Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

09. burn baby burn

June sits in front of me, on the edge of my bed with a small cylinder clasped tightly between his thumb and forefinger. The plastic is bright blue. I watch slowly as he flicks the lid off and I feel a bead of sweat roll down my forehead. 

It's like my blood has turned to moonshine and fairy dust. He runs his thumb over the top. He stops, staring at me intently with a slight crease in his brows. 

"Lav, are you okay?" I can't process his words. I'm slightly aware that he is touching my arm but I'm just staring at the wall, unresponsive. Everything goes woozy and I can feel my heart pumping at an alarming rate. I feel bile rise up in my throat and I stumble into the bathroom and start heaving into the sink. I feel way too hot but I'm shivering at the same time. Everything is too loud.

I can feel someone rubbing my back and speaking to be. I don't know what they're saying. I sit on the ground and pull my knees up to my chest, resting my clammy forehead against them.I need to run, I need to- a cold washcloth is pressed against my head.

Two hours later I sit downstairs on the couch with June eating cream cheese bagels. I lean back on the burnt orange sofa in exhaustion. I gently close my eyes but a sense of panic ensues and I have to open them right up again to make sure my lounge room isn't engulfed in burning hot flames. To ensure that the turquoise curtains fluttering in the breeze aren't drowning in a fiery blaze. 

All it had taken was a lighter. A lighter just like the one June has had in his hand hours earlier. The thought generates an uncomfortable dread that creeps up from the pit of my stomach.

"Hello?" I snap my eyes up to see June is speaking to me, "You there?" he asks. I blink a few times.

"Yeah, sorry I got distracted."

"Stop thinking about it," he says, sliding over to sit next to me. It. I can't keep it out of my head."I'm worried about you. I'm thinking that maybe this wasn't such a good idea," he says quietly. He rubs his thumb in circles over the top of my hand.

"No. I have to."

"You don't. If you can't handle this, if it's too much, just stop. I don't want you putting yourself through all this pain for nothing." I glare up at him. 

No one knows what it's like. Every day I feel on edge, like at any moment something is going to pop up right in front of me that will put me in a state of panic. I have to be so careful, avoid so many things and always be wary of my surroundings. I avoid beaches, pool, birthday parties, school events, holidays and pretty much any other social gathering or event. 

If I go somewhere outside of my normal routine, I don't know what's going to be there. I might go to the cafe down the road and be confronted with a massive mirror on the wall or visit a friends place only for them to have a roaring fire. It's just too risky. And when I am in public, I'm always afraid I'll have an episode and people will stare at me strangely as if to say, "what's wrong with her?" I can't live like that anymore.

"I'm doing this June. Whether you help me or not," I say firmly. He just doesn't get it. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair.

"If that's what you really want." I don't have any other options. I pull out the crumpled piece of paper and stare down at the thirteen lines in despair. The only I've really conquered has been the aliens, thanks to Patty's joking. The rest feel like a heavy weight on my chest.

I need to give myself a break. I message Jade asking if I can stay at her place for the night. She always makes me feel better.I arrive at her house and I knock on the big wooden door. Jade has one of the nicest houses, it has an open floor plan and a massive pool and spa. Her family is kind of rich but not ridiculously. I can hear really loud rap music playing inside. A girl answers the door and I think I recognise her from the pictures Jade showed me.