𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐋 𝐆𝐑𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒 [ 𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬 ] ✘

The Boy in the Sheriff's Hat

A week. One whole week since Carl had left this earth, leaving me behind... I felt desolate, numb...like all of the happiness had been drained out of my life...and it had been... I sighed, clenching a fistful of cool dirt from beside me as I lied next to his freshly-dug grave. Most days had been like this since...since he passed. I just lied here in the grass, sometimes crying, sometimes talking to him as if he was still here...

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine... You make me happy when skies are gray..." I sang out softly, tears filling my eyes before they fluttered shut, "You'll never know dear, how much I love you... Someone took my sunshine away..."

A voice from above me coughed, making my eyes fly open to be met with a pair of dark brown ones filled with concern. I sighed, sitting up off the ground.

"You can't keep doing this..." Michonne said quietly as she took a step forward, "To love someone is fine but...but when you can't let go-"

"Loving him forever can't be wrong!" I snapped at her, sick of the intervening her and Rick had been trying to do.

They wanted me back on the right path, not wallowing in depression as I'd succumbed to. But I never wanted to let go of him, of what we had. Call it stuck in the past, out of my mind, or whatever you want to but I would always be in love with him. My gaze fell to his grave once more and I sucked in a breath before replying to Michonne.

"Even though he's not here, I won't move on..."

And with that, I stalked off, leaving a sad and confused Michonne behind. As I walked, I played with the necklace at the base of my neck - the one he'd made for me out of beads he'd found in an abandoned house. We were eleven when he'd made it for me - we'd been at the farm back then and Beth had helped him make it. I smiled sadly, remembering how she'd thought it was cute he had a crush on me and vice versa. A sigh escaped my mouth then after I'd made it back to the house I now lived in at the Hilltop and my eyes locked onto Carl's sheriff's hat lying on my bed. A sob threatened to bubble up inside me but I bit it back, a few lone tears managing to roll down my face anyhow, though.

There was no remedy for these memories though, I thought to myself as I lied down in bed, hugging the worn brown hat to my chest. Finally, the sob broke free and I was left a crying mess. It wouldn't leave my head. After a few moments, my eyes popped open then after I thought I'd heard someone call my name. For a second...for a second, I thought I'd seen him - leaning there in my doorway like he used to do, smiling. But no. I blinked and he was gone. Just like that.

His soul was haunting me, trying to tell me everything was fine. But...but I wished I was dead. Every single time I closed my eyes, it was like a dark paradise. I could see him and imagine we were back to the way things used to be - happy. No one in this life compared to him. No one.

And...and I was terrified that when it was my turn...he wouldn't be waiting on the other side for me. Everyone was rushing me to move on from him, kept convincing me it would be alright once I'd had time to heal. But they didn't get it...they just didn't get it. There was no moving on from him! I would never be able to get over his death! Not when I could still feel him, still hear him, still see him in my dreams.

A raw sob ripped free from my throat as I thought of his blue eye, his laugh, and smile...all things I would never see again in this lifetime. I would never be happy again - not without him here. Sniffing loudly, I slowly got up from the bed, still holding onto the sheriff's hat in my hands. With slow movements, I let my feet lead me to the bathroom. I shouldn't...I knew it. I knew it.

But...as I stared at my bloodshot eyes and red nose in the mirror...I knew I couldn't do this any longer. Sobbing softly, I grabbed the razor from the bathroom cabinet overhead and sighed, glancing down at the sharp edges. But my eyes landed on the sheriff's hat then and as I thought about Carl...I knew I had to be with him again. Shaking my head once at what I was about to do, I slit the razor across my skin. Hissing in agonizing pain as the blood seeped out of the wound, my back slid down the bathroom wall. The crimson liquid oozed out quickly and soon, I felt light-headed.

Carl's hat rested on my lap and I hugged it close to my chest, knowing we would be together soon. And as the light finally began to fade from my eyes, I thought I heard a voice speak out to me...one so familiar, it made my heart ache. Everything went dark then and I knew my life was finally over...

My eyes flew open then and I gasped as I bolted upright in the grass. Grass? I frowned in confusion as I glanced down around me, green blades brushing against my fingertips. What in the world was going on? Where was I? I bit my lip as I stood up on wobbly legs.

I was by a road - empty, of course, with abandoned vehicles littering the cracked pavement. Slowly, I began to walk down the road, my feet knowing the way when I did not. It was a short walk and before I knew it, a house came into view...one I hadn't seen since I was younger - faded, peeling off-white paint on a tall, two-story house. But it wasn't the house that caught my eye...it was the boy sitting on the top of the roof...eating out of a 112-ounce can of chocolate pudding. My hand flew to my mouth, stifling a sob as I ambled my way to the house. I stepped out into view then and just as the spoon had come up to his mouth, his ocean-blue eyes met mine...

"CARL!" I sobbed out, my eyes filling with happy tears.

Then slowly...ever so slowly...a grin split his face and he waved at me to come up. Without even having to know the way, I ran into and throughout the house before making my way up the stairs into the room that looked out onto the roof. Climbing through the window gingerly, I smiled when I spotted him. Slowly, I sat down beside him, letting my legs dangle off the side just as his were. He seemed...surreal somehow. There was a glow around him like that of an angel's. In fact...this whole place seemed lighter somehow...

Carl's scuffed boot hit mine playfully then and I laughed, feeling the tears dry up on my cheeks.

"I missed you, Carl Poppa," I admitted and he smiled back at me.

"I missed you, too," he said softly, grabbing my hand briefly before returning it to holding onto his pudding.

We sat in comfortable silence then before he finally spoke up.

"You know...I can barely remember pre-apocalypse," he said somberly before a slow, mischievous smile lit up his face, "I guess nothing rhymes with that, except maybe "taco lips","

I shared a glance with him before the both of us burst out laughing.

"La Jiggy Jar Jar Doo!" he sang out loudly and I giggled before joining in.

"Dur Dur Dur Dee Dur!" I sang along before dissolving in a fit of laughter.

The lyrics of that song was still stuck in both of our heads...maybe it always would be. And in that moment, my gaze met that blue-eyed one that had become so familiar to me over these past years and suddenly, I felt at home once more. He was here...and so was I. We were together again.

If only in our dreams...