Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

07. infinity between us

The following afternoon, I meet Patty at the park. We start walking the circuit with the sun beating down on the backs of our necks. We have a brief chat before lapsing into silence, the only sound being that of our shoes crunching on the gravel. 

I realize I don't really know much about him at all; like his interests, hobbies, family, likes and dislikes - yet somehow, I can't think of anything to say. It's then that I feel his knuckles brush against mine. I keep my eyes straight ahead and keep walking.

It's a simple movement but it has so much more meaning. Enough meaning that it could cause the sun to burn out.

"Lavender," he says, his tone hushed. He matches his speed to mine.

"Yeah?" I asl. The plants are singing to me.

"Don't be shy," he whispers. I can feel his fingers brushing against mine again. I pull my hand back and stop walking.

"I'd prefer we didn't." I let out a shaky breath.

"Okay," he replies meekly but he looks hurt. We start walking again. There is an incredibly awkward tension between us. I feel bad so I reach over and grab his hand. He smiles at me in surprise.

"You're really cool Lavender," he says. For some reason, I feel super uncomfortable by this compliment. Patty is such a nice guy. He's charming, funny and bright so why can't I just be normal around him?

"Thanks," I say awkwardly. I swear I can see the moon laughing at me. It's one of those days when it's slightly visible in the blue sky even though it's daytime.

The rest of the walk isn't too bad. We start talking again about school and our families. Once we get into it, the awkward silences seem to dissipate. I eventually slip my hand out from Patty's and he doesn't mention it to my relief. I honestly don't know how to navigate this whole situation.

I'm glad when we get to the end of the walk. This entire time I've been on edge, trying to monitor what I say and not give him the wrong impression. A long bubble bath sounds great right about now. I sit down on the swingset and glance up at him my legs swinging. I go higher and higher and he simply watches me.

"You wanna get frozen yoghurt?" he asks and I shake my head. "I can drive you home then if you like?" I feel like if I jumped off the swing right now I could fly.

"No thanks," I say. "It's a nice day and it'll only take me ten minutes to walk."

"Well okay then," he says and takes the swing next to me. We sit there in silence, only the creaking of the swings filling the void between us. A chasm of all the things we have left unsaid.

"I'm too scared to fall in love," I say but it simply comes out as, "This was nice."

"I don't want to just be your friend," he says, but I only hear, "Yup."

"Please don't be mad," I whisper but instead, I say, "Goodbye then."

"I'll wait for you." He tells me, only letting out a "See ya."

I wonder if he can hear the silent words too?

He waves and heads to his car and I breathe a sigh of relief. I really need to relax. Why am I so against the idea of being with Patty anyways? He is at least a genuinely good guy.

Everything is such a goddamn mess and I seem to only be making it worse.

After he leaves I sit on the swing for a bit staring up at the endless expanse of blue sky, wondering how I got myself into such a mess. Maybe cupid has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and he's just shooting his arrows in every direction? Muddling up everyone's feelings and thinking he's helping?