something, when the door swung open and I could see Dan flinch. "Oh good morning Dan",my mum said jokingly, but Dan couldn't even bring up a little smile. "He can't talk mum",I said, looking reassuringly over to Dan. "Oh right, well I'm Katherine, Phils mum. Would you like to eat something dear?"
Dan swallowed heavily and I could see the panic in his eyes. He looked like a deer in the headlights.
"Mum, let him wake up",I sighed, not exactly knowing what to do.
"Alright, yeah, but diners ready if you wa-."
"Thanks",I cut her off and after a quick "could you behave"-stare, she left.

I rolled with my desk chair over to Dan, who still hadn't moved, obviously drowned in thoughts. "Don't worry, we don't have to eat with her",I said and he lifted his head. I knew what he was about to say, but for gods sake I didn't want to see his lips form I'm not hungry once again. "You are hungry dan",I said before he could even open his mouth. He quickly grabbed his phone, typed something and held the display in front of my eyes.

'If I was hungry I would eat, maybe I'll eat something later at home'

"Come on please Dan, my mum even cooked for you",I hesitated to say that and I didn't want to put him under such pressure, but I needed to see him eat.

And he gave in.