Reaching Insanity (Matt Smith fanfic)

Part 10

Fear never lasts.

Think about it, as a child you fear of something under your bed... In your closet. That all seems silly now doesn't it? Fear of the roller coaster or the slide, but after you try it you don't even remember what it was like to be afraid, right? Fear of monsters, fear of heights, fear of spiders...

Fear of a man.

But oh no, fear never lasts. And in this case it's not quite that the fear just suddenly went a away. Transformed, if you please. It didn't take but a few thoughtless moments until the fear whipped around into flaming white anger. Because after every storm, there's a calm, a blank thoughtlessness. And before every storm is the calm. But maybe... Just maybe, that moment after the fear and the storm, the moment before the fear and storm. That calm, that quiet... Do you ever wonder...is it a cycle? Those two?

Maybe it's the same calm?

And then again...

Fear never lasts.

~~~

I shoot up off the ground. Whipping towards him, the anger boiling up through my skin. Who does he think he is to do THAT?

"What in the hell is wrong with you?!" I spit at him, a low grumble within me, boiling into a yell.

"What the hell is wrong with me?! What the hell is wrong with YOU?!" He spins around and jabs a finger out to point at me. I'm so infuriated I feel sick. "I let you into my house and you go on and disrespect it and me and... Do... THAT on my front door?! With the intern? The fucking intern!"

"Why in the hell does in matter who I go out with?! Who cares that he's the 'fucking intern' I actually like him! He's a good guy! And we didn't do a single thing on your door, I kissed him! OOOH! And I'm the one that's immature?!" I threw my hands up and began to shout at him.

"You practically conceived that bastard right on my damn doormat!" He shouted back.

"Shut your fucking mouth about him! You knew I was going out tonight! What'd you expect, a damned walk in the park? I am an adult! Not some fucking child, if I wanna kiss my date then, guess what? I fucking will! What does it matter to you?" My throat began to scratch and my voice cracked every so often, just encouraging me to shout louder at the bastard.

"I was supposed to fucking look after you!" He shouted back.

"No! You were supposed to be a fucking old guy with a damned mansion! Someone I wouldn't have to deal with everyday! Or fucking drive home because he started a damned rampage at a dinner party and passed out in the car!" I yell, hot tears begin to stream down my cheeks, I cuss myself for it. "So it looks like neither of us get what we wanted!"

"What the hell does that even mean?!" He thrashes his amd to the side, his cheeks reddening with heat, with anger.

"You wanted some little niece to stay in your house for a night and leave you alone to be fucking alone like you always have been! And don't even try to use that 'I'm supposed to look after you' shit, 'cause guess what Matt?! You can't even look after your fucking self!" I spit at him, my lungs cramping for air at this point.

"You shut your fucking mouth!" He screams so loud it send a shock up my spine, I want to break down to sob, but I stand still. Urging myself to fight back.

"Don't even act like I did a single wrong thing here." I bark at him. "I am not a child. I can handle myself well, you think-" I take a gasp of air, the adrenaline pounding in my chest, my lungs. "You think I'm so juvenile, you do not own me. I am not a child!" I shout.

"You are nineteen!" He yells back, sweat droplets fling off his face as the words lash out.

We stand apart, facing each other as if in a draw. My own fury pins my feet to the ground like lead. I throw at each word wanting to hurt him, humiliate him the way he just did to me.

"Oh and nineteen is so young?! I moved a crossed the country BY MY SELF," I want to slap him, strike him, something. He just stands there glaring at me. His eyes slits, it hurts... The longer he stands there the more and it hurts and the more it makes me want to hurt him. I've never wanted to hurt anyone, but here's this man. This retched insanity. "I could smoke, live on my own, go to clubs, fuck! I could be a damned stripper! But guess what?! I do none of that! And I feel that makes me more of an adult than anyone who does! And look at you, four days ago you tried to pressure me into drinking, does that make you a man? Does stupid mistakes, and getting drunk, and outburst and a 'nineteen year old child' driving you home? Does that make you a man? Do you feel proud of yourself?" I began to pace, my mind racing. I whip around to face him again. We stand about ten feet apart, anger filling the open space. "I'm immature?! I'm only "19", you think your all high and mighty, how the hell old are you anyways?!" I air quote at 19, mocking him, he takes three strides closer, anger glowing off of him.

"Nearly twice your fucking age!" He shouts at me, his usual sweet accent getting tainted with an anger so toxic it burns me.

"So?!" I scream at him. Loud and short. His face halts... Seems to fall and soften. He looks concerned, almost... Hopeful?

"What'd you say...?" He speaks so quietly I can hardly hear it over the thudding of my heart in my ears.

"So..." I meant to be louder but it comes out so faintly... My voice cracking on the two letters.

"What do you mean... So?" He says, his voice in question. But his face is blank, soft but blank. As if he had never met me before, as if something new is being shown to him.

"I..." I stutter.

"I don't know..."

~~~

But I did know. We both did. Maybe it didn't set it right then, but this is where it started. As you get older you start to understand things, and I guess... This was just one of those things.

The look.

That was it, the look he gave me that night; Blank. Something different. We both knew it, and that night he saw something new, clear as day.

I did know.

And so did he.