Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

01. lovesick porridge

I bite my lip to hold back a scream. I have to be quiet. Silence is the only way to escape. I can feel the walls pressing against me and I'm suffocating like a child wrapped in the grasp of a boa snake. I'm going to die. 

A drop of perspiration drips down my forehead and I hold my breath. I squeeze my knees up to my chest trying to make myself as small as possible. My breath is steamy and clouding around me. I shiver even though it's boiling hot in here. 

I need to leave. Now. So I do. I begin to quote Alice in Wonderland in my head and then I'm off. I'm in a garden of white roses and talking rabbits and tea parties. I'm at the beach sitting under apricot and salmon skies, hearing the soft rolling of the waves. I'm scribbling poetry at my desk and listening to the soft patter of rain on the rooftop. 

I'm anywhere but here. 

"Lavender?" I hear a voice call and I snap my eyes open. 

"I'm in here," I cry out desperately. A moment later the door to the shed opens and a stream of light floods in. June stands in the doorway, his head cocked to the side. 

"What are you doing in here?" he asks. I rush past him and step onto the grass, gasping. 

"I was looking for a tape measure and I accidentally locked myself in," I whisper. He pulls me in for a hug and strokes my hair softly. 

"You're okay, Lav." I let out a whimper. I must look pathetic.

It's no secret that everyone is fearful of something. The only issue is that I'm fearful of the wrong things. I'm fearful of irrational things and as hard as I try I can't control them. I wrote them all down in my journal once and then ripped out the page. I've carried it with me ever since:

1. Cemeteries
2. Fires
3. Mirrors
4. Crowds
5. Deep Water
6. Small spaces
7. Germs
8. Aliens
9. Clocks
10. Heights
11. Elevators
12. Black cats

And then last of all, falling in love. There is just something about that altered state of consciousness that freaks me out. Because once you're in love, it's a trap that you can't get out of. 

It's like drowning in thick porridge with too much honey. It feels beautiful but once it starts to go sour all you want to do is leave... but you can't because now you love that person too much. You're too afraid to leave because you'll be heart broken. Then everything goes into this hazy, lovesick state and you can't think properly and you're blinded by your emotions and in the end, just about everyone ends up worse off than when they started.

Well, that's what I've heard anyway. 

To me, it sounds like a very dangerous game to be playing. Worse than Russian roulette. That's why when I promised myself that I would overcome each and every one of these fears, falling in love was not included on the list.

That's the one fear of mine that I will never, ever, mess with.

"Killer whales or sharks?" June asks me with a grin, breaking my reverie. He's trying to distract me. He always does. I think for a moment.

"Killer whales. More dangerous according to statistics."

"I knew you'd say that." He laughs.

"What, how?"

"'Cause you're a nerd." He smirks.

"Hey!" I cry. I grab the book beside me and hit him with it playfully. He is such an idiot. 

He's been an idiot since the day I met him. I remember that day so clearly, I was sitting under the oak tree, eating a peanut butter sandwich. He had come over, almost tripping over his untied shoelaces with dirt smudged across his cheeks.