when i'm gone

time to spill

a few days has passed and i was crouched over the toilet, puking what i had for breakfast. i held my hair back and groaned. i knew what this was. i threw on an outfit and tied my sneakers. i tried to escape my house without anyone noticing, but twyla saw me from the kitchen table and stood up. "hey, where ya going?" she stretched her arms as she stood up. "i was just going to cvs to grab something..." i murmured, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "can i come with? i need to grab some shampoo and conditioner." twyla was already walking toward me like i said yes. fuck. "ya."

we hopped in my car and i drove toward the drug store. twyla was rambling on about something i wasn't paying attention to. we pulled up and i unbuckled as fast as i could. twyla followed after me through the sliding doors. we split up into our aisles and i prayed no one would see me do this. i looked at the pregnancy tests anxiously, not sure what to choose or which one would be better than the other or if one was more expensive. i pulled one test off the shelf then two more that were more expensive. as i was shoving them in the pockets of my jean jacket, i saw twyla from the end of the aisle glaring at me, but sadly. my stomach twisted up, and i knew this knott wouldn't untangle for a long time.

i had ruined everything. everyone was going to know. i'm pregnant. with finneas's baby. i cheated on billie and i'm 17 and i'm not ready to have a baby. twyla walked toward me slowly, wobbly, as if she were about to pass out. tears made my eyes glossy. she had tears in her eyes, too. we looked the same, for a second. weary and tired and guilty and scared. "willow celeste..." i knew what she was going to ask. i just nodded and fell into her shoulder. i sobbed harder and harder with each shaky inhale. she cried into my shoulder, too. "yes, yes, i'm pregnant, i have to be." twyla pulled away and shook her head. "i'm- lets get you home and talk about this in your room."

we checked out awkwardly from the counter, the man giving us a strange look. once we got home, i went straight to the bathroom. i used each pregnancy test and they all came out with the same and only answer. "positive." twyla shut her eyes and leaned back into the wall. "i'm so stupid," i collapsed onto the fluffy carpet in my room. i held my knees close to me and sniffled as snot ran over my lips. "we will figure this out. i thought you were smarter, willow! who's the guy anyway? do i know him?" i nodded slowly and looked up at her with puffy red eyes. "who then?" i didn't even know if i could say his name. "it's... finneas." twyla's mouth fell open. "finneas? billie and finneas, finneas?" i yelled, "yes, ok? the finneas nextdoor." my voice cracked, heartbroken. billie and finneas, finneas. billie...

"you need to tell him," twyla said immediately after i calmed down. "how can i? he's 21 and i'm 17 and he doesn't want a baby with me! do i even want this baby?" twyla held up her hands. "woah, woah. are you considering not keeping it?" "our modeling will be ruined, mine will. finneas will never be able to tour again and i won't be able to do what i want or hang out with anyone and billie... my baby billie." twyla coughed, "your baby billie?" i shuddered. "what do you mean by that, willow?" i could tell i was making things grow worse. anger edged twyla's voice. "i mean i've been hooking up with billie since we were, like, 12!" twyla just gasped and held a hand over her mouth.

"you're kidding..." "no i'm not! we literally make out and basically fuck every night." twyla grimaced, "you're insane." i sniffled. i felt somewhat less guilty, though. some relief had washed over me that that burden had loosened up a bit. "i get if you hate me..." i muttered pitifully. "i don't hate you, idiot. you're my triplet. no matter what, we stick together through everything and i'm gonna protect you from anything bad that happens. ok?" twyla got off the bed and crouched down in the floor, swallowing me in a hug. i smiled, resting my head in her neck. i saw my phone ringing; finneas. i hadn't spoken to any of their family since that night. twyla let me go and nodded to me, "be brave. tell him to come over. i'll let you guys be for a little while, but if he makes one bad move, i'll be waiting outside your door." i exhaled. i had to do this. i picked up the phone. "hello...?"