unspoken - phan

lost connection.

-Dan-
I stood up from the tiled and cold bathroom floor.

I'm so pathetic

I wiped away my tears and flushed the toilet.

Why can't I just be normal

I washed my hands and my mouth and slowly walked back into Phils room.

It's so exhausting

"Are you sure that you aren't hungry anymore?",he asked, holding up my half eaten plate with some kind of casserole.

I didn't even know what it actually contained, I just ate as little as possible.
I was way too distracted by my thoughts to taste anything.
I still couldn't believe that I allowed myself to eat that after fasting for so long.

I'm so stupid

I nodded and sat down next to him on the blue bedsheet.
I already had way too much. It must've been like two hundred calories and
my mind already told me options to burn that gained fat I didn't lost by throwing up.

"No offense, but I only wanted to see you eat to make sure that you're not like, anorexic or something",he said with a joking undertone, which caused a sore pain in my chest. What?

Like, anorexic or something.

I blinked a repeated the sentence a few times in my head and then just put on a smile and furrowed my brows, as in I didn't know what he talked about.
"Because you're so skinny you know?"
I nodded. I didn't know.
"But thanks god you're okay",his voice was filled with relief. Relief that burnt me alive.

I'm not.
I'm not.
I'm not.
How on earth can't you see that.

"Yeah", I mouthed, feeling absolutely lost. Feeling like I was suddenly sitting in front of a stranger or maybe even the opposite.
Because everyone was like this.
Nobody cared and suddenly he didn't as well. He thought that I ate, he didn't know that I just threw it all up. That I kneeled on his bathroom floor just minutes ago, getting rid of that food as silent as I could.
I wanted my eyes to fill up with tears but for once they didn't.
I wanted him to see my pain but for once he didn't read my mind.

I felt like I was sitting in front of my mum, my dad, my grandparents, my teachers, my classmates.
Someone who just accepted my fake smiles and all my excuses.
Someone who wasn't interested in asking a second time.
I was sitting in front of someone who couldn't see behind my mask.

I didn't want Phil to be one of those people. I didn't want to pretend to be happy in front of him, just because I thought he didn't care about my true feelings anymore.

But now I just felt defeated. Like the whole world was playing a game called
"Let's care about Dan until he trusts you and then leave."

I just wanted to yell at Phil.
I wanted to open my mouth and tell him how not fine I was.

Why can't I just yell at him

I wanted him to read my mind, but we just lost connection.