when i'm gone

you need a break

we got off the tour bus and billie was totally freaking out. she was talking frantically to patrick once we got inside, her cheeks red and sweat running down her forehead. "maggie, please tell me why she does this?" i begged her. maggie looked uncertain. "you know how badly she gets her nightmares?" i nodded. "well, recently she's been having dreams where she gets shot at one of her concerts. with you there. she didn't want to scare you at all, so she hasn't told you any of it. what scares her the most is that some of her dreams come true." i swallowed hard. just dreams. just coincidences. it's ok. billie is just nervous! "oh, i see..." i nodded slowly. "don't stress on it babe, billie always has bad dreams. it's a part of her now."

a part of her now. that's so sad... billie having to live with those terrors and fears of her nightmares coming true and ruining everything. she had talked to me a few times about how she thought i was going to disappear one day for good and hate her. i told her that wasn't ever going to come true. maggie told me afterwards that she dreams about scary things happening to the things she loves the most. me, being one of them now that i thought about it. patrick has managed to calm her down, and finneas was downing an advil because he claims his head hurts. no ones doing ok right now. i would just want to run away from all of this, if i were them.

i walked over to billie who was preparing for a meet and greet. "doing better?" i asked carefully. she turned to me, now looking awfully pale and her eyes looked almost medicated. "yes, thanks. i got scared i left something important at home." liar. liar. i didn't want to press her much more on it, so i made a joke. "like your virginity?" i snickered. billie punched me in the shoulder. "you fucking hoe." i smiled and watched her through the mirror. "you're gonna kill it again tonight! just don't get so emotional over me or you know i'm gonna break down," i reminded her. "no promises!" billie finished tying up one of her buns.

the concert went on. she did stupendous. so did finneas and andrew. billie did the entire speech from last night again for i love you and we both ended up in tears again. what a surprise. but at bury a friend, billie had a hard time catching her breath and looked as if she were shaking a lot. she continued to drink a lot of water and let the crowd sing more than her. i'm not sure if the fans could notice, but i sure could. billie came off the stage, looking thankful she was alive. i guess i was, too. what if it was true? i hugged my sweaty baby and kissed her ear. "beautiful work, my love!" i giggled to her. she gave me an exhausted, but meaningful smile. her eyelids drooped and her limbs looked like they weighed a million pounds.

"let's get you home and then we can snuggle and watch a movie if you feel like it!" i started to put my things together in my little bag. i looked over at billie and she was on the floor. i gasped and tried to race over to her, but maggie and finneas were already there, patrick, too. she held her head as she was sitting, looking miserable. "what's wrong?" maggie held the back of her hand to billie's cheek. "i just got lightheaded." "you're burning. let's get you home right away and get some soup into those bones and a good night sleep." patrick piggybacked billie all the way to the tour bus and set her down. she seemed so weak and vulnerable. i didn't know what i could do to help.

patrick carried billie back inside and laid her down on her bed. "i'll get her tucked in." i promised them. maggie told me she would make me a salad and both of us some homemade veggie soup. sounded awesome. i undressed billie who hardly was able to help me. "you work yourself too hard billie baby," i shook my head. she smiled at me as i put a tank top on her. i made sure she was wearing pajama pants to keep her warm. maggie took her temperature and it was nearly 100. the lights to billie's room were dim, but i didn't mind. i had seen so many flashing lights tonight, i wasn't complaining. billie was in bed, trying not to fall asleep. "it's ok if you go to sleep, bils..." i told her. "you don't have to eat anything if you don't want to."

"i don't want to sleep," she said as if sleep were a cursed thing. "ok, ok... don't be afraid to go to sleep, though. i'll just end up eating some of that yummy soup. you can have some in the morning." billie didn't seem concerned about her food. it was the nightmares, wasn't it? that was bugging her so much? i decided i wouldn't bring it up. it was still a fresh scab on billie and i didn't want to pick it off and watch it bleed. maggie brought in the delicious smelling soup and my salad. "sleep soon, girls. one more concert tomorrow night and you've got a few days off before we go to new york..." maggie was also tired. she had big gray bags under her eyes and her hair looked unbrushed. i noticed she had worn the same outfit a few times, probably not having time to do laundry. "eat all of that soup, william. you need it."

billie actually listened to maggie for once. she dug into the soup and was done with it within minutes. maggie had shut the door and i finished my salad after billie had set her head down on her pillow. i turned off the lights and crawled into the fresh, cold sheets next to billie. she was facing the wall, her back against me, but her breathing was slow and steady. she was asleep already. i wonder what had gotten into her today. i kissed her shoulder, hoping to scare away all the bad dreams that were coming her way. i rested my head against the pillow, feeling my bun move up slightly. i wiggled my toes into a comfortable position and sighed as i finally relaxed.