when i'm gone

whats happening

mommy rinsed all of us off in the tub, scrubbing the sand out of our unkept hair, massaging our scalps until the point i swear i saw cc fall asleep sitting up. mommy started draining the bathtub and we all stood up, shivering and waiting for her to wrap us in towels. she wrapped cc in a light blue towel then picked him up from out of the tub and set him down on the mat on the floor. afterward he ran out of the bathroom, giggling, into our room. mommy wrapped me and twyla in pinks towels then made us hobble to our rooms.

when twyla and i entered the room, cc had on his underwear and was pulling out an outfit for himself. mommy walked in behind us and shook her head, "no, no, you aren't wearing that." cc had already begun to pull up a pair of trunks. "we all have to wear something nice to show grandma and grandpa how polite we are." i sighed, only wanting to wear a tank top and a pair of shorts rather than the dress mommy had already begun to pull out of the closet. "what if we decide to go swimming? can we bring a bathing suit?" i asked mommy hopefully. "grandma and grandpa don't live near the beach, love," mommy was stacking a small pile of clothes for me to last our stay. "aww..." twyla groaned. "but... they do have a pool. so yes, bring one bathing suit, but i wouldn't plan on swimming much. we want to talk with grandpa and grandma rather than swim. we can swim any other day." cc and i looked at each other unsure of what we were getting into.

mommy put me and twyla in matching floral dresses that were white and had blue flowers. she buttoned up cc in a clean white shirt and a nice pair of tan shorts. mommy pulled out our suitcases while the three of us chose three pairs of shoes to take. mommy placed our clothes in each suitcase, our shoes as well, and zipped them up. she exhaled once she did, settling herself down on the bed for a second. momentarily she looked vulnerable and weary, as if she could hardly do anymore. mommy never focused on herself, everything revolved around us. she never had dad to help. "thank you," i smiled at her from across the room. "thanks so much!" twyla exclaimed. "i'm excited," added cc. mommy placed a smile back on her face and smoothed down the top of her hair quickly, and she looked like mommy again. "thank you loves, that means a lot. they're ecstatic to see their favorite triplets."

mommy braided me and twyla's hair and attempted to gel down cc's, but instead sprayed it with something that made his neat curls stay in place. "now that we are ready to go, let's get into the car," mommy grabbed a few juice boxes from the refrigerator and rolled out the suitcase from her bedroom. i grabbed my suitcase from our room and i glanced at my small white bed. even though we hadn't left yet, i was homesick already. my stomach bubbled again and i clutched twyla's hand for comfort. she held mine back just as strong. "i wish dad was coming," twyla looked at me a bit disappointed. i could tell she waited for mommy to be out of earshot. "no you don't..." i shook my head and swallowed hard. if dad came there would be screaming and sleepless nights and bottles crashing on the floor. and a scared mommy. twyla played with one of her braids as she would twirl one of her bangs with her hair down as habit. cc left the room with his suitcase and the two of us followed shortly behind, not feeling very excited about getting in the car.

mommy made sure we all were buckled up and settled in. "you guys didn't forget anything, did you?" we all shook our heads. "ok. let's get this show on the road!" she started the car and we pulled out
of our gravel driveway. i looked out the window since i sat on the left side. i felt some sort of hollowness and still couldn't put a finger on what the churning in my stomach was. "willow celeste? hello?" mommy turned her head to look at me. "huh?" i guess she had asked me something. "what movie do you want to watch?" i glanced upward at the ceiling of the car to see the tiny movie screen lower down. i shrugged, "they can pick." mommy shook her head, "they each chose the last two times, hon, it's your turn." i bit back my tongue before i could scream that i didn't care about anything but being alone. "i guess, uhm..." my voice started to quiver. i guess i might have started to miss dad, but he was so mean. the best moments with him were what made me upset. the time he would put me on his shoulders to watch a parade or to see the surfers way out from the cliff above our house. when he held my hand as we walked through the mall. the little moments. all the other moments were horrible. especially the night when... he was furious at me. for no reason. his breath smelled sour as he screamed in my face. my cheek burnt when his hand moved away from it.

i looked out the window farther before anyone could see my watery eyes. "the lion king works," i cleared my throat. mommy put in the disk and the movie begun. i didn't feel like watching. i put my knees up to my chest, my dress crunching underneath them. i played with my fingers and bit my lip, trying to control my breathing. it's ok will. it's ok will. think of yourself on earth and sitting and with your best friends. i settled my feet on the ground again and i looked over at cc. "how far are grandma and grandpa?" "about two and a half hours." cc gasped, "that's so long!" twyla rolled her bright blue eyes. i giggled a little. maybe this trip won't be so bad since i have them.