when i'm gone

im only 13

time skipppp srrrrytyyy
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5 years later and i was straddled on top of billie on her bed that was sheltered by the louis vuitton drapes, making out. it had to be 9 am. i had slept over as usual. this was basically my home. i stopped attaching my mouth to hers momentarily and breathed heavily. "you good?" she asked me carefully. "ya, this is just so fun." we were 13... it had been somewhat like this for the past 4 years. we started getting more and more intimate the more time we spent together. i hopped off her and glanced out her bedroom window. "it's so early," i put my long brown hair in a messy bun. "the view is awesome," she winked at me then grabbed my waist and pulled me close.

she pulled up my tank top and revealed my bra that i wore everyday. it wasn't very appealing. i grinned and pulled it back down. "what are you doing silly?" i laughed and wrapped my arms behind her neck. "admiring you!" billie tucked her hair behind her ear. we heard footsteps and the doorknob creak. we had practiced this a million times. we flopped away from each other and slammed our heads on our pillows, dragged the covers over, and slowed our breathing. maggie peaked in and the shut the door. the smell of bread and bacon wafted in. we sat up and calmed ourselves. "it's scary every time," i shook my head. billie didn't seem bothered. "hey, shouldn't we think of telling our parents soon?" i decided to ask. we had kept this up long enough to know. the adults were completely oblivious. so was finneas. "why should we? we aren't super serious. we're only a thing." i hated when she said that. "ya... right." i blinked a few times, feeling completely helpless.

it didn't feel like just a thing to me. i looked at billie hoping she would see that in my eyes, but she was on her phone checking her notifications. "i gotta get ready for dance," her eyes widened when she looked at the time. she jolted out of bed and stripped down. i was in awe of her perfect smooth skin and mid length white hair that she had dyed not too long ago. she put on her leggings and black tank top then a hoodie that said her dance company's logo. i heard a crash of lightning from outside and i watched as rain showered down outside the window. i exhaled. "good choice in wearing a hoodie." it was sometime around october, the leaves were red and orange and brown and rained down just like it did now. billie turned and faced me with rosy morning cheeks. "wish i didn't have to go." i shrugged. "it'll be fine. you'll be back soon." i honestly wasn't feeling in the mood to flirt. when she came back, i would be right back over and we would be in bed again or up in the tree house making out for hours.

she packed her shoes into her bag and walked out the door. "bye to you, too." i rolled my eyes. i heard her car roll away in the rain. i can't blame her. she's so serious about dance and a new song she wrote had just gone viral. she had a lot on her mind. i went on my phone and started playing ocean eyes on soundcloud. it was beautiful and peaceful. i got out of bed and only had a black thong on and a white tank. yawned and rubbed my eyes. i stepped under the heater from the ceiling and shivered. my toes froze and my ears burnt. i decided to steal one of billie's hoodies. i couldn't decide which one so i took another one of her dance hoodies. i dropped down and crouched on my tippy toes, bouncing a little as i looked for my glasses on the ground. i heard the door open and i turned my head quickly to see finneas walking in.

"holy shit!" i jumped up and tried to find something to hide my uncovered body. he gasped and stumbled backward to find some sort of shelter to shield his eyes. "i'm so sorry!" he held his hands up to his eyes. i grabbed the hoodie and held it over my legs. he uncovered his eyes and scratched his head awkwardly. "i didn't realize you were still here," he laughed. finneas was almost like a brother to me so i didnt care if he saw too much. but still. "ya, well, i am. what do you need?" i groaned. "just a guitar pick." "that's all?! at 9:30 in the morning you need a guitar pick?" finneas winked, "sure do." i rolled my eyes. he's so annoying. "is that all you wear when you spend the night with bil?" finneas searched in her dresser drawers. "is all what i wear?" he shrugged and finally pulled out a shiny white pick. "underwear and a skimpy top?" he stared at my eyes intensely, as if he were trying to avoid looking down.

"maybe. so what?" i crossed my arms to hide my chest. i accidentally moved the sweatshirt and he looked down at my bare legs. "fuck, just get out, finneas!" i threw the hoodie at him and he slipped out of the room. i was quite embarrassed. i looked down at my legs and exhaled. i wanted to go home. i just wanted to be with billie. but when i saw finneas's precious face and felt a knott in my stomach, the same one from years ago that had never fully been untied. something was still definitely missing. i packed my things, said goodbye, and walked right next door. when i walked in, i saw mommy sipping coffee, cc tying his soccer cleats, and twyla eating cereal while watching tv. i waved hello.

mommy looked up and set down her mug. "hi baby, how'd you sleep?" i held my breath momentarily, "good!" i smiled somewhat forcefully. i tucked my hair behind my ears. i walked to me and twyla's room, set down my bag, and slumped into bed. it was still raining and billie's sweatshirt was wet from when i walked back. twyla came in and sat down in bed with me. "it's such a nice cozy day. you should tell billie to grab us some pumpkin spice lattes when she comes back." i closed my eyelids and rolled my eyes behind them. "she'll be too tired." twyla looked at me strangely. "why are you wearing her sweatshirt?" "cus i'm cold." "you have your own." "i like this one better." twyla pushed my phone down. "you are literally obsessed with billie. she's weird, dude, what do you even like about her?"

i shut off my phone and threw it hard onto the bed. "she isn't weird." my temper was being pushed this morning. "she's my best friend," i spat. "but all you do is talk about her and stay at her house. i hardly see you anymore," twyla tried to keep her voice soft. "because she's so different from you guys! she knows me better than any of you would care to. i'm learning music there, too. it's not like we're just making o-" i paused. twyla glared at me. "willow. what are you not telling me?" i swallowed hard. is there any way out of this? "nothing. we are just inseparable. that's
all. she's different than all of you and will always accept me for anyone so stop pestering me about it!" i stormed out of the room, fuming. "will!" twyla called after me.

cc tried to grab my elbow as i walked through the kitchen and i flung him off me. "will-" "no!" i shouted. "willow." mommy called out and stood up from her chair. i walked out the door and slammed it behind me. i walked out into the pouring rain, tears staining my cheeks. i crossed my arms and pulled billie's sweatshirt close to me. it smelled like her. maybe i was obsessed. i walked down the road, stepping in puddles and getting my gray sweats soaked. my uggs were drenched and i was shivering. i walked no where, really. i was running away from the truth i had almost said aloud at home. if i let it out, it would never stop coming out. i would say everything about our secret.