when i'm gone

we are a mess

we got in late to the hotel room after escaping through the crowds at the airport again, taking pictures with their fans, and i guess me too now, going out to dinner and also taking picture with fans, and getting to the hotel, again, with fans. by the time we got to the room, billie and i had our own, i ran to the bathroom, locked the door, and sobbed into my palms. i hated all of this attention. it felt like i didn't have my family to myself anymore. billie kept knocking and insisting i open the door for her, but i just ignored her and continued crying into my soaking sleeve. after about 15 minutes, my lips were swollen and my eyes puffy. my throat stung and my ears were almost plugged. i could see billie underneath the door crack sitting outside and waiting for me. waiting to help me. waiting for something. she was helpless right now.

billie didn't ask for this. she would never want to make me feel this way either, and i realized it wasn't fair for me to make her feel guilty about her fame. i knew if she had to choose between me and the fans, she would choose me, but i would make her to choose those girls and boys out there who looked up to her so much. i stood up and unlocked the door then sat back down on the toilet seat. i could hear billie jump up. she started to twist the knob on the door when she hesitated. my hair was a mess and i smelled horrible. how could she want to see my right now.

she opened the door and came running to my side. she crouched down and i could hear her tired ankles and knees pop. "baby, tell me what's going on? i'm sorry, what's happening? i don't know..." she moved my hands away from my face and held my moist cheeks. "i- i just- i'm so proud of you, but i miss just us! being places- places with you and just us..." i could hardly say it without breaking down again. i knew i wasn't entirely sad about not having alone time with billie. a small percentage of it was that i was carrying a baby and the biggest secret ever that i couldn't tell my girlfriend. billie teared up and i could see from the strained muscles in her neck she was trying so hard not to. "i know. i know. we are alone now. they will not get to us. it's you and me against what everyone says or shares. i have you and that's all that matters.!" id never actually seen billie shed a full on tear before.

a tear escaped out of billie's left eye. she shook her head. "look at us. we are a mess. and i have a concert in 3 hours. why don't we freshen up for an hour and then head to the venue, ok? just you and me." billie lifted the sweatshirt that was her's off of me and set it down on the floor. she unhooked my bra and started a hot shower. she undressed herself and held my hand as i took off my pants and underwear. we stepped into the shower together and i didn't feel any urge to do anything with her. not like we had time, but i didn't want to. i could tell she didn't want to either. we sunk into each other's arms and stood in the steaming water, skin on skin, cheek to cheek, sighing into each other's shoulders.