when i'm gone

at least she isnt lying

after the concert, billie didn't talk much. it had ended so well, everyone was happy. she was quiet, though. she kept to herself and when i tried to
make a joke she just smiled and looked back down. i asked maggie what was wrong. "sometimes she needs her space after concerts. give it some time." i nodded.

we headed back to the hotel and billie and i settled in our room. "you did amazing," i commented genuinely. billie slouched on the bed and rubbed her forehead. "what's wrong? there's something that isn't ok." i sat down beside her. "i don't know..." billie croaked. it was one of these times. a while ago, billie would be sad for no reason, which bothered her a lot and me. i never knew how to help her. she dealt with a lot because of her dance injury, and when i tried to tell her she was still an awesome dancer, she would yell at me and tell me to go home. when i figured it was her tourette's getting her down, i figured she would wanna go for a walk, but said she didn't feel like it.

"it's ok to not know, you know. sometimes being sad is good. to get out all of those bad feelings. be as sad as you want because i'm right here and i'm right here always for when you need a snuggle or a little kiss or a shoulder to cry on," i kissed her cheek. "why don't you shower tomorrow morning so we can get to bed now and sleep good. you've got another great show tomorrow!" billie shuddered when i said the word "sleep".

"ok, i guess," billie shouldered me off her and went into the bathroom to change. i sat helplessly on the bed. i went into the bathroom to brush my teeth and billie was standing naked, staring at her arms, her wrists. "billie?" i was frozen. a little scared. "what's going on? are you ok?" billie scoffed, "they're gone." "who's gone?" "my scars." "scars from what?" "from... when i cut." my stomach sunk and clenched tight as if it had hit the bottom of the ocean. "you cut?" billie crossed her arms over her boobs and blinked her eyelids quickly. i didn't know whether to be angry she didn't tell me about this or ask me to help when she was doing so, but what would being angry do?

"your demons are gone then," i took one of her hands. she looked up at me as she if she wanted me to say more. "no more bad things to haunt you." billie nodded, "you're right." i smiled a strange smile. "you're all good now, baby. you're a new person." billie slammed me into the tile wall and locked lips with mine. i was taken a back momentarily. well there goes that precious moment. she stripped me down to nothing and threw me onto the bed, wrapping herself around me and over me. that night we made each other feel good. she insisted we sleep like this. i cradled her soft body over mine and felt her breathing on my neck. it tickled.