Conflicting Feelings (Laurisa)

27

Lauren's P.O.V

This is the first time I'm in my room since the accident. I stepped inside and I felt... nothing. I was expecting or more so hoping that I would walk into my room and my memory would just 'turn back on, almost like a light switch. But sadly this wasn't the case. I walked in further and thoroughly examined the different pictures on the walls and different 'nicknacks' on the nightstand and dresser. I walked over to my desk and sat down in the chair. I knew my sisters and I were in some kind of band or something from the back of that one photo that talked about recording an album. I had also talked to Christina about it and she told me I wrote a lot of songs. So I thought sitting down at my desk, would spark some kind of memory... it didn't.

I opened the drawer to find a notebook that was already opened to a page. I lifted it out of the drawer and brought it closer to my face so I could read it. To be honest, I could barely make out what it said because the handwriting was so bad. I flipped through more of the pages and saw some song lyrics and some journal entries, none of which jogged my memory. I sighed loudly as I stood up from my chair and walked to a different part of the room. I ran my hand through my hair to pull it out of my face so I could clearly see everything. I walked over to where there was a wall full of Polaroid pictures. There were a few bare parts between the photos which led me to believe this is where the pictures I saw came from.

There were a ton of photos so I decided to look at each of them carefully, as I tried to remember the moment they were taken. I saw pictures of myself and my parents, my brothers, and my sisters. There was even one of me and Adam. I pulled the photo off the wall so I could get a better look at it. He looked so happy in it and I felt bad that a relationship between me and him would never work out. I turned the photo over and saw another note on the back.

March 9th, 2018
Adam is one of the greatest people I've ever met. He's genuinely so kind and he cares about me so much. I couldn't ask for a better person in my life.

Maybe I actually liked him and I just can't remember it. I don't like him now though... at least I don't think I do. I shook my head and stuck the picture back on the wall. I saw a picture of me, Dani and Lisa, together and took that picture off the wall to read it.

November 23, 2018
chillin wit the bros. Jk had the best time with the two best people on this planet. Love them so much.

I laughed at the strange caption and then felt a mix of different emotions. I couldn't tell if I was angry or if I was sad because of them. They both lied to my face, especially Lisa. I still just don't understand how you can do that to someone. But on the other hand, I see all these pictures and we all look so happy... and if I don't forgive them, we'll never get to that place again. I sighed and put the picture back of the wall, and directed my attention to other pictures.

"Christina?"

"Yeah?"

"Who are these people?" She walked over to me and I pointed to pictures on my wall that were of me and random girls I've never met before.

"Oh, those are some of your friends. Those two right there," She said pointing to a picture of me and two other girls posing together in front of a brightly painted wall. "They're you're best friends. You've known them for like three years now... ever since we've moved to Tennessee you guys have been friends."

This whole thing was so frustrating. Every time I look at a picture of me and my 'best friends' I don't even recognize them. I'm trying so hard to remember but it's just not working. I walked away from the wall of pictures and walked over to a nightstand that had a candle on it. I sat down on the bed and read the candle label. Lavender Vanilla. I shrugged and absentmindedly smelled the candle.

"This smells so familiar," I said as I tried to think of what it reminded me of. Christina came over and sat down on the bed next to me.

"It does? Do you remember anything?" She asked me with a hint of excitement in her voice.

"I don't know."

"You don't know? What do you mean you don't know?"

"I'm trying to remember." My mind kept going blank. It was almost as if the answer was on the tip of my tongue, but every time I got close to making the connection between the smell and the memory, it would disappear. "I can't."

"Well try harder, Lauren!" Christina snapped at me.

"I'm sorry Christina. I can't just magically make myself remember everything because trust me, I'd I could, I would." I snapped back. I was definitely more angry with myself for not being able to remember anything that I was at her. My anger just happened to come out towards her. I smelled the candle again and nothing came to mind... everything went blank in my mind. I slammed the candle back down on the nightstand and stood up, so frustrated. I ran both my hands through my hair and kept them there as I walked over to look out the window.

Christina must have sensed something was wrong since she came right over to talk to me. "Lauren, look, I'm sorry. I know it's hard, and I know you're trying you're hardest. There's no need to rush right now... your memory will come back to you so don't get angry because you can't remember something simple, alright? We don't have to do this now if you need a break."

I shook my head. "No... I want to remember everything... no matter what it takes." I stood up and started to walk out of my room, and went to the room directly across the hall. "You said this is Dani's room, right?"

"Yep, you spent a lot of time in there with her since you two were so close." Christina said as she came up behind me and I opened the door to enter Dani's room. "You might even have a better chance at something triggering your memory in here." I heard her chuckle slightly as I turned the light on in Dani's room and stepped inside.

It seemed so different. It was vibrant and full of energy, completely different than what I thought it would look like. Dani seemed so quiet and aesthetic to me and I would have expected her room to resemble that more.

"Does this room remind you of her?" I asked Christina, as I walked around the room admiring the paintings on the wall and the shelves full of books and old CDs. An almost dark, grunge kind of vibe. "Like her personality."

"I think it resembles Dani perfectly."

"From what I've seen of her, this room doesn't remind me of her at all."

"She's choosing not to show you her true personality. She's actually quite reserved." I paused, continuing to look around the room. "We should probably get going soon, Lauren. It's starting to get late." I nodded my head and turned to follow her out of Dani's room, as we made our way to her truck.