unspoken - phan

cold hearted.

I just stared into his eyes.
Into that light blue with sprinkles of yellow.
I didn't know what to think or where to look. I felt lost but in a different way.
I was speechless without being mute.
I tried to suppress my heavy breathing considering that he was still just centimeters away from my face, but my heart pounded faster than ever.
I knew people usually said something like that was amazing.
But no word was justified to describe something that caused a feeling like that.

Phil slowly leaned back, his hands let go of my face and fell into his lap.
A soundless sorry escaped my shivering lips. Sorry for the need to kiss me.
"I kissed you, I should be sorry",a little smile appeared on the lips I just had on mine. "But I don't feel sorry for that."
The same sheepish smile grew on my face. "Come on, lets get out of here",he said and grabbed my hand to help me up but not letting go until we were sitting in front of each other on his bed.

I was still absolutely overwhelmed by the feelings that had just rushed through my body.
Am I in love with Phil? Do I even like him more than platonically? Am I gay? What did just happen? Does Phil like me? A lot?
I never questioned my sexuality or had any feelings towards a boy.
"What are you thinking about?",Phil asked. I inhaled deeply. What if he actually doesn't like me that way? Do I?
I bit my lip and grabbed the blue notebook Phil once gave me.

I did like him as a friend and I couldn't really tell how it felt to be in love.
I liked his company and his hugs. I liked him talking and smiling. He made me smile and forget my worries for some time. I wanted to be around him all the time and I loved his lips on mine.
Was that love or was I just craving for someone to love me?

'Can I kiss you?'

"Um, yeah if you wan-",I cut him off by coming a bit closer. My gaze wandered from his eyes to this shut lips and back to his eyes. Nervousness grew in my chest. My hands didn't know where to go, so I just cupped his face gently like he did and leaned in. My eyes closed and the next thing I felt was a that warmth spreading through my whole body as our lips touched. It wasn't like fireworks exploded inside my head it was tender and more like entering home after running through a snow storm.
I wanted it to feel like an eternity but it ended way too quickly.
I opened my eyes and leaned back.

I'd love to be able to say that I knew now what I felt, but I didn't. Was liking to kiss him love? I didn't even know if I wanted to love him. I clearly didn't deserve him as a friend and certainly not as a boyfriend.
I was a little overwhelmed and confused.

"And?",Phil asked quietly.

I had no answer. I had no idea. I mean yes, kissing him felt amazing and fulfilling, but I he deserved so much more. He deserved a whole world, not a broken and burned out match.

I could never say that I love him, so I should never try to.

I grabbed the notebook on the blue blanket and quickly wrote down some words.

'I don't know, I think I should leave now'

My heart sunk a little when I showed him the page. He didn't deserve any of this. This should've never happened.
What did I do?
"Oh, okay. Then see you monday right?"
I nodded and hesitated a second to hug him, but then I decided not to do it.
I wanted to say sorry a thousand times but within a heartbeat I had changed into my clothes and stood in front of his door.

Idiot.
You're such a cold hearted idiot.