Red Bullets in June

Chapter 38: Healing

The escaped convicts are still all over the news as police continue to search for them, but with no luck. What they don't know is that the men are buried in the forest by the old, Cedarhurst, drug warehouse next to Byron Bradford's fake tombstone. Khleo is buried there too.
Jaxon appointed Trey as the new leader of The Red Bullets and left the gang for good. He keeps telling me that things will be better now, but I keep getting the feeling that his criminal past will always be lurking behind us like a shadow and we will never be completely free from it. It causes me to feel paranoia about everything. I don't feel completely safe anywhere.
I've had a total of 5 panic attacks from the day I first found out about our baby girl until now. Each one ended in sedation. My panic attacks grew farther and farther apart until they finally disappeared, but the gaping hole in my heart didn't.
It's now Sunday afternoon, September 30, 2018. 8 days since we lost our baby girl. We decided to name her Leila. This morning, we had a funeral for her. Jaxon brought me along via his laptop and I participated in the event through a Skype call. It was the most excruciating and somber experience of my life: Watching that tiny, white casket, no bigger than a shoe box, being lowered into a gaping hole in the earth. A hole that coincides with the hole in my heart. A hole that won't be filled, no matter how much dirt is shoveled into it.
I'm actually grateful I wasn't there in person. The pain and finalizing reality of seeing our baby being buried up close and personal, would have been unbearable.
Even through a screen, it was unbearable.
Leila is buried at the Woodlawn Cemetery in The Bronx, right next to Eunhye June, Jaxon's mom. It gives me a sweet sense of comfort knowing that Leila is with her grandma in heaven. I know her grandma will take good care of her and shower her with love.
That's what our little angel deserves.
If only her brother, Gabriel, could meet her...
The thought constricts my heart.
I'm just laying in my hospital bed because I can't move otherwise, staring blankly at my surroundings, trying desperately to forget the horrid image of our little Leila being lowered into a hole in the ground, but failing miserably.
That image is branded into my brain like a blistered scar.
There's a whole meadow of flowers and 'Get Well' balloons on the left side of my hospital bed. Kway, Arthur, Aria and Brad sent flowers to my mom who then delivered them to me. My mom told them I'm being hospitalized at home and that I don't wish to be bothered to protect Dr. Reed's private and illegal business. Brad was not happy about that, however Jaxon was very pleased. My mom also passed along flowers and balloons from Kyler. Kyler always sends balloons for every occasion. My mom told him that I'm fine and not to worry, but knowing him, I'm sure he's worrying...
I'll have to make it up to him later when I'm healed.
Whenever that will be...
It feels like I'll never escape this plaster prison.
Jaxon's just finished feeding me some pesto pasta and How I Met Your Mother is now playing on the hospital's flat screen TV, but I'm not interested. The cords of depression have wound themselves constrictively tight around my body like a Python and I don't know that I'll ever escape.
Our little angel is gone.
Leila is dead.
We didn't even get the chance to meet her... Or hold her... Or kiss her...
My heart twists with pain.
Jaxon learned quickly not to say the word 'baby' anymore. He can't even call me 'baby' as a term of endearment without a weeping melt down overtaking my being.
"Are you doing okay, Charlotte? Do you need anything?" Jaxon gives me a concerned look. He's sitting in an arm chair next to my bed.
"No, I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
I shift a little inside my casts and realize I do need something. "Well, now that you mention it, I do have to go to the bathroom..."
He jumps to his feet immediately. "I'll help you."
"No Jaxon. I don't have to pee..."
"Charlotte, I really don't mind. Please, let me help you. You don't have to send me out every time you -"
"No. I don't want you to see me... Doing that... Ever."
He sighs. "Alright, I'll call for the nurse."
10 minutes later, Maria leaves the hospital room and gives Jaxon the okay to come back in. When I wouldn't allow Jaxon to help me go number 2, he said there was, 'No way in hell,' he was gonna let my regular, male nurse, Gavin, do it.
I smile slightly at the thought.
Jealous Jaxon.
"You're smiling," Jaxon takes note as he sits in his usual spot at my bed side. He leans over to kiss my lips. "I love it when you smile."
"I was just thinking about the fact that you requested a female nurse to help me instead of a male nurse."
"Oh? You think that's amusing?"
My whisper of a smile returns. "A little."
"Well, I don't want some guy staring at you naked."
"Only slightly. And it's okay if a girl does?"
"I'm not worried about girls, Charlotte. Maybe if you were into girls, then that would be another story."
"Maybe I am..."
He raises an eyebrow at me and I can't help but let out a chuckle. He joins in with his adorable, dimpled laugh. "It's good to see you laughing, Charlotte." He kisses my lips before glancing at the TV screen. "You don't seem very into this. Do you want to watch something else? Or maybe I could read you a book or something like that?"
Hm. Jaxon reading me a book? His breathy and sexy voice continually blessing my ears?
Count me in.
"A book sounds nice."
His cute dimples come out of hiding again. "A book it is. What are you feeling? Fantasy? Romance? Action? Thriller?"
"Romance." Jaxon's favorite.
"Okay, let me see what I have in my iBooks..."
After a minute, he lists off his library of romance novels. "Let's see... I have... Pride and Prejudice, A Walk to Remember, Walk Two Moons, Wuthering Heights -"
"Wuthering Heights."
"Really? That's one of the most messed up love stories of all time."
"Then why do you have it?" I raise my eyebrows at him.
"Fair point. Wuthering Heights it is then."
Jaxon begins reading out loud and I plummet into a mesmerized trance. This is a far better distraction from reality than any movie or TV show. Jaxon's an incredible storyteller and I find myself wondering why I never asked him to read to me before.
When Lockwood has just been introduced to a pack of angry dogs at Heathcliff's place, Adam Young's soft and sweet voice fills the hospital room. He's singing Vanilla Twilight. I set it as my ringtone after I caught Jaxon doing the same.
Jaxon picks up my phone from the bedside table. "It's Brad," Jaxon rolls his eyes. He automatically declines the call.
"What the heck? Why'd you do that?"
"That guy needs to lay off."
"He hasn't even done anything. And you can't just decide what calls to answer on my phone just because I'm constrained at the moment. What if that was something important?"
"I doubt it. Anything he has to say is not important."
I raise my eyebrows at him. "Seriously, Jaxon?"
"Seriously."
"There's nothing between us. I don't know why you're getting your knickers in a twist."
"My what?"
"Your knickers."
"You know that's ladies' underwear, right?"
I giggle. "I know."
He can't resist a smile, cute dimples and all.
There's a tap on the hospital door. My mom walks in and Jaxon jumps to his feet to greet her with a hug. "Hey, Karla."
"Jaxon, sweetheart! How are you?"
"I'm good, thanks."
My mom kisses Jaxon's cheek and he still seems a little taken aback by her continual affection towards him. She ignores this fact as usual.
I was so afraid that my mom would turn Jaxon into the police after she discovered his real occupation, but she hasn't uttered a word about it. Instead, she's been showering him with affection.
"You're such a good boyfriend, dear. Are you sure you don't want to switch me places for a night? I'm sure you could use an actual bed to sleep on."
"Thanks Karla, but I don't want to leave Charlotte."
My mom smiles at him. "Okay, sweetie." She lifts up a shopping bag. "I brought you some more clothes. Where are your dirty ones? I'll wash them for you."
Jaxon takes the bag graciously. "Thank you, Karla, I appreciate it, but Dr. Reed said I could use her laundry room upstairs. You don't need to wash my dirty clothes."
My mom ignores him as she hunts down his dirty clothes. "Nonsense! I'm happy to wash your clothes for you."
Jaxon sighs in defeat. "Okay. Thank you, Karla."
"My pleasure, Sweetie."
Their cute, little bantering warms my heart.
When my mom has finished gathering Jaxon's clothes, she strides to my bedside and bends over to kiss my forehead. "How are you, Sweetheart?"
My mother learned quickly not to say the word 'baby' as well. It's a forbidden subject.
"I'm good. How are you, mom?"
"I'm fine. No need to worry about me when you're in such a horrible condition. Any news on how long you have to wear the casts?"
"3 months..." I grumble.
"That long? Well, at least you have Jaxon." My mom turns to wink at him and his cheeks turn pink.
He's so cute.
And so caring and loyal.
My mom's right.
What would I do without him?
I thank the heavens every day that Jaxon and Gabriel are still alive.
I hope none of us are separated again.

Jaxon is kneeling in a sheet of powdered snow in front of a petite, square headstone with light pink cherry blossoms engraved in the black marble. In white and elegant cursive, it reads:

Leila Eunhye June
June 18 - September 22, 2018
Our sweet and dearly loved angel.

Regretful droplets of water pool on Jaxon's bottom lashes until they can no longer find support and break down onto his cheeks, leaving a trail of missed opportunity with each potent drop.
"Merry Christmas, Princess. Mommy and Daddy made these for you." Jaxon lays down a tiny pair of light pink, knitted booties in the snow. "I wish I could see them on your cute, little feet..."
He collapses onto his forearms in the white cold. "I'm so sorry, Leila...
I'm so sorry..."

"Can I look yet?" I ask Jaxon as he cautiously guides me up a flight of steps. All I know is that we're in Hewlett Bay Park, a good distance from The Red Bullets' mansion. I'm blindfolded and gripping Jaxon's hand as he leads me to a 'surprise' with the upmost care. He makes sure to be considerate of the fact that my limbs are still stiff and rusty after getting my casts off at the end of last month. It's now Saturday, January 12, 2019 and I'm going through physical therapy every day. It's gonna be a painfully long and tedious process as I'll be in physical therapy until the beginning of March. My due date is March 25th...
I really hope I can recover all of my strength before our little Gabriel comes...
"Okay," Jaxon says. "Almost there. Just a few more steps."
When I'm finally on flat terrain, I hear the click of an opening door. My blindfold is removed and I'm taking in the interior of a magnificent, Victorian-style house.
There's a bifurcated staircase right in front of me, like the one at The Red Bullets' mansion, but this one is made of dark copper-stained cedar as the base, soft, cream-colored wood covering the top of each step and a polished mahogany railing. The surrounding floor has squares of both the copper-stained cedar and the soft, cream-colored wood that weave together to make an exquisite mosaic of light and dark diamonds across the floor.
The ceiling is white, flat and rectangular, accentuated by cream-colored paneling that form perfect squares in perfect lines. A royal black chandelier hangs in the ceiling's center, decorated with white crystals and white candles. Each black prong of the chandelier holds a candle and there looks to be about 20 altogether. To top it all off, I can see the beautiful Macy Channel through the vaulted windows.
Wow...
"What do you think?"
"Jaxon, did you..."
"Yes, I bought it. I figured we need a fresh, new start; house and everything."
I gape at him and he grins, looking very pleased. "So, I take it you like it then?"
I throw my arms around his neck. "I love it, Jaxon! I can't wait to raise Gabriel here."
He kisses my hair. "Me too."
Jaxon lets go of me to drop down on one knee.
Oh my gosh.
He takes my hand in his. "Charlotte, I want to raise our family in this house and I want to do it with you as my wife. I need you to be by my side forever." He releases my hand to pull a ring box out of his pocket. He opens it to reveal a dazzling, emerald cut, halo diamond ring. "Will you marry me?"
"Yes!" my heart and I scream out in joy at the same time.
Jaxon's smile twinkles more than the chandelier above our heads. He slides the gorgeous ring onto my ring finger just below my JC tattoo that matches his. The ring accentuates my tattoo perfectly. He stands to pull me into a loving kiss and wraps his arms around me while I do the same to him. We hold each other for a long time in our new home, as a newly engaged couple, as the potential of our new life embraces us.
Everything's gonna be okay. We're getting married. We've got a new house. We're going to have a son. We're all going to be safe here and we're going to be like any normal family.
My better judgment glances up from her phone as she lounges on the couch. She rolls her eyes and continues scrolling. After everything that I've done, she's given up on me.