BY DEMARCO'S STANDARDS (Part 5)

Knots Being Tied

What the fuck have I done? That's the question I beat myself up with several time's a day. I should've just stepped back for a bit when I returned and gathered my thoughts, decided what I wanted. Stayed clear of both women until I was certain. The only thing I'm certain of at this very moment is that I don't want Ivy.

Little too late for me to finally figure it out but it's the truth. Everything I felt for Ivy was lust and gratitude for saving me. Sure, I found her pretty, exciting and smart but she wasn't my sweet cupcake. No one would ever be. Two months ago I watched my heart board a plane for Alabama and I haven't been the same since. I tried to phone her but she has a new number. Sure, I could have it in no time but it's obvious Sam doesn't want to be found. I'll give her the peace she wants, I owe her that.

As for Ivy, I still see her but mostly out of guilt. Guilt for leading her on, guilt for sleeping with her and I continue to sleep with her and guilt because I'll never be able to give to her what I gave to Sam...love. I'm not even faithful to Ivy. I go out drinking at night and find myself in a different woman's bed all the time. If Ivy knows she doesn't say anything. That's just how good she is.

I know Ivy loves me, she doesn't hide the fact that she does and she knows I can't return the feeling. Yet she holds on to hope that one day I will. She goes above and beyond trying to win me over but it's just not there. Every time I lay with her it just doesn't feel right. Not even with the other women I bed. I just can't reach the satisfaction that Sam gave me. I think back to the first time Sam slept with me. Boy did she hold out but it was so worth it. I'd be lying if I told you I haven't visited the location where she gave me the greatest gift she could. I sit there and relive it all. It kills me thinking that she may have found someone else, giving what's mine to another. Many time's I've thought about kidnapping her and forcing her to remain by my side but I know my parent's wouldn't allow that. That is the only mafia rule they don't agree with or adhere by in our family.

Cole has been my lifesaver and keeps my mind off thing's as best as he can. If Miri or mom have spoken to Sam they won't say and I understand. It's best I let her be. I've done enough damage.

Sitting at my desk deep in thought I never noticed Cole step in until he said. "I don't know what to do man?"

Looking at him confused I asked. "What's up?"

He looked at me and I saw that he was pail. "I can't take it any more man. I hate how the meds make me feel but if I'm off of them I'm ballistic. Miri stopped forcing me to take them and I was happy. Little did I know she was sneaking them in my food. When I caught on and confronted her she starts crying telling me she had too. I just ran out down here to keep from murdering your sister".

I snickered a bit because I knew Cole wouldn't harm her but sometimes I did wonder, especially when he's off his meds. My door opened again and in stepped Miri in tears. "Cole you've got to listen".

"I ain't gotta do shit baby girl". He grunted.

Miri looked at me with pleading eye's. "Talk to him Dem".

"The fuck I look like, Dr. Phill? I'm not in this". I said.

"God Dem your just as big of an ass as crazy Cole.". Miri whined.

"Miri go home now". Cole snarled.

"No. Not until you come back up with me". She screeched.

"Baby girl, if I'm alone with you I may just set you on fire. Fucking lacing my food with meds? Who fucking does that shit?" Cole grumbled.

"Someone who needs to talk to you and not have you flip out, that's who". Miri screamed.

"What the fuck could be so important that you'd drug my ass". Cole growled.

Miri's dam broke then and she sobbed out. "Because I'm pregnant Cole. I need you level headed".

The silence was deafening. Suddenly Cole swung from his chair and raced to Miri. Gripping her by her upper arm's he yelled. "The fuck you mean your pregnant? How could you let this happen?"

Miri sobbed and mumbled. "It just did Olive".

"Fuck this shit". Cole snarled gripping her tighter. I came around my desk and forced him off my sister. "Enough Cole." Turning to Miri I put my arm around her. "Go on home. I'll talk to him". Miri nodded and rushed off.

Cole was cramming peanuts in his mouth when I walked in. "The fuck man?" I hissed.

"You don't understand Dem." He snapped.

"I understand that your wife who just happens to be my sister just told you that she's pregnant and you treated her like shit". I snarled.

Cole fell back into the chair and snapped back. "Because you don't know what it's like to be me. Everyday I worry if my craziness will show up in my son. If he will have to live like this. Now I have to worry about another child having it?"

I finally understood where Cole was coming from. His childhood wasn't easy but he did have us. "Dem man, if I was to pass this along to one of my kid's I'd never forgive myself".

"I understand bro". I said. "But you need to tell this to Miri. And you know even if my nephew or niece has this I'd never let anyone harm them. None of us would. We have your back Cole. Your not alone. We've always been there for you but you've got to take your meds now because your wife and kid's need you".

"Fuck, I know". He said standing up. He grabbed the door handle and turned and smiled. "I'm going to be a daddy again... well if your sister don't kill me when I go home. You got some catching up to do man". He laughed.

I shook my head slowly. "I don't think kid's are in the cards for me".

Cole nodded understanding what I meant and left. Yes at one point wanted kid's but with Sam. At one point I thought I was destined to have kid's with Ivy but that was just a wild fantasy that destroyed my world. No, there is only one person I will allow to carry my child but she's gone. No, no kids for me. Miri has the heirs and that's good enough.

My door opened again busting my thoughts up and in came Ivy in tears. She thrust a letter at me and sobbed. "I have to go back to Russia. Immigration has caught up to me and are sending me back. I can't go back Dem". Ivy wailed.

Things just keep getting worse. No I couldn't have Ivy go back. Not because I loved her but because the life that awaited her back there. She did save me so now I must save her. I owed her that much. Ivy is strong and knows this business. I had no doubt that she would make a good wife. "We can get married". I blurted out.

Ivy's face lit up. "You would really do that for me Dem?" She asked stunned.

I had to make it clear to her, it was only fair. Ivy had to know what she would be getting by marrying me. "I will Ivy. You saved me and I can save you. However my feelings haven't changed and may never change. This is simply a marriage of convinince. I don't want any children. I will make sure your taken care of and you have everything you need but that is all".

It took her a moment to let that sink in. Finally she nodded her head yes. "I can live with that Dem. I promise I will serve you well and make you proud of me as your queen".

Nodding, I said. "I'll have my men work the details out for a quick, quiet wedding involving only the family".

Ivy nodded and kissed my cheek. "Thank you".