How To Be The Best Third Wheel

Original Edition - Tip 46: Shizballs, I Really Have No Advice For This One

Holy shizballs

"How do I look?"

Crabapples

Ninang Kath, beside me, makes the sign of the cross and mutters, "Susmarysosep! Anong nangyari sa batang 'to..." (Jesusmaryjoseph! What happened to this child...)

-and sauce

"Ano po yon?" (What was that?) Eliza asks, not catching my Godmother's sped up sentence.

Ninang Kath makes an incredibly horrible fake laugh, while waving her previous comment off, "Wala Ineng..." (Nothing Dear...). She quickly turns me, mouthing, Parang may tama ang ulo ng pinsan mo (It seems that your cousin's head was hit). However, I am too shocked to even respond to her.

She unnaturally chirps, "Okay girls, I'll get back to my baking." before leaving us in the main corridor.

Through my peripheral vision, I see her shaking her head and her widened eyes that do not seem to be on the verge of blinking.

My eyes are so wide that I think my eyeballs may even roll out of their sockets. Eliza, on the stairs, is dressed like she's about to sneak into some sort of nightclub. A plunging v-neck black bodysuit sits over what I believe is (a very effective) push up bra, and is paired with skin-tight skinny jeans. She holds a pair of black heeled boots, dangling from her fingers.

My initial thought is, where can I get a good push-up bra like that, to help with my A-cup ladies?

Seriously though, can't this girl wear a Jersey to a hockey game like everyone else?

Her outfit concerns me mostly because:

Exhibit A: It's December and it's hella cold outside, therefore this chick is asking for frostbite.

Exhibit B: She's going out with my boyfriend and tried to dress as seductively as possible.

If those aren't red flags, I don't know what is.

The door bell rings and Eliza immediately pipes up, "I'll get it!"

I don't say anything more as I've had enough shock to give me a great heart attack at this point. Quickly, I put two fingers on my wrist, checking my pulse to make sure I'm still alive.

Yup, still here. Unfortunately.

She opens the door and James is there, dressed in possibly million layers, considering it's literally negative 40 degrees outside. At least someone knows how to dress, I think to myself.

"Hi James!" she basically shrieks. She might as well put a sign saying "BOYFRIEND STEALER" on her back. She's not even trying to be slick!

"Hey." he waves awkwardly, before looking at me. I just shrug.

"I'm just about ready, I just have to grab my sweater." she says, then proceeds to rush upstairs.

I know that I'm getting jealous again, and I also know that James literally told me that I have nothing to worry about...a few days ago. However, it is not a few days ago anymore. Maybe I'm not actually jealous anymore, I'm angry. Eliza's stepping into my territory now, and I can't play the role of the little angel anymore.

If she wants to play with fire, she better be ready for a whirlwind of hell.

If I wasn't clear enough, I am the whirlwind of hell. Maybe that was a bit confusing, you see I'm not really used to this kind of stuff, I usually am just an observer in relationship drama. Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a bit but...I'm just going to stop babbling and get to my whirlwind of hell stuff.