unspoken - phan

not alone.

I stared into the mirror.
It was just a party and I wore one of my usual outfits, but still I felt defeated.
I had the same black jeans on and just a bit oversized grey Pullover, nothing clingy, but still I felt different than usual.
My confidence was at its lowest point.
My hair was still wet, slightly curly.
I didn't know what to do with it.
I felt lost.
Like I didn't know what to do, what to expect or what to think.
I was staring into the mirror, feeling more fat than usual. I knew I didn't gain weight but I didn't loose any either.
I tugged my pullover down to cover up my thighs. I put on different sweaters. One more oversized than the others.
Until I couldn't see my hips anymore.
I felt ugly. I felt like a potato sack, but that was still better than feeling like a potato itself.

A honk brought me back to reality. I looked up to my hair. It was a curly mess.
I didn't have the time to straighten it, I didn't have any time left. But I couldn't leave my house like that. I couldn't go to my first party like that.
My heart started racing and as fast as I could, I plugged in my hair straightener.
Phil, Pj and Chris were already waiting outside. I could basically hear them sighing in annoyance. I took too long.

Another honk made me flinch. I wasn't ready, I wasn't able to go outside looking like that. I was a potato sack with messy curly hair, hanging down into my face.
The hair straightener just didn't heat up, I had no time left. I turned it off and rushed downstairs, putting on my shoes.
I couldn't leave this house. I couldn't show up on a party with this appearance.
The doorbell rang and I bit my lip. This had to be Phil. I hesitated but opened the door. "What's up? Everything alright?",he asked and I shook my head in desperation. He turned towards the car, yelled "Wait a second" and stepped inside. "Okay whats the problem?"
I just pointed at my hair and the rest of my body.
"You look great! Don't worry",he said. But I knew he was just pitiful. Phil looked amazing. He had pushed his hair a little bit upwards and wore a black shirt.
I couldn't believe how ugly I must've looked.
"Ok c'mon, you probably have hair wax or something right?"
I nodded and we both rushed upstairs into my bathroom.
Phil grabbed the container and put a tiny amount of the wax onto his fingers. He ran through my hair and I wasn't really sure if he knew what he did, but in the end it looked a thousand times better than before.
"Ok, I tried, you look great",he smiled and I just quickly hugged him. He basically saved me from a full blown panic attack.

We closed the door behind us and ran across the street to the blueish car. "Finally, what took you so long?",Pj asked. "I had to play hairstylist",Phil answered. "Your hair looks good Dan, you should definitely let Phil style it more often",Chris said. "And you could do Pjs right afterwards." "Shut up you piece of shit."
Phil laughed and I began to smile.
This night wouldn't be the same for me as it would be for everyone else. I wouldn't burst into laughters, dance or make new friends.

But it would be better than every other night, because I wasn't alone.