when i'm gone

forgive and forget

i had been walking for what felt like ages. my feet were heavy. my heart was heavy. my everything was heavy and soaked with rain. i ended up walking into my favorite book store. i went straight to my favorite section, teen romance. i sat down in the aisle and pulled out a book, pulling the hood of the sweatshirt over my eyes more. i tucked my legs up to stomach and i started reading. reading was always my escape. things hadn't been super easy the past 5 years. i hadn't seen my dad at all within that time. it's hard to love someone you haven't seen in such a long time. or someone you really couldn't live with anymore. i know he would never be a part of my life anymore because i didn't want him to be so i'd make it happen. my mom hardly worked, cc, twyla and i were the ones who did. we modeled and were in commercials and shows in order to be paid. sometimes i felt like an item being tossed back and forth. like something that's being used until it's worn away and is useless.

i didn't even know what time it was. i finished the book and set it down. my eyes stung and ached and my head pounded. i looked up for the first time and stood up in order to walk out of the aisle. i peeked around the bookshelf to the front windows of the store and saw it was dark outside. black. i rubbed my eyes with two fingers. everyone was probably worried sick. maybe i was being dramatic, i should just go back home and act like it was nothing. maybe it was never something. maybe i made it a big deal because i wanted to act out and get the attention of love that i craved so badly. i settled on that. i made the decision to start heading home, but it was still raining. i walked out through the doors and headed on my way.

i had been walking for about 10 minutes and i was completely soaked. my hoodie had gotten so wet i felt it through the cotton. my sweats were so wet they started to be pulled down my waist. my uggs should be in the garbage by now. i had to stop walking, i was shivering so much. i wasn't too far from home, but in this weather, it was miles away. all that was in my mind was how i almost spoiled me and billie's secret. not like it would matter because it didn't seem like billie cared much for me anyway. not in the special way. i stopped under a canopy at a flower shop. i stood with my head hanging, thinking. i heard a car splash in front of me and i saw headlights beaming through the rain.

i squinted my eyes and saw a figure get out and walk toward me. i looked closer and it was finneas. his hair was messy and unkept. it looked like he had been searching for hours. "willow!" he ran up to me and embraced me with warm arms. the knott in my stomach tightened, but i had to admit, it was the first meaningful hug i had had in a while. i hugged him back and started to cry. "what's wrong?" he asked through billie's hoodie. i could only shrug and whisper, "i don't know..." he let me go and shook his head. "you're freezing." i sniffled and wiped my bright red nose. finneas grabbed my hand out of my pocket and led me to the car. he opened the door for me and made sure i was buckled in. he closed it walked to his side, walking quickly so he could get in. when he closed the door after him, he panted and looked at me. his hair was plastered to his cheeks, his entire face wet.

"you chose the worst day to run away," finneas grinned sweetly. i couldn't help but laugh. i reached my hand over and grabbed his, clasping my fingers in between his. i murmured, "i like it like this." he looked a little surprised, his eyebrows lifted. "is that ok?" i cleared my throat. "yes, of course. now, let's get you home." our hands rested in the middle of us. a few times he would tighten his grip then release. "is billie worried?" i said as i stared ahead at the flooded road. finneas looked at me confused, "yes, obviously. why wouldn't she be?" we stopped at a stop light and he waited for my answer. i shook my head and clenched my throat as hard as i could so i wouldn't let the tears start passing through, it hurt so bad. i fluttered my eyelids and continued looking forward, "no reason." i glanced sideways at him with my watery blue eyes and he didn't look convinced.

we finally pulled up to our houses. the rain had stopped finally, but i was still drenched. i released his hand and opened the car door. finneas followed after me and we headed up to my front door. i didn't even have to knock, cc ripped it open and hugged me passionately. "will, oh my god!" he let me go and let mommy take me in. mommy waved goodbye to finneas and shut the door. i didn't even say thank you. after mommy and cc had welcomed me back and made sure i was ok, i saw twyla standing in the hall way. she looked just as tired and hopeless as me. i walked up to her and hugged my triplet. i felt closer to being complete. "i'm sorry, ok?" twyla pressed closer to me and i could have sworn our hearts beat at the same pace. "i forgive you," i said. "thank you, willow!" she cried.

i started coughing hard and i could have sworn i felt a sneeze coming on. "geez, your hands are freezing." twyla glanced at mommy who was already walking over. "best you get in a hot bath. come on now. i'll start it for you and bring you some hot chocolate while you're relaxing. does that sound good?" i replied with a satisfied nod. mommy started the steaming bath and poured in some amazing smelling bath salts. she set my mug of hot chocolate down on the lid of the toilet so i could reach it when i desired to burn off my taste buds. everyone left me to my lonesome and i undressed and dropped my pile of soggy clothes on the tile floor. i sunk into the hot water and rested my head against the wall. i sighed and a few of my worries lifted off my shoulders. i glanced up at the small clock on the wall and it read 8:13 pm. the day had lasted forever.

i listened to the pitter patter of the rain on the road outside. i glanced out the window and saw billie staring at me from her bedroom window through the hole in our connected fence. i gasped and leaned up to see her more clearly. i could see her face go red when i was revealed from the water more visibly. i looked down and my boobs were clearly out. my breath caught in my throat and sunk down into the bathtub again, embarrassed and terrified. how long had she been watching me. i looked up again and she was climbing the fence. "billie!" i whispered out loud even though no one could hear me. she came up to my window, standing in the rain and shivering. she breathed onto the glass and wrote "let me in". it was hard to read since it was backwards for me, but i figured it out. i dragged the window opened and hid my body in front of the wall. "why should i let you in, i'm naked!" i hissed at her. she shooed me to the side and began stepping in through the window.

i stared in shock. "what on earth are you doing?" i tried hiding beneath the water, but everything was clearly still there. i crossed my arms and clasped my
legs together. billie walked over to the door and locked it then began undressing. has she gone insane? "billie?" i asked her, starting to worry. billie smirked at me and was bare naked. she stepped into the bath with me and sat. she just stared with her blue eyes. "i need to relax, too," she shrugged. i laughed. i had forgotten about how i felt earlier. "so you want to relax naked in my bath?" "of course! now stop hiding yourself." billie moved my arms and spread my legs apart. i blushed and tucked my wet hair behind my ear. "you're beautiful, there's nothing to hide." i rolled my eyes.

we were quiet. billie scooted closer to me and the water still steamed in front of us. she went under water then came up with her white hair slicked back. she scooted closer again. our eyes were an inch apart and we were both crisscrossed. billie leaned in and locked her lips to mine. our tongues intertwined and she put a hand on the back of my head, pulling me closer, nearly making me suffocate. i pulled back momentarily. my mouth was tired already. "how was that?" she pulled my bottom lip down with her thumb. suddenly, i felt a brilliant sensation in my legs. billie had pressed her thumb against my area. i widened my eyes and looked downward. i shuddered with pleasure as she went faster and faster and enclosed her mouth on mine, faster, and faster until i moaned and threw my head back, my back arched. what on earth were we doing?