" Can I?"
DATE 12 : 24 : 18 : 7 : 59 PM
I am not a holiday person. And I've progressively realized this throughout my years of life. It's all cumulated this year. I don't know why. I know why. I doesn't feel like the holiday season to me. It's just the weird subconscious anxiety. This song that I'm listening to really portrays it for me. The absense of absence between verses, the constant beat. The shortness of the song, the muffled vocals. But I know why I feel this way. It started when my dad died. The family died when he did. The holidays died when he did. But this year killed me too. I went through a lot. And I mean a lot. I think I truly lost the feeling when my relationship with my mother started diminishing. And watching that happen is hard. I never thought I could be mad at her, but then again I never thought my father would die. So it's just somber.
This year is closing, and I reflect what I was doing this time last year, and I helped with the cookies, I decorated the tree, someone wanted me helping to put up decorations. Now, she wanted to do it herself, I don't know when they decorated the tree, and the cookies were done. This time last year my fear was just a fear, this time now my fear is reality. So I'm waiting for my holidaze to be over with.
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College can make you question everything. My plan has changed so much. It was college living at home to on campus to rotc to now a house. Just more anxiety that can be for another chapter.
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Happy holidays even though I never wished it through texted. I haven't wished anyone a happy holiday.
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My New Year's Resolution is to live my life for myself and not to be hurt by other's words.
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I'm 19 and I'm on fire.
- Update Heartbreak is a good song for this update but the title and one I talk about is Devil In My Head.
