The familiar buzzing sound ringed in my ears. I knew damn well I was in the hospital...again, I remembered everything from last night, despite the fact that I was drunk and usually never remembered anything, but this time I remembered it. I had attacked Mandy, had an argument with Brian and another beating from Dean.
I opened my eyes and saw Johnny sitting beside me in a chair that he pulled up to my bed side. He was watching me and he looked relieved that I had woken up. Although I was far from relieved.
"Hey Lily bear, how you feeling?" he asked softly. I couldn't answer that, I truly did not know how I felt. All I did was shrug my shoulders in response. I didn't even feel like talking.
"I'll go get the guys and girls, they want to see you" he said as I nodded. He got up and left to get everyone. I didn't want to see anyone, I wanted to burn in hell.
The door opened and everyone came piling in. Jimmy came running to my side and hugged me tightly. I didn't move a muscle, I couldn't find the strength to hug him back or even look away from the spot on the wall. He let go and sat beside me while taking my hand in his. Everyone else sat down, I could see from the corner of my eye and the sound of movement. I continued to stare at the spot on the wall, not looking away. My head stayed looking to my left.
"How are you feeling Lily?" I heard Brian's sweet voice fill my ears. I wished I wasn't connected to a heart monitor, the speed picked up and buzzed crazily. I could feel my cheeks go red, but I didn't look at anyone. I didn't even reply.
"Lily? please say something" Jimmy whispered. The sadness in his voice made my lip quiver.
"I wanna go home" I mumbled quietly, like a mouse running from one place to another. But Jimmy heard me and went to get a nurse for dispatch forms.
He returned with a nurse in front of him, she checked me and agreed for me to go home. I signed the papers and changed into my clothes and left the hospital. I walked in the opposite direction from the guys and girls. I wanted to walk. I wanted air, I wanted to clear my head.
"Lily? Where are you going?" Jimmy asked as he wasn't far away from me. Johnny was beside him and he said something to him that I didn't catch on and Jimmy nodded.
"You wanna walk?" he asked. I nodded.
"Are you gonna come back?" he asked. I wanted to shake my head, but I nodded. He hugged me and they went to their cars as I took the back path behind the hospital and into the woods. I really didn't know where I was going but I sat under a tree and sulked.
I felt completely useless. I didn't even know why my life turned upside down. I looked down at my wrist, a bandage was on it and I ripped it off, revealing the fresh cuts I had created last night. They looked disgusting. Just how I felt. I looked away as a tear slid down my cheek as everything floated into my mind and my emotions got the best of me.
What is wrong with me? Nobody had answered to that, even I didn't. I left the woods and strolled back home. I could see that everyone was at the house and I hoped that they weren't loud like usual. Of course they would be, they wouldn't silently be in each other's presence while thinking about my second visit to the hospital with a dazed and depressed look on their face and in their eyes. Why would they? Honestly, why would anyone.
I stepped inside and silently walked to the kitchen, I heard them talking but it wasn't loud and enthusiastic. The happiness didn't linger in the air like it had done before. It was a depressing feeling but thy was probably just me. I took a sip of water and took the bottle and walked past Brian who had came in and straight to my bedroom.
I closed the door and looked around, sighing. I sat on the side of the bed and stared at my bottle of pills. They looked so inviting but yet they didn't. I laid back and stared at the ceiling. I wanted to paint the ceiling because White was the shade I've seen too many times and it's getting boring.
