The Dark and the Light (Book Three: Supernatural fanfic)

The Memory Remains

The rewiring from the Angels and the spell from the British Men of Letters to manipulate me to do what they wanted was taking its toll on me, but I kept fighting no matter how painful or wrenching they made it. It was excruciating, but I would fight for as long as I could, because doing something that would hurt Sam, Dean, Cas, Ariel or Faith would kill me. And I would rather my third death than to hurt anyone in my family.

But the more pressure of brainwashing or spellwork they put on me, the harder it was to fight. Trying to push them out of my mind while they were running electricity and bolts into my head, while using a spell to fry what they wanted me to do or know into my mind... Excruciating didn't even come close to describing that.

For months, I had been possessed by the Devil and tortured by the Darkness while pregnant with Ariel and Faith, so it wouldn't be that easy to break me.

I stopped thinking about the pain when I seemed to be in the bunker, looking around in confusion, standing.

Sam walked in toward me with a couple of beers, smiling. "Hey. Ava, you okay?"

I looked at him suspiciously, backing away. "This isn't real. You're not Sam."

"Is that so?" Sam asked in amusement. "Well, if I'm not Sam, then what am I?"

"A way for them to get to me," I answered. "To try to break me. It's not gonna work."

Sam walked closer. "You're strong. Very strong. And you've spent so long fighting against them. And the real Sam would be proud of you for fighting for so long, to protect him, Dean, Cas, Ariel and Faith. But even you know that you can't fight forever."

"Stop talking," I told him, turning away, sighing shakily.

"You've tried praying to Ariel and Faith, but they can't hear you through the warding in the compound," Sam told me. "You can't break free because of warded chains. You can't come home until you give in."

"I'm not giving in," I told him angrily.

Sam stepped around me to turn to face me. "It's not giving in when they break you down little by little every day for months, is it? You know that Ariel and Faith can't find you because of the warding, too. You know what they want you to do, Ava. Killing every hunter in America. Convincing Ariel and Faith to listen to you, to them. And you know they will listen to you. They'll come with you, to try to save you, but they'll know that they can't heal you without permanently damaging your mind. Because of the spell that is rewiring your brain, burning your subconscious, making you more angry and more violent than you have ever been, and that is saying something. They could heal you bit by bit so that they're not risking damaging you forever. But if you go too long without being healed even a little bit, you'll start to go mad again."

I glared, turning away, overwhelmed, breathing shakily, trying to stay calm. "I'm not going anything. I'm not..."

"Letting them use you, torment you, break you?" Sam finished. "You've been putting up a great fight lately. You know that you can keep it up for as long as you can. But you know you can't do that forever."

Even though I knew that this wasn't the real Sam, I didn't want to hurt him, but the anger that I felt from the spell and brainwashing was overwhelming to the point that I had trouble controlling the temper. "Shut up."

"You'll still have all of your memories of your family," Sam told me. "Of your daughters, of your husband. And you'll remember everything when you look Sam in the eye and you take his life, so he won't be in the way of Ariel and Faith. So that he can't save any of you."

I turned to face him, pushing him away from me, but I didn't want to do more than that even though I knew this wasn't real. "It's not going to happen."

"You can't even convince yourself anymore, can you?" Sam asked. "Come on, Ava. Just give in. Let go. It'll be a lot easier that way."

"Yeah, for them," I told him. "The real Sam knows that I would sooner give them all hell and kill them all before I ever did anything they wanted."

"By choice," Sam agreed. "But it's not so easy when they're taking your choice away from you, is it? The anger and rage you feel right now? It's just going to keep getting worse and worse until you lose it completely. And then you'll be enslaved by the spell." I shook my head, breathing heavily, looking away. "You know you have to kill Sam and Dean to keep them from coming for you, Ariel and Faith. Cas, too. What are you going to do about that, Ava?"

I had trouble controlling myself, picking up the Angel Blade from the table, turning it toward Sam. "You're not the real Sam, so don't talk like you are him. You want the anger and rage to consume me? Well, that part is working, I'll grant you that."

"But you won't admit that the spell and brainwashing is breaking you down, putting you in this special little place in your mind where you can't get out, while the Ava that we want is in control, doing what we want, and it will be everything that we want," Sam told me. "You might be aware of what's happening out there, but you can't do anything to stop it. You will do this. It's only a matter of time. We want you to use Ariel and Faith, yes. But what about Lucifer's children? If they're not good, if we can't use them, you'll have to kill them."

I shook my head. "No. I promised that I wouldn't do that."

"And what good does that promise make if you're the reason that they turn evil, because you couldn't kill them?" Sam asked. "What if Ariel and Faith turn out that way, too, because of you? Could you handle that, Ava? Could you handle everything falling apart because of you?"

Them using the image of Sam taunting me and trying to break me down drove me so angry with rage that I couldn't control it when I stabbed him, making the image of Sam fade and disappear, breathing heavily in worry and horror, though still consumed with anger, dropping the blade to the floor, backing away, turning around, pacing around the room, trying everything to calm down. Still fighting with everything I had, but it was getting harder and harder to fight, becoming overcome with anger that I couldn't control. Things in my head that I wasn't thinking. Everything changing while I tried my best to remain the way I was...

I knew I was losing the fight, but I knew that I couldn't give up.

They were right about one thing, though.

I couldn't keep fighting forever though I would go down fighting to the end.