when i'm gone

its going to be ok

it had been a long day at disneyland. i woke up in mommy's car with a pair of minnie mouse ears on and a new outfit because i had gone on splash mountain and gotten completely soaked. i regretted sitting in the front seat. mommy had carried me from out of a stroller i ended up sitting in because my feet hurt so bad. beside of me were sleeping twyla and cc. i automatically remembered billie and finneas and their parents. i wanted to see them again. badly. i wiped the drool from the corner of my mouth that ran down my chin. every muscle in my body ached. i looked out the window and saw us pulling into grandpa and grandma's driveway. i had really slept a while. i don't even remember leaving disneyland.

it was really late. we had stayed to watch the fireworks, which were truly magical. i hadn't ever seen anything so beautiful. besides finneas... i yawned and rubbed my eyes as mommy unbuckled us and carried twyla and cc inside. i walked in by myself and showered while mommy undressed the other two. it was nice having some time to myself, actually. i hadn't really ever showered alone that i remember. i didn't fight over the bar of soap either. i dried myself off with the luxurious towels that we had and walked out into the room. mommy was making my bed nicely and pulled out my pajamas for me. "enjoy your shower, baby?" i nodded and pursed my lips together.

i put on my pajamas and threw my sweaty, dirty clothes of the day in the corner of the room. mommy brushed my hair before i got into bed. the entire time i thought about billie. i yearned for her hand in mine. i yearned to see finneas's smile. "what's on your mind?" mommy set down the brush and tucked me in. i glanced over at my siblings who were dead asleep then back to mommy. "nothing." she didn't look convinced. "well, sleep good ok? you've had a very fun and long day. time to sleep in." i nodded and she kissed my cheek. "love you," i mumbled between a smile. "love you more." she replied then walked to the exit of our room, switched off the lights, and shut the door.

i tried falling asleep, but it seemed so hard. i guess i had slept all my exhaustion off in the car. i tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable spot, but couldn't. i kept replaying seeing finneas for the first time and billie hugging me tight with safe arms, smelling of vanilla and graham crackers. i bit my lip, again feeling an urge to cry. the knott in my stomach clenched, growing as more of my anxiety was drawn to it like a magnet. i got out of bed and slipped out the bedroom door. i found my way through the dark and into mommy's room. i cracked open the door and stood there momentarily listening. a single lamp was on and i saw mommy in her elegant nightgown sobbing into her hands. i glanced at the clock on the nightstand; 2:37 am.

i felt horrible. why was mommy crying? i leaned against the door more until it accidentally creaked. mommy looked up and caught me before i could try and slip away. "willow celeste..." she whispered through a stuffy nose. i creeped back in slowly and walked up to her, afraid. "why are you crying?" i asked her carefully. "mommy's just tired and worried about dad, hon," she tried to reassure. i was tired of the lying. i wanted to know the truth. "stop acting, mom. dad's an alcoholic and you want to leave him, but you're scared he won't let you and you don't want to make us upset," i nearly yelled, tears clouding my eyes and wetting my red, furious cheeks. mommy stared at me in shock. it was as if i took all the words out of her mouth.

"mom, he's a bad man. he hits you. he's hit us. i mean, cc has scars on his back from when dad threw the broken bottle at him. and he hit me. be an adult and just end it!" i slammed my hand on the bed, crying as hard as i had when dad left me on the floor, my cheek had burnt and stung, i continued reimagining his hand slapping it perfectly. "please..." i whispered. mommy pulled me close and i cried into her silky gown. she held my head close and i found it hard to catch my breath. the knott in my stomach slowly unraveled. "i just wanna see billie again and i wanna go to disneyland more and i want to be with grandma and grandpa, i wanna surf, i wanna have a better house, i want a better dad!"

an hour had passed and i had finally stopped crying. there was nothing left to come out of me. we laid on mommy's bed, i was tucked under one of her arms. we had been silent the entire time. we stared at the ceiling. my eyes were puffy and my lips were swollen. i could hardly talk without snot running out of my nose. i shook so bad i couldnt speak. mommy made me go under the sheets with her and told me i could spend the night with her tonight. i hadn't slept with mommy in a very long time. i always kept my nightmares to myself. i closed my eyes and tried to find some way to sleep. a wave of exhaustion hit me after about 20 minutes mommy had turned off the light. i shut my eyes for the first time that night and drifted off into a heavy sleep.