unspoken - phan

heartbeat.

-Dan-
We kept playing for hours and as usual I was good at Mario Kart, while Phil sucked hard. He fell off cliffs and got stuck a lot. After a while he asked me if I was cheating but I wasn't.
We also played some other games he was better at, but I always won. No one could beat me in video games, I spent too much time with them in the past.

But around five a noise came from downstairs and I immediately paused the game. My mum came home and it wouldn't take long until my father came.

'My mums there, could you go home?'

Phil stared at the notebook in confusion. I didn't mean it badly, I just really needed to be alone.
"Why?" He asked slightly sad.
I didn't know what to say, I couldn't tell him the reason. I couldn't tell him that I needed to get drunk, so I couldn't hear my parents fighting.
"Leave now please" I mouthed and hoped that I didn't have to repeat it. I didn't want to be alone, I liked his presence. He distracted me a lot, but he couldn't help me with that.

"Okay, I don't wanna bother you"
I shook my head hesitantly. I wished that I could speak. I wished I could just say that he would never bother me. But I grabbed the notebook a second time and wrote quickly some words down.

'You don't Phil.
This was the most fun I've ever had.'

It truly was. I never really had friends, it was ages ago that someone came over. Phil was such a nice and lovely person, I just didn't want to ruin everything.

He smiled and pulled me into a hug.
"Same goes for me Dan."
I didn't want to let him go. In a few minutes I would've been alone and anxious like every day. In a few hours I would've been drunk and tired of living. I didn't want to feel like that.

I flinched when I heard the front door closing a second time. "Whats wrong?" Phil asked.
"Go now."
But he didn't move and seconds later I heard the angry yelling of my father. I stood up from the couch and grabbed Phil by his hand.
"Are those your parents?" He asked and I nodded. He just had to leave now.

The yelling got louder and louder. I wasn't drunk I could hear it. Every word.

"Go Phil" I mouthed desperately.

"I can sleepover if you want."
I shook my head. He had to leave. He had to do it right now. I had to drink. I needed it right now.

Tears started filling up my eyes and I couldn't hold them back. They were rushing down my face like a waterfall, while everything inside me started to burn.

"No Dan" He said quietly and pulled me into another hug. I started sobbing. "Don't cry."
"No, no, no" I mouthed but he couldn't see it.
Everything was so loud, I wasn't used to it. I needed alcohol, I needed numb emptiness. Right now there was just panic and fear and pain.
I broke away from him and ran towards my bed. I opened the nightstand and just grabbed a bottle. Whatever it contained, I needed it.
I didn't care that Phil saw me, I needed it now.
"What are you doing?" He asked startled and rushed over to me, to grab the bottle of  seemingly vodka.
"What the fuck?"
I covered my face with my hands and pulled my knees up to my chin. I couldn't. It was too much, it was too loud. It was overwhelming and stressing and too much. I couldn't breathe.
"Dan." His hand gently grabbed my wrist, but I couldn't stop sobbing.
"It's okay, Dan it's okay, I'm right here."
Everything burnt. Every noise and every touch.
I didn't want to be conscious. I wanted to be drunk and numb.
I felt his arms around me, I couldn't fight against it. So I slowly fell sideways until I leaned against his chest.
"It'll be okay."

His heartbeat soothed me.

His words.

And a few minutes later I could breathe again.
He let go of me and smiled worryingly.
"Don't leave" I bet him soundless.
"I won't."