The Past Lies Ahead (A Throne Of Glass Fanfic)

Chapter 63

Aelin walked towards one of the several grassy knolls, seeking some solitude from the many people around her. Or more specifically, from Rowan. He hadn't said anything about her note, nothing at all. It bothered her to no end, not knowing what he was thinking. Well, she knew some of what he was thinking, the way he was looking at Old Aelin was not exactly discreet.

She reached the top of the knoll, then made it down on the other side, where she plumped down in the tall grass. She sighed heavily through her nose. She probably shouldn't be so hard on him about it, after all his perfect Aelin was going to die making the lock, and then he would be stuck with her. She grabbed a fistful of grass, and tore it free from the earth. All this time she had felt whole, nothing had scared her knowing she had him by her side. But now... he had only been with her because he had thought she was the woman he had married. 

Aelin clenched her teeth hard, fighting the urge to scream. She loved him, but it was not hard to see that she would never be enough for him. Even before Old Aelin had appeared, she had felt a bit small and always tried to live up to the woman in her dreams, the woman he had known. She looked at the torn grass in her hands. Was this how Sam had felt like? When he watched her look longingly at someone else? She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, but it persisted. 

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Sam rode at the head of the Bane between Ren and Aedion. He could finally hear the familiar noises of a large encampment, and knew that, after days of travel, they finally had reached their destination. He wondered if the Aelins had managed to get their hands on the keys, and he hoped they had gotten out unharmed. 

He rode up over the rolling, grassy hill, and there he could spy the Fae encampment. During the trek here he had tried to find a way to address Rowan without snarling, but he was still angry for the way he had treated Aelin that day of the meeting. He would need to have a word with him, Sam had let him have Aelin because of what Aedion had explained about the mating bond, but clearly it wasn't that much of an everlasting love after all. Sam sighed, he knew there was more to it than that, but still... he felt bad for Aelin, it had to be hard on her knowing that the real woman he had wanted wasn't her after all.

Once he reached the camp, he handed the reigns to one of the soldiers and went to look for his friend. After walk through the camp for what felt like forever, he finally spotted a golden head walking past a group of soldiers. It was the wrong one, but maybe she knew where Aelin were.

«Aelin!» he called out, and she stopped walking and turned towards him. A small smile grew on her face as he approached. 

«It's good to see you, Sam.» she said, and reached out to hug him. He gave her a quick hug.

«Likewise, I trust all went well?» he asked.

«It did, we now have all the keys, and all we need now is the right opportunity end this war once and for all.» she said,«I was on my way to Dorian and Manon to revise the procedure, in case there's something I've forgotten over the years. Better to be safe now than sorry later, right?» 

«There's a truth to that.» he said, and smiled.«Have you seen Aelin, I was actually looking for her.» he asked.

«Ah, yes, she went for a walk some time ago.» She said, a bit sadly.«The tension between her and Rowan because of me is tearing at her, but maybe you'll be able to help her out. She went that way.» she said and gestured toward a grassy knoll far away from the camp.«It was never my intention to come between them, it's still not. I just want to get this business with the lock over with, but Rowan... well, he can be a stubborn ass sometimes.» 

«Thank you, I'll do my best.» he said, then went in the direction she had pointed him in.  

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She lied back, and stared up at the passing clouds. Giant white pillows just floating high above, with no care for the eternal conflicts raging in the world below them. Soft footsteps approached from atop the knoll, but she didn't bother to turn to see who it was. Maybe if she ignored whoever it was then they would eventually walk away, she just wanted to be alone with her thoughts right now.

The footsteps halted, and lovely face with brown eyes bent over her, looking down at her.«Is there room for me as well?» Sam said with a grin on his face. He was always looked like that, open and with an honest look in his eyes, often accompanied with mischief and love. She found a smile spreading on her face, and her wish for solitude disappeared like mists on a sunny day.

«You might be able to find some space on this vast, empty plain of grass.» she said, grinning up t him. «When did you arrive?» 

He stepped to the side of her, then lied down on his side resting his head on a hand and looked down at her.«Just now, went to find you as soon as I hopped of the horse.» 

«How did you even find me out here, I told no one where I went.» she arched an eyebrow at him.

«You can't hide from me, you know, I'll always find you.» he said, and winked.«Besides, I wanted to see if you were alright, considering you just walked into Morath and out again.» 

She laughed a little, they hadn't technically walked out. «I'm fine, Sam.» she looked back up at the clouds, then bit the inside of her lip.

«And why does that sound like a lie?» 

She just kept looking at the clouds, focusing on breathing. Was this really something she should talk to a former lover about? Would she be giving him false hope if she opened up to him about her insecurities about her current relationship? She dared a glance at him, noting the kindness emanating from his eyes, then looked up at the sky again.«Maybe because it is.» she said quietly.«I don't know how you did it, or even how you can still look at me like that after I... after I  left you.» she blinked away the moisture in her eyes.«Were you really fine with it? You said that it wouldn't hurt you, but was that really true?»

Her heart pounded wildly against her ribs, and she clenched her teeth together so hard it ached. She still didn't dare look at him, afraid of what she might see if she did. Maybe she deserved this, deserved to be left the same way she had left Sam. He cupped her cheek with his hand, and turned her to face him.

«I will always love you, Aelin. No matter who you choose to spend your life with, as long as you're happy. I meant what I said back then that no matter your choice I would not be hurt, but I also meant it that I would kick his ass if he ever hurt you.» he said, and she looked into those brown eyes, seeing the sincerity in them.«You follow your heart, Aelin.»

«My heart said yes to both of you, yet still I chose him. I should have stayed with you...» once again she had to blink away the moisture in her eyes. If she had never left him, then she would avoided all these problems... She sighed through her nose.

«This situation is only temporary, Aelin, and once the lock has been made he will realize that too. Look at it this way; He went back in time to save his wife, then he found you thinking that he had been successful only to realize later that that wasn't the case. But still she has to make that sacrifice, so he will lose her anyway, but not entirely. He still has a mate in you. It might take some time for him to get used to the idea, but you're his mate, as much as she is.» He said. She knew he was trying to be helpful, but... She sat up, pulling her knees to her chest. 

«That's the problem.» she said quietly.«He will never be able to look at me without...» she swallowed, but this time she couldn't blink away the tears. «without seeing her. But I can never be like her, Sam. I can never be the woman he fell head over heels in love with.» she sniffed, and rested her chin on her knees. 

Sam sat up next to her, and draped an arm around her shoulders and tugged her in close. For awhile they said nothing, and the only sound that could be heard was the occasional sniff from her. 

«Then be yourself, if he truly loves you then that should be enough.» he said, again trying to make her feel better. But she didn't. The truth echoed in her head, and even though she didn't want to listen to it, it still seeped into her mind. She simply wasn't good enough, and she never would be. 

She didn't answer him, she couldn't trust her voice no to break.