when i'm gone

now you know

finneas's voice was concerned through my phone. "we haven't heard from you in a while, will. what's going on? everything ok?" i pursed my lips together and held back a sob. "no. nothing's ok. everything's falling apart and i'm depressed and i need to tell you something. you have to come over..." i begged, "please...". finneas was silent through the phone. i bet he wasn't expecting that answer. "i'll be right over!" he hung up and moments later the doorbell rung. i answered the door, my face red and tear stained. my lips were swollen and covered in dry spit. my hair was matted and i stared at him desperately. finneas walked up and hugged me without a word.

after a long hug, he pulled back and stared at me. "what's wrong?" i led him to my room and shut the door. i could see twyla's feet through the crack under the door. i felt better knowing she was right there. what if he was upset? what if he got angry? "finneas, sit down." he sat down on my bed and clamped his hands together. he looked at me cluelessly. "do you know what this is going to be about?" i asked him, my voice strained. "no..." i inhaled shakily. my chest hurt. it was full of unshed tears. "finneas... i'm- i- i'm... i'm pregnant." finneas held the same expression, but his chest stopped moving. it was as if he were a statue. he wasn't breathing or flinching. it's like i pressed pause.

"finneas?" i crossed my arms and comforted myself as i cried quietly. "you're pregnant? with my baby?" i nodded hesitantly. "that's... i'm- wow." finneas lowered his head and sighed somewhat painfully. "are you angry with me? i'm so sorry, i wasn't thinking that night and i feel horrible. i'm sorry." finneas stood up and hugged me again. "you know what? it's ok. it's fate. we will figure this out. everything works out in the end." i thought maybe what he said was true, but... "finneas, you don't understand. i cheated with you." "what do you mean?" "i've been a thing with billie. for years. i- it's not your fault. all of this is mine. i got carried away." finneas pulled away stiffly.

"sheesh, will, why'd you get yourself into this chaos?" finneas dragged his fingers through his red hair. "i don't know. i- i love billie so much. but what are we now? we're parents and i like you a lot and you're so much older. we did something illegal! you're going on tour for so long, by the time you get back the baby will be close to being born, unless i have an abortion." finneas stroked his chin, "you're thinking about not keeping it?" i nodded once more. "it's your choice, but i think our baby would be... fun to have, but a lot of work. we would have a lot to figure out. we aren't even dating." i took in every word. "i just needed to tell you." "i'm glad you did. why don't you give it a day or two to think about what you want. about you and billie. if you and billie ever decide to... break up... i'm here."

finneas touched my shoulder gentle and rubbed his thumb on my arm. i laughed and cried at the same time. "thanks for understanding so much." "i'll be here whenever you need it. i'm your servant now. if you need some chinese food, i'm the man to call." i smiled genuinely. it'll be ok. it'll be ok. you're 17. you can figure this out.

i went over to billies house that night. we were laying in bed staring at each other, naked. "you're thinking about something," billie touched my cheek. "no. i'm ok." "what's on your mind?" "you're just so pretty," i chuckled. billie blushed so hard i could see through her red led lights. "i love you," billie pecked me on the lips. she had never said that to me before. fuck. i pulled billie close and our chests were touching, our breasts. "i love you more." i placed my leg over hers and lip locked to her. i made sure she didn't have a chance to pull away, holding her cheek tight and tangled our tongues together. billie intertwined her fingers in my hair and pulled it back. we moved closer and closer until she was nearly on top of me. the same thing nearly every night was on replay. i turned out the lights and moved my hand between her legs.