unspoken - phan

reminded and forgotten.

"Good morning",Phil growled, as he sat up.
"Morning",I mouthed, as I put down my mobile and multiple tumblr posts.
"What a night. We didn't dance or party, we just drank. A lot."
"You did",I answered soundlessly.
"And Chris! Did he actually throw up? Everything's kinda",he made a weird hand movement "blurry."
I nodded.
"Ow poor Pj, well maybe Chris is at least less worn out than me. And what about you? Do you even have a headache?",he asked.
I shook my head, it wasn't that much.
"Lucky you! My head is exploding, I'm just happy that I didn't throw up. I didn't right?"
A wide smile appeared on my lips as I shook my head. "Happy as well",I mouthed.
I grabbed my phone and texted Phil if he'd like me to get an aspirin for his headache.
"That would be so nice",he said and covered his face with the blue blanket.
"There are some in the cupboard in the bathroom."

I stood up, fought the usual upcoming dizziness and the dancing black spots in my vision and headed to the bathroom.
I didn't dare to look into the mirror. I was feeling okay this morning and okay was the best I could get. I didn't want to ruin it, I was emo and whiny all the time and Phil was probably sick of it. I wanted to laugh with him and feel a little normal. So I searched for the pills in the cupboard underneath the sink, but after looking several times, I figured that the mirror was a cupboard itself. I quickly opened it up and grabbed the painkillers. For a solid second I was sure that I could just turn around, leave the bathroom and have a okay day with a friend, but I was wrong. As usual.

The mirror became a mirror again and I shattered like glass.

My hair looks gross.
I look gross.
I looked like that all morning.
Phil saw me like that.

My fingers ran through my hair and again loose strands fell into the sink.
I couldn't go back to Phil like that.
I was so ugly.
I felt so ugly and messed up.
I immediately pulled up my sleeve and aggressively wrapped my fingers around my upper arm. Again and again, but fat kept getting in between.
I felt defeated.
I couldn't be happy, I wasn't allowed to be happy.

I lifted up my sweater, clutching my fingers around my ribcage, trying to rip out the fat in between every single rib and holding myself together at the same time.

Too much.
Too overwhelmed by nothing.
I was pathetic.

I felt like screaming and I didn't know why.
I woke up and I was feeling okay.
This wasn't okay.
I wasn't okay.
Why couldn't I be okay?
I sat down on the tiled floor, sobbing silently and pulling my knees towards my chest.

I hate myself.

"I guess you didn't fi-",the door flung open and my heart skipped a beat.
I looked up to see Phil standing in the doorframe.
I ruined it. I ruined everything being okay.
With me nothing could ever be okay.
I wished I didn't drag Phil with me.

"What happened?",he asked, but I couldn't answer. I wanted to sit on his bed and laugh with him. I was tired of crying.
"Dan what happened?"
"Nothing"I mouthed. I wanted to be fine.
I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be a ray of sunshine just like Phil, but I was a shattered reflection of myself.

"You are not and I won't give in this time",he sat down in front of me, trying to look into my eyes but I avoided it at all costs. I was embarrassed and defeated.
"Can I try something?"
His hand slowly moved towards mine.
He pushed up my sleeve a little bit and gently wrapped his fingers around my wirst.
"Can you see the gap between my fingers and your skin?"
He let go and now did the same with his wrist.
"There is no gap. Do you think I am fat and that I should loose weight?"
I shook my head.
"Then why should you?"
"I don't know."
Tears were dwelling in my eyes, dropping onto my cheeks. Phil didn't say anything for several seconds and I didn't either.
There were no words left in our head.

And for one time I was glad that I didn't speak, because sometimes unspoken words are the loudest.

He tenderly cupped my face in his hands and leaned in until his lips touched mine so lightly that I could hardly feel them.
A warmth grew in my chest and rushed through my body. A warmth I hadn't felt in years. Nothing mattered but his lips.

And I wished that he would've kissed me until I forgot every tear and every terrifying thought.