unspoken - phan

me neither.

After Pj had driven me home, I sat on the couch in the living room.
I didn't go upstairs and I didn't collapse on my bed, I just sat on the couch and stared at the black tv display.

What he had said left me with less confusion but even more doubt.
Maybe I did like him more than a friend and yes I did enjoy kissing him, but I just couldn't attach myself to him that much.
I couldn't share everything with him.
I was way too fucked up and I just couldn't demand that much from him.
He deserved a happy relationship and I didn't know if I could offer that.

I leaned back and hit my head against the wall. I wasn't good enough for him and he was everything I needed.
He made me laugh, even though nobody could.
He was able to soothe the unlimited sadness I felt, even if it was just for a split second.
He made me feel more than numbing pain and anger.
When I was with him my life didn't seem as silent or dark. There was no starvation and fear.
I needed him way too much.
And I couldn't offer him anything.
I didn't make him laugh and I didn't solve his problems, I was a problem on my own.

"Hey Dan",Alex grinned widely, taking me back into reality.
I mouthed a halfhearted "hey".
"I've got a new game, can we play later?"
I nodded untruthful. I wasn't really in the mood. My mum walked in as well, her expression didn't say anything about my absence over night and I knew she didn't notice it.
"Oh good morning Dan, you overslept our breakfast",she didn't look as tired as usual, maybe I missed the only time my parents didn't fight.
"Are you feeling alright? You're really pale",she said, walking over to me, laying a hand on my forehead.
"You're not warm."
"Just tired",I mouthed.
"What?"
"Tired",I repeated.
"Sorry I-"
"He said he's tired",Alex answered and I nodded, standing up, swaying a little.
"I can never figure out what you're saying",she laughed and I didn't. Of course she couldn't lip read, we never talked.
I pointed upwards, to signal that I was about to go into my room.
"But we wanted to play",Alex frowned.
I hesitated. "Later."
"All you do is sleep",he crossed his arms.
I grabbed my notebook and quickly wrote something.

'because I'm tired'

"When are you not?",my mother asked.
I turned away and walked upstairs.
"You're so boring!",Alex yelled angrily.

I closed the door behind me and leaned against it for some seconds.
He was more than right.
I was a boring, all day sleeping brother.
I wished I could do more for and with him.
How should I be a boyfriend if I couldn't even be a brother?
I walked over to my bed and fell face first onto it. Silent sobs escaped my lips, shaking my whole body. I tightened my grip around the soft pillow, which was already soaked in salty tears.
I wanted to be with Phil, I desperately craved his presence. I needed him to put his arms around me.
I already depended on him.

But he wasn't here and I wasn't okay.
When I lifted my head from the pillow and sat up again, I felt empty. I felt cried out and lost. Every muscle in my body hurt, every bone. I probably needed to eat something, but I knew I couldn't keep it in anyways. I knew I'd regret it immediately, so what was the point in eating it in first place?

I opened the drawer of my nightstand and took out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I inhaled in the dirty smoke and blew it out through almost closed lips.
After some time I stubbed it out on my skin. A sore pain rushed through my body, but immediately died away.
I closed my eyes when the urge to drink alcohol began to evolve and opened them again when I heard a muffled sound.
I took my phone out of the pocket of my jeans and opened the new message.

"Are you okay?
Pj told me that you almost
passed out"

"yeah I'm fine"

"I'm sorry about today,
I shouldn't have done that"

I stared at the display, feeling a burning pain inside my chest. He regretted it. He regretted kissing me.

"me neither"