Darkness in the Neon Lights (H2OVanoss)

Chapter 52

Sleep. That's all I want to do. I just want to sleep... I want to sleep and never wake up...

As I lay in my hospital bed, I try to keep my eyes shut, hoping to be left alone. Hoping for these stupid happy memories would leave me alone... Hoping for something to go wrong so everything would just end. 

All this pain... All these memories... I just want it all to end.

I just want to sleep.

...

If only Jon would let me...

...

If only people stopped visiting me...

...

If only they stopped acting like they cared...

...

If only they didn't talk to Jon about everything...

...

If only... If only I didn't love them so much...

*Two Years Later*

"You've honestly made a lot of progress since you started coming here, Evan," my therapist tells me, causing me to look up at him. Something in my facial expression must have told him that I didn't believe him, which causes him to say, "I'm being serious, you have. You may not feel like it now, but look at where you are now. You have a healthy relationship with a partner that has been there for you after so many years, you finished high school, signed up for college-"

"But that's all because of Jonathan. It's not really me."

"That is not true. Yes, Jonathan is pushing for you to do all of these things, but he is not the one doing any of them. He is there to help you. Not only that, but he isn't the one who is willing to face your past. You are."

"... I just don't want Anthony to try to get out of prison," I say, remembering that letter I got in the mail, talking about how Anthony was trying to appeal his conviction. Which reminds me now that I need to talk to Ze later.

"Have you thought about the other ghosts from your past? The ones we have been speaking about for the past month."

"You mean my parents... You know, I don't even know if they're alive anymore. What if me hearing their voices was them talking to me from the afterlife or some paranormal bullshit. Hell, I don't even know if they are even still in that house!"

"And you never will know until you look." I look away from him and bite my lip, nervously, and starting to tap my foot as I gently start to tap on my knee with my fist. A bad habit I picked up a while ago, but it at least lets people see how nervous I am now... For now, that may be a good thing,  but later, I know I'm going to need to fight this off.

"Evan," he says, making me look over to him. "I know that you are nervous to see what has happened to them and nervous to see how they will react to your past and Jonathan, but if you never put in the effort to try to see them again, you will never know how they are or how they will react."

I sigh and look away again. "I know." 

"When you first came here, you told me that this was something that you wanted to do. That you always saw yourself doing and that you had planned to do the second you walked out that front door... Have you changed your mind about that, or is this just from your fear?"

My eyes travel up to the wall and I stand up when I see that the hour is up. My therapist looked up to the clock and sighs before he does the same. He then walks me out to the payment area as he reassures me that I am again better. After paying for the hour, I walk out to the waiting area, where Jonathan is still sitting, playing on his phone. I smile a little and quietly walk over to him, leaning over and kissing him on the cheek to get his attention. He jumps a little from shock, but he rolls his eyes and stands up, kissing my forehead before he starts to walk me out of the office.