Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

20. scrapbooker

I slide down on the floor beside her feet. She pauses and looks down at me confused.

"What are you talking about?"

"Patty," I breathe out and lean my head back against the lockers.

"And? What about him?" she prods. I sigh. Shit, I never thought this would happen and I don't know how to handle my feelings.

"I think...I think I've fallen way too hard for him." Her expression says everything, she raises an eyebrow and her lips quirk quizzically.

"Are you saying you...love him?" she asks, her smile growing. I bury my face into my hands and she crouches down next to me.

"I don't know if I could say love yet, but it's getting close," I groan. "I don't know how I feel about this." This is not good. Love is a trap and somehow I've gotten caught up in the web. I feel so vulnerable and helpless and I don't like it. "Should I break up with him?"

"Lavender! No!" Jade cries shocked. "Why would you even say that? Patty is great and you've been so happy with him."

"I know. I know. It's just...scary," I say. She shakes her head at me. The medication has been helping me a lot. It's been stopping my thoughts from spiraling out of control and I think I'm starting to manage the panic attacks a little better. Otherwise, I'd probably be throwing up right now. 

"Anyone who isn't afraid to fall in love is an idiot. I was terrified to let my guard down with Indigo, but trust me. It's worth it." The bells rings and she stands up, "sorry gorgeous but I gotta go." She pats my back and walks off. I stand up, grab my bag and walk in the opposite direction to my class, my head still swirling. 

I just don't wanna get hurt. I don't want to get my heart broken, or break anyone else's for that matter.

Love seems like a much too dangerous thing to mess around with.

Patty's leaving today.

He has mismatched sets of belongings bundled under his arms. Beige and maroon vintage trunks, tartan blankets and a camera hanging around his neck. I swear he looks like he could be some 1930's newsboy or something. He loads his stuff into his car while his mum stands behind him with her arms crossed. He hauls the last suitcase in and slams the boot shut with a thud. He turns on his heels to face me.

"Petal, I'm sorry again. Really," he says and pulls me in for a hug. I lean my head against his shoulder, he smells like honeydew and pine trees. It makes me want to steal one of his jumpers to wear while he's away because I've grown to find his scent so comforting.

"It's fine," I mumble. I don't want him to leave with any frustration or annoyance between us. I don't want to let go either. Frankly, it scares me how attached I've grown to him in such little time. It seems like he doesn't want to let go either and we hug for an abnormally long time.

"Okay. That's enough. Patty get in the car," his mum says interrupting us. I respect her no-fuss attitude but she's the one forcing him to move. Can't she at least let him say a proper goodbye to his girlfriend?

He smiles at me and starts walking away, tugging on my hand a final time just before he lets go. It's a small gesture but it fills me up with little butterflies that flutter in loops and zigzags.

"I'll call you tonight, promise," he says as he walks to around to the passenger seat. His mum starts the car and he frantically rolls down the window. He sticks his head out as she backs down the driveway, "and I'll text you an update when I get there."

"Okay," I call back, waving. He looks so stupid with his head stuck out the window as he tries to face me, I can't help but smile at him. The car peels away down the street but he's still calling various things out at me to the last moment. I can't fully hear him in the wind, but I strain to make it out.