I sensed a sudden brightness pierce my eyelids, as though the sun was shining directly through the morning clouds, its strength magnified by the window. I squinted and peeled my eyes open, feeling groggy and unclean. For a moment, I thought I was still in Naples and I experienced that minor bewilderment of waking up somewhere new after several nights of sleeping elsewhere. I was so relieved to find that I was in our bed, with its thick, down duvet, and cotton pillow cases. So glad to be in our bedroom; with the pure white walls and dark, hardwood floors. I dampened my dry lips with my tongue and turned around to see Esti, but she wasn't there; her side of the bed was unmade and ruffled. I wondered what the time was.
The flat was quiet. I went into the en-suite and brushed my teeth and rinsed with mouthwash; all the while I was ruminating, anticipating what might happen next. I found her in the kitchen, sitting at the island. She was wearing a baggy, grey jumper and shorts, and her hair was tousled at the back; she looked gorgeous, but I didn't mention it. The aroma of freshly brewed coffee fused with the scent of a fresh linen candle she'd lit; I focussed on that instead.
'Morning.' I said, reaching for a mug.
'Good morning.' She replied, her tone gave nothing away.
I poured myself a coffee and faced her. I felt the steam floating up under my chin as I held it to my chest. 'Is Daniel up?'
'Not yet.'
I nodded slowly. 'Esti, I've been thinking...' I spoke quietly. 'About how I can make this better, an-'
'You don't need to, Ronit.'
'I do. And I think tha-'
'No, you don't.' She rested her mug in front of her and wrapped her fingers around it. 'I've been thinking as well, and... I just... need you to know how much it worries me. That you let yourself get into such a state.'
She didn't intend it to, but her words made me feel winded.
'You were... reckless and so far away from home, and I suppose I should feel grateful... I am eternally grateful to Liam and... Ella for looking after you. Because, I don't know what... it terrifies me to think of what could have happened... if they hadn't been there.'
'I know.' My words were sharp and automatic. 'I know. I'm sorry.'
'You have... two people... who love you... two people who depend on you now.'
'I know.' It was all I could say, because I did know. Everything she was saying, I already knew. I felt so weak.
'And, that you would treat yourself like that, it hurts me.'
'You deserve better.' I felt my bottom lip shake.
'No, no...you deserve better. Because you're perfect, and I love you and I don't want you to hurt yourself, ever.'
I stood there, nodding. I felt a tear fall from my eye, I wiped it away hastily.
'And,' she carried on. 'I suppose, we both need to realise that... the decisions we make... and the consequences... they're...'
'Both of ours.' I said, my voice cracking.
'Mm.' She bowed her head; a strand of hair fell in front of her eyes and she pushed it away.
'I'm sorry. I am really sorry.'
'It's okay. I'm sorry too.'
I put my coffee on the side. 'Can I kiss you?'
'I haven't brushed my teeth yet.'
'I don't care.'
She gave a short laugh as I walked to her and took her face in my hands. She smelled like Esti. That teasing fragrance of sweet, fresh flowers; a summer meadow covering her skin. My lips brushed the cashmere smoothness underneath her ear. I inhaled the smell and I heard her sigh. I moved my lips onto hers; her mouth tasted like coffee.
