when i'm gone

end of conversation

twyla came over that night to say goodnight. everything was going swell until she brought up something that made me uncomfortable. "i mean... maybe therapy would be good for you. you can talk to them about anything and not be embarrassed or judged," twyla looked at me with puppy eyes. i rolled my shoulders uncomfortably. she swallowed hard, "listen, i know it would be hard, but you need someone who's available to you all the time to listen. please, willow?" i just nodded and i didn't want to talk about it anymore. twyla left and i looked up best therapists around highland park. kathy's care came up and it was only 15 minutes away. she had five stars...

i woke up early that morning to my alarm that was billie' song "i love you". her new album had just recently come out and my baby now played at massive venues and arenas. i loved every picture she posted on instagram and saved every one. i sent her a small good morning text, leaning forward and yawned painfully. i felt absolutely gross. i had horrible dreams of billie dying and me never being with her ever again, and i sweat all night and thrashed around. i needed to set up my new bed, the blow up wasn't working anymore. i crawled out and stripped off my big t and underwear. i put on a sweater and jean shorts. the weather was gradually growing colder now that it was september. i straightened my hair and tried to do my make up while i was half asleep.

i started the car and headed for the doctors office. once i arrived, i told them that i was expecting and they were so supportive. they checked my overall health and gave me guidelines on how to keep the baby healthy; no drinking, smoking, careful when driving, etc. i thanked them, left, and looked at the time. it was 9:00 am. i had gotten to the doctor as early as i could to have a good start to my day. the therapist didn't open until 11, so i had time to spare. it was almost monday, which meant i had cycling to look forward to. i went to a pressed juicery and got a nice green shake. i continuously waited for billie to text me. i felt like crying sometimes when i looked through our text messages to see she hadn't responded in 12 or so hours. i sat at a little table outside of the juicery and i looked up to see a woman walking toward me holding a baby.

my blue eyes hardened and my button nose scrunched up. it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. it was mom. she was holding elliot in her arms and she stopped at my table. i hissed at her, "what do you want? my money?" mom squinted, "i'm not here to fight." "then what do you want?" "for you to come home." i scoffed, "you're out of your mind if you think i'm going back after what you said." tears were in her eyes. i didn't care. "don't fucking cry. go home and throw yourself a pity party by yourself." she wiped her cheeks. "elliot is just going to grow up without me, which when he asks about me, you're going to tell him i chased her out of the house when she was barely 16 anymore because she made a stupid mistake and i was too worried about money to actually remember that she's an actual human being."

mom bounced ej on her lap and was crying softly, "i realized what i did was wrong... i just miss my baby at home." i didn't want to hear much more of this, or i would break under her pressure. "mom, your baby bought her own house and furniture and got jobs to support herself and your baby, she is expecting and is going to therapy and the doctor alone because of you. this is all your fault." mom was sniffling. "i'll come home when you realize you ruined our relationship and that i won't ever forgive you and that you could have handled all of this differently." my voice had cracked at the end. i pounded my fist on the table, causing my drink to tip over and splash over the cement. "i'm 17 and i was kicked out because i didn't behave for 2 seconds! and you said you couldn't afford me. fuck you." i got up and left them there.