Lavender Monarch has Exactly Thirteen Fears

June XIII

[age 17]

Under the open sky. We float like angels without wings. Slowly spinning. Slowly drifting. To the ground. Up, up and away. 

I pull her close to me and rub her shoulder with my thumb. I can feel her soft breath on my chest. She seems tired. The sky spreads out above us endlessly and suddenly I know this is the right time. 

To tell her everything I've been holding in. 

"Lavender?" I ask, already struggling to say the words. "What would you say if I loved you?" 

The air around us falls quiet. 

"I'd say I love you too," she whispers. I catch my breath. 

"What..." I can't do this, "if I said I loved you," I pause. My words have escaped me, stolen by pixies and flown into the night. "...as more...not," I try again and silently curse myself. Why can't I even string together a sentence? I swallow. 

"Not...as a friend." 

My. Heart. Stops. 

She doesn't say anything. I look down at her form, leaning into me and hope with my whole heart that she'll say she feels the same. That she'll say she loves me as much as I love her. That I can finally kiss her and hold her tight. Tell her she's safe. Tell her she's mine. 

She's taking too long. I can already feel the cracks start to weave their way through my heart. 

She looks up at me. I want to kiss her so bad. The carnival lights dance over the topography of her skin and I catch my breath. 

She leans in an inch. I can hardly think. My heart is racing as I slowly close the gap. Our lips touch and a million fireworks set off in my chest in a moment. 

She drags a hand through my hair and I feel a tingle rise up all the way from my toes. I can't believe this is happening. Nothing else in the world matters except her. I can't get enough. 

She pulls back and I suck in the cool air, unable to take my eyes off her. She smiles a little and I can't help but press my lips to hers again. I put a hand against her cheek as I pull her face into mine. Her lips are as sweet as buttercream and I can tell she is smiling. 

I get swept up in a wave of euphoria and I'm lost from the world. 

She bites my lips softly and I let out a soft moan, involuntarily. Shit. I catch myself and look down, embarrassed. I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks. 

I love her so much. I can't even stay embarrassed. I mean, if we're going to date it'll probably happen again at some point. 

I turn to look at her and she is biting her lip and looking at her hands. Is she upset?

"I really love you Lavender," I say, meaning it with my whole heart. I hope she knows its true. I'm soaring. 

"I'm sorry," she whispers. 

I barely hear it but then the words register. I'm sorry?

I close my eyes. 

My heart starts beating again. 

But inside, I am broken. 

We get off the ferris wheel and I feel like I'm floating twelve inches off the ground. Everything is hazy. My mind is a forest of misty clouds. 

June and Indigo say their goodbyes and I drive Lavender home. We get out at her house and walk up to the front door. She hugs me and I blink back the tears in my eyes. 

"Goodnight," I tell her. My heart feels like a big machine has come to destroy it and has broken it into a million tiny pieces and scattered them to the four corners of the earth. 

It's all too much. 

She doesn't go inside. She sits on the ugly orange and green couch on her porch. They picked it up off the side of the street a year ago. She pats the place beside her and I sit down. 

Crumpling like a discarded piece of paper. 

"Are you okay?" she asks me. 

"Are you okay?" I'd asked her on the ferris wheel. 

"Are you okay?" I'd asked her in the mirror, in the elevator, in the pool, in the ocean, in my car, by the fire, her bed, her room, school hall, lunchtime, art show, animal shelter, treehouse, party, over and over. 

"Are you okay?" I'd asked her a million times. 

Now I'm not okay. 

"No," I say. My voice cracks. Tears in my eyes. I blink them back. 

"I'm not either," I hear her say distantly. "I'm just scared, June."

Doesn't she know she's safe with me? 

Doesn't she know?