Abused

3 AM

~Continued Flashback~

November 29, Monday 

Hermione shot up in bed, drenched in sweat. She had had yet another bad dream about Ron. Three nights in a row, she had barely gotten any sleep because of them. Hermione quietly got up and found her way to the girls' bathroom. She met her own eyes in the mirror. She had dark bags under her eyes, and her whole face looked sunken. She couldn't bring herself to eat for the past two days. Every time she went to the dining hall, she would end up running into the four other eighth year girls. The girls would laugh and smile with Hermione, as if nothing at all had happened. 

Hermione sighed heavily and splashed water onto her face. She couldn't get the image of Ron out of her head. Her dream wasn't exactly the same every night. The first nightmare she had had was Ron breaking into her room. The second night she imagined Ron chasing her through empty halls, holding the crucifix necklace that was in the classroom. And the nightmare she had just woken up from was her talking to Myrtle, but Myrtle was human, not a ghost. Hermione was confiding in Myrtle like she had been regularly for the past few days. Suddenly, Ron burst into the bathroom and cursed Myrtle, killing her. Hermione had already developed a routine for when she woke up from the nightmares. She would get up out of bed, careful not to wake Pansy, and spend a good half-hour in the bathroom. She had realized after the first night that she would not be going back to sleep anytime soon. So sometimes she would just hang out in the common room, and when someone woke up, she would make the excuse that she just woke up. 

Hermione hated the fact that one person had turned her life so upside down. Since Ron had started his abuse, both physically and sexually, she hadn't slept a full night's sleep, she hadn't eaten normal meals (and now she wasn't eating barely anything), and she had had panic attacks from random triggers.  

She had been so excited when she got her letter over the summer. She had thought that she would see her friends again, that she would learn in Hogwarts one last time, that it would turn out to be one of the best years of her life. Instead, she was miserable. Sure, she had made friends with people she had initially hated, but what about the friends that she initially loved? The ones who stuck by her through thick and thin. She had drifted away from the ones she loved most because one of them had torn her down bit by bit until she felt like she was nothing. Yet, she didn't want to disappoint anyone, so she had to put on a smile each and every day, pretending like she didn't feel like absolute shit. Hermione felt like an actress, putting on a show for everyone around her, despite her own personal struggles. 

Hermione wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't seem to come out. And no matter what she did, she couldn't get her mind off of her sadness and her feeling of helplessness. Hermione met her eyes again in the mirror. 

"Come on, Hermione. This is pathetic," she told herself. "Are you expecting someone to come and save you? You are going to have to handle this yourself." Hermione contemplated this for a second. She stood silently, thinking about what she should do. She thought for a few seconds, but only came up with blanks. Hermione ran her hand through her hair angrily. "But I don't know how!" she exclaimed. "I don't have the courage to tell someone like Myrtle wants me to, but I can't confront Ron because he'll just get angry." Hermione groaned and slid down the wall behind her until she was in a sitting position. 

Hermione felt helpless. She had always thought she was capable of handling herself. SHe had thought that no matter what happened, she would be able to keep her cool and figure things out. She thought others could trust and rely on her. But how could they do that when Hermione couldn't even rely on herself. 

Hermione chuckled lightly. "What the hell am I doing? I'm in the bathroom at 3 AM arguing with myself."  Hermione's felt heavier than usual. The exhaustion from the past few days came rushing onto her. Hermione wanted to sleep, but she couldn't bring herself to. Who knew if she'd just wake up ten minutes later, drenched in a whole new batch of fear and sweat. Hermione sighed. She wished she could just have something to make it all stop for just a moment. Her eyes laced around the room. She spotted a razor. One of the girls must have forgotten it after a shower. 

Hermione slowly rose to her feet. She crossed the small bathroom gingerly, scared she might suddenly pass out from exhaustion. Hermione fought to keep her eyes open as she reached for the small, purple razor. She didn't really process what she was doing, her body moving on its own. She didn't really think as she grabbed the razor and placed it carefully on her skin. She took a deep breath and- 

"Hermione?" Hermione's eyes shot open. Reality rushed back to her as she saw the razor pressed against her arm, seconds away from drawing blood. Hermione gasped, and the razor fell to the ground with a thud. She stood still for a few seconds, desperately hoping that the person outside would go away. 

Hermione couldn't believe that she had almost been caught. No, she couldn't believe what she was about to do. She didn't exactly want to do it, but at the time, she had been pushed so far, it had seemed like the only option. 

"Hermione? Is that you in there?" Hermione recognized Pansy's voice. She quickly grabbed the razor and set it back where she had found it. 

"Uh, yes. It's- It's me!" Hermione stuttered out, rushing to make it look as if nothing had happened. She ran over to the sink and splashed her face with water.

"What are you doing in there? At 3 AM?" Hermione was panicking. She didn't want Pansy to find out. Pansy had been one of the only people she could talk to freely this year. Almost freely. What if Pansy was disgusted and left her alone. What if she called her a slut and gossiped about her. No, she wouldn't do that. Would she?

Hermione suddenly flung open the door, surprising Pansy. "I was going to the bathroom," Hermione stated, trying to make it sound like it was obvious. Pansy crossed her arms and rose one of her eyebrows. 

"Alright. But why for 45 minutes?" Pansy retorted. Panic struck Hermione. 

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked. How did Pansy know she had been there for 45 minutes, and what did she think of it? 

"I saw you leave our room awhile ago. I figured you had to go to the bathroom, so I didn't think much of it. However, you weren't coming back. I thought something may have happened." Hermione struggled to respond. What was she to say now. 

"I- uh- couldn't sleep. I had to get up and wash my face and just hang out for a second." Half-truth. Pansy maintained eye contact with Hermione, as if she was trying to fish out the lie. 

"In the bathroom?" Pansy asked, becoming more and more doubtful every second. Hermione was frantic, but she tried to keep it out of her expressions. 

"Well, I also went to the bathroom and stuff. I just had to clear my mind before going back to sleep." Pansy still didn't seem satisfied with her answer, but she seemed to accept that that was as much as she was going to get out of Hermione. Hermione sighed with relief as Pansy rolled her eyes and turned to head back to their room. 

"Whatever. I'm tired so let's go back to sleep." Hermione let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. She followed Pansy quietly back to their room and got back in bed. 

Hermione was pretty sure that if Pansy found out, she would stay by Hermione until the end, helping her get through everything. But there was still that voice in the back of her mind that told her she wouldn't. That Pansy would abandon her, leaving her with no friends and no one to help her through everything. There was that small chance that Pansy would leave Hermione behind, and no matter how much Hermione was struggling, no matter how much she was hurting, she didn't want to take that chance.   

Author's Note

Lol I finally posted on the right day. As I said I'm already off of school so you guys should expect an update once a week on Sundays. If not, I'll try and post sometime in the following week. Thanks! Kiss Kiss!