Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

23. a cat or two

I spread the list out over my desk and smile. I don't know why I gave up so easily. I knew it was going to be hard and anyway, I don't need Patty to continue it. It was never about him. This list is about me and overcoming my fears. I grab my cell from beside me in a sudden burst of inspiration and call up the nearby animal rescue centre.

"Hello? Queens Animal Shelter. Jane speaking, how can I help you?" A woman with a sweet voice answers.

"Hello, I was just wondering if you had any black cats available for adoption?" The words spill out of my mouth before I can even process them. It didn't occur to me that I probably should have consulted my parents. I can't just turn up at home with a cat later on yet that's exactly what I plan to do. I call June excitedly right after and tell him excitedly. He has the most confused tone to his voice when he finally answers.

"What do you mean you have to go pick up a cat?"

"A cat. I'm adopting a cat to prove to myself I've gotten over my fear."

"Are you sure? That's a big responsibility, Lav." I sigh. He's right. A mental list of everything I'd need rushes past in my head, a bed, food, bowls, toys, litter box, scratching post, collar, microchips.

Okay, maybe this wasn't the greatest idea I've ever had. I eventually cave in, logic overruling my spontaneous outburst. We decide to just go and visit the shelter and meet the cats. If all goes well, we can always come back another day for the official adoption. Plus, this way it will give me a chance to work my parents around to the idea.

June grudgingly agrees to meet me at the bus stop in thirty minutes. I stand outside in the warm morning sunshine and daze off. I feel a tap on my shoulder and jerk around to see June smiling at me. We get on the bus and sit at the very back facing across from each other.

I shift uncomfortably as the bus bounces on the uneven road. There's chewing gum stuck on my seat. I shiver at the thought of how many germs must be on here and I jump up. The bus jolts and I go to reach for handle before thinking about how many germs must be on there too.

I pull my sleeve over my hand so none of the germs will be able to touch my skin and I rest it the slightest bit against the poll. If this bus jolts violently one more time I'm going to fall. I close my eyes but my mind doesn't stop racing. I just know the germs are going to seep through my clothes and onto my skin and - the sounds of the bus breaking sounds loudly. 

June must have pressed the button. I open my eyes and sure enough, we have reached our stop. I hate public transport but neither of us can drive, that was one of the good things about Patty. He had his own car. We jump off the bus onto the nature strip and I look up at the clouds. They drift slowly and I imagine that one of them has all my fears piled on top of it and it's just floating away. Floating away to someplace else and taking all my fears with it. June pulls on my elbow and I realise I got lost in my thoughts again. 

"You coming?" he asks. 

"Yup!" I feel a rush of excitement zap through me. I've never had my own pet before. I can just imagine what it'd be like, a little fluffy ball snuggling into you at night and a friend you can hang out with anytime you like. 

The two of us walk the short fifteen minutes till we arrive at the shelter. I burst through the door and go straight up to the reception desk. The lady is the same one who spoke to me on the phone and she brings June and I around the back right away. We walk down the narrow hallway and the excitement I was feeling rushes away in an instant. 

There are so many animals here. A lot more than I thought there'd be. I can hardly feel hatred towards a little black cat when it's locked up in a cage meowing sadly. My heart breaks. 

I look up at June, "We have to get one. Look at the poor little things!" He shakes his head at me. "|

"Didn't we just go over this! You can't rush into a decision of getting a pet, it's like having a kid!" he cries. Jane turns back to face us. 

"Your boyfriend is right, adopting a pet is a big decision. You have to be sure. A lot of these animals are here because the owners didn't understand this and make sure they could properly take care of them." Boyfriend? I look at June and see he is turning red. 

"Uh, he's not my boyfriend," I mumble. 

"Oh, sorry. I just thought-" she glances down at our interlinked arms and we both immediately drop our hands down to our sides. He looks at me awkwardly.

"But yes, we won't be rushing into it," he says breaking the silence. She gives a small smile and continues walking down the hall before stopping in front of a series of doors. 

"Here we are, take your time. Let me know which ones you'd like to visit and I can unlock the door for you." I glance in a few and see each animal has its own little room complete with a bed, a bowl, a litter box and a toy. It's all the necessities but I can't help but feel bad for these animals. I would hate living in a such a small area. 

We glance in the windows and I soon notice all the kittens and cats are just grouped together, there isn't a specific area for black ones. I glance in the windows of three more doors before I reach a black one. My heart stops for a minute. There it is, curled up on a little blanket. It has soft blue eyes and fully black fur. It gives a little yawn and I guess it would be mewing although I can't hear it from out here. It stands up and starts padding in my direction. 

I jump back from the door and crouch down so it can't see me. It's an instinct reaction. June is immediately by my side. 

"You okay?" he asks and I nod, frustrated. How am I ever going to get over this fear if I can't even look at a cat on the other side of a door without freaking out? "How about we start with a different coloured cat so you can get used to it?" he suggests and I nod again. That makes sense. 

We read the labels beside each door and eventually stop at one. It has a little orange tabby inside with deep brown eyes that look like melted chocolate. The name reads Oscar, it's a male, eighteen months old. Jane unlocks the door for us and we step inside and sit down on the linoleum floor. The kitten pads towards us and rubs its head against my legs. I can hear it letting out a gentle purr. I reach a hand out tentatively to stroke it's back. The purr doubles in volume. I let out a small laugh under my breath and the kitten places its hands on my ankles, seemingly trying to pull itself onto my lap.

"This one actually seems really sweet," I murmur giving it's back a gentle rub. I don't really know why it's black cats that scare me the most. I still have a slight aversion to other cats but this one is nothing short of perfect. 

June reaches over and gives the kitten a rub behind the ear, "Hello Oscar," he whispers. We eventually leave the little tabby behind and June suggests we try a black one now. I take a deep breath and look in the window with the black kitten again. It's licking its paws but it stops to stare up at me. I feel a shiver run down my spine. 

Jane unlocks it and June gently presses the door open. He walks in and I follow making sure to stay behind him. He goes straight up to the cat and begins running his fingers through its fur. I just slide back against the door and feel as my chest seems to constrict. This room is small, way too small and I'm trapped here with no other than a black cat. 

It seems like a terrible nightmare and I have to remind myself that I'm the one who wanted it.

 It wasn't a case of June convincing me. 

It wasn't Patty with his charming smile and determination. 

It wasn't my parents or my sisters pushing me and it certainly wasn't Jade. She hates cats with a passion. 

No. This was entirely my decision and therefore it's entirely up to me to face them all and help myself to get through it.