Chapter 6
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Anthony
I can’t feel anything. I can’t hear anything. I can’t see anything. I am nothing. As soon as I heard my mom say that, all I felt was nothing. I was invisible. My dad is dead. Why did this have to happen?
Everything was going so great. I was finally happy and now this had to happen. Stuff like this always has to happen to me.
I left my mom’s house at 6 pm; we spent most of the day grieving. I feel a bit happier now. I’m still in shock, that and a whole lot of other feelings. The truth is I don’t know how I feel. Although I do feel better than I did when she told me that my dad died. Me and my mom talked about the few memories we had with him as a family. Obviously we had more memories with him when we were alone with him, not when we were a family because of the divorce.
My brothers took it really badly, worse than my mother did. Apparently she always knew he would die young. We went through the funeral arrangements and got it all sorted out. It had to be done after all. It was quite sad having to pick out a song and now I have to write a speech. This is going to be so emotional. My mom insists I have to because I’m the eldest. I will probably cry which is going to be extremely embarrassing but I don’t think people will care. Most people haven’t seen me cry.
My mom wanted me to stay the night in my old room so we both had company. “To get through this together”
I told her I needed to get back to Ian, he would be wondering where I am. She seemed disappointed but she is just worried about me. I suppose it would have helped her for me to stay but I really just wanted to leave. Not away from her, from the house. All the memories, it just reminded me of him.
I don’t know what to do. I feel lost in the world right now. It’s hard news to take. I took it and it killed me. I’m gonna miss him so much.
I never told my mother about me and Ian either. I couldn’t, not after that news.
My father is never going to have the chance to know about me and Ian ever…
I think he would have taken it quite well.
His wife is severely depressed at the moment my mom said. The funeral is tomorrow. He had a heart attack. Nobody told me about it at the time it happened and that pissed me off.
He made it on time to the hospital in an ambulance but they couldn’t do anything. His heart was too weak, it was failing. That was 3 days ago! Do you think anybody would tell me?
Yes I know my mom was probably scared and upset but still. I am his son. I was his son.
I got into my car, I didn’t even know if I was capable to drive. I’m still a nervous wreck. Ian will understand when I explain everything. He will know I can’t tell her until after the funeral or days after at least.
Before I even made my way onto the highway, I indicated left and sat in my car. I cried for about a half an hour.
It just hard to get used to not having a dad. One minute somebody is there you don’t even think that they won’t be there. You just expect them to be there and then the next minute they’re gone. Words can’t describe how much I will miss him; words can’t describe how much I do miss him right this second.
We were so close. Last time I seen him was last Christmas. That was a long time ago.
If I could just have one more chance to talk to him, to say a real goodbye. I would just love for him to know how much he meant to me and that I’m so so so grateful. This hurts.
I wipe my tears away and get back on the road. Before I do, I remember to check my phone. I have 15 messages!
They were all from Ian.
Most of them saying: Are you okay? Where are you?
One read: You’ve been gone a long time. What’s keeping you? Is she taking the news well?
Others said: Hello?
Or are you alive??? Anthony Please answer.
I read the first one last.
It read: Anthony I just told my parents. They are fine with it and they’re so happy for us!! Gahhh I’m so happy rn! Have you told her yet? Can’t wait for you to come back home :D
If only he knew. I got back to the Smosh house dreaded telling Ian the news.
I opened the door and saw Ian on the couch. He jumped up as soon as he seen me.
“Anthony!! Where the hell have you been?! I’ve been worried half to death here. Thank god you’re okay and that you’re here” he ran over and wrapped his arms around me, lovingly.
One hug was enough for me to crack. I began crying.
“Why…is my shoulder suddenly all wet?”
He half let go to look at me.
“Oh sweetie are you okay? What’s wrong? Tell me”
“My dad is dead” I told.
“What….how…when…what?” Ian asked.
“Anthony I am so so sorry. Oh my god”
I let it completely out, all the emotion onto Ian. We lay on the couch. He rubbed my back and continuously said “It’s okay I’m here” as I cried on his shoulder for hours.
He asked questions every now and then. Eventually he got most of the story out of me, the heart attack, me not telling my mom about us, her telling me, me breaking down in the car, the funeral tomorrow and how the family is coping.
Ian was upset too, his eyes kept getting watery but he sucked it up.
He told me all about the Skype session with his parents. I was happy for us yet so sad for my loss. It was hard to feel happy after what had happened but boy am I glad that they accepted us.
“I’m so sorry. I’ll be with you every step of the way, no matter what. I love you. You’re my rock” he said.
“Thank- thank you babe I love you too” I stammered and reached up to kiss him.
It was way past midnight and I couldn’t stop yawning. Ian was tired too. He heard me yawn and suggested we go to bed.
We got ready for bed and we slept in my room.
I lay cuddled close to Ian and planned on crying myself to sleep. It was going to take me forever to sleep but luckily with Ian by my side I fell asleep straight away.
