when i'm gone

no going back

we walked out the front door and headed down the sidewalk. birds chirped and heat waves hit us hard. finneas walked with his hands in his pockets, his sunglasses down, his floral shirt popping with the sun. i could tell he hadn't done his now short hair. he had only recently cut it so short this year. i was used to his long, shaggy ginger locks. "hey, uhm..." he started the conversation in this way and my stomach dropped. i began to think he was going to say something about this morning. ", you and billie seem to be really, really close. like..." i could feel how uncomfortable he was saying it. play dumb, will, play dumb. "what do you mean? we're best friends." "i know that, but, are you guys at all more than friends?" my stomach dropped another level.

i couldn't find the words to speak. if i said one word, it felt like everything would spill out. i rubbed my eyebrow and coughed a little bit. i can't talk. i can't talk. i just shook my head and gave him a confused expression. "ok, i just wasn't sure. not that anything would be wrong with that- or that i would care." i decided to change the subject. i had to. the pressure was unbearable. "are we going to donut friend?" before he could respond and as i turned the corner, a girl was walking with a tight dress on and a purse, makeup on and a face lit up by her phone. "shit! that's my ex..." finneas paused and grabbed my elbow. "please pretend youre my girlfriend. she's obsessed with me. she has to see i've moved on." i stared in complete shock. "what do you m-" it was too late.

"finneas? oh my god!" she stopped in front of both of us and gasped dramatically. "hi baby! how've ya been?" she smirked and twirled a piece of her hair. "fine, actually," finneas replied dully. "who's this?" she smiled at me sweetly. i felt finneas's hand on my waist and he tugged my close to him. he smiled and gestured to me, "this is my girlfriend, willow." her smiled flipped around and so did her eyebrows. "girlfriend?" she managed to choke out. "hi," i looked shyly at her. "how old are you?" she cleared her throat rudely. finneas and i gave each other a quick panicked glance before i stuttered, "19. i'm 19." "wow. i was going to say you look young," she pursed her injected lips together. "ya. i'm really short." finneas tapped his foot then grabbed my chin and pulled my face upward. he pecked me on the lips. i shut my eyes even though they wanted to burst out of my head and slap him. play along. play along. the knott in my stomach formed.

i looked over to the girl, and she didn't looked convinced, so i pulled finneas close before he moved away too far and sunk my tongue into his mouth. we were making out. we were making out, finneas and i. i was 17 and he was 22. this wasn't ok. i had billie! it felt nice, though... finneas made out back and it was passionate. we let go of each other and waved goodbye. we left her standing in shock. i said in a low tone as we entered donut friend, "you dated that bitch? she's all plastic." "i know, i know it's bad. that was shelby. she's horrible. she will not leave me alone. no matter how many times i block her, she finds a way to me." i laughed. i felt bad for him, but he looked so silly and i can only imagine his frustration. what a situation to be in.

we ordered our doughnuts and sat down outside on a little metal table with metal stools that hurt my butt. we didn't talk much as he dug into our delicious pastries. i think an awkward thing started to happen. "so, that kiss, huh?" finneas finished chewing his bite. i set my doughnut down and fluttered my eyebrows. "ya, i wanted to make us look... real. was that bad? should i not have done that?" finneas looked scared. "no! i enjoyed it- i mean- i- it was fine, you know." i swallowed a fit of laughter and nodded in agreement. "what about you? did you enjoy it?" finneas wiped his mouth with a brown napkin. i was silent momentarily, wanting to create a sort of suspense. "yes, actually." i finished my doughnut and left the conversation at that.

i checked my phone and the clock read 12:30 pm. "what do you want to do now?" i asked the red haired boy. "why don't we just head back home and watch some movies?" that sounded like an awesome plan to me. anything to get out of this heat. "ok!" we walked along the sidewalk, but not saying a whole lot to each other. the silence wasn't awkward, it was comfortable, which is strange to say. it felt completely normal. we both knew what we could say, but decided not to and it was fine. finneas opened his front door for me and no one was home. "where's your parents?" "they went with billie to get the shoes because god knows she pays too much and buys everything." i snickered, "she's world famous and has a budget?" finneas grinned as a response. i took off my shoes and found a comfortable spot on the sofa.

finneas shut all the blinds so the living room was dark and movie theater like. he snuggled up on the sofa beside me and turned the tv on. we decided to watch five feet apart for some odd reason, but i loved that movie and he had never seen it. as the movie went on, i started to get sleepy. i leaned my head back and my eyes shut, heavy and unmoving. when i woke up finneas was asleep, too, but i was rested on his shoulder. the movie was long over and around the edges of the blinds, i could tell it wasn't very light out anymore. i stared at finneas for a long while, admiring his sharp nose and long brown eyelashes. his freckles that i made little shapes out of on his face. his eyelids fluttered open and his brilliant blue eyes met mine. we were not only five feet apart, but probably 2 inches away, face to face.

i swallowed hard. what's happening? he looked at my lips and i looked at his. finneas leaned in and met mine, a warm sensation creeping up my spine. i cupped a hand on his cheek and we made out longer, slower. things started to heat up and our tongues intertwined faster. i started to pant when he kissed
my neck gently. he picked me up and set me on his lap, which i straddled eagerly. i had both hands on his face and i kissed him passionately. i could feel his fingertips from my waist move up and lift my shirt off. i pulled his afterwards, me hardly able to keep my mouth from his. soon he was taking off my shorts and i only wore a bra and thong. i couldn't resist anymore. i was so turned on and he was so... irresistible. he unzipped his pants and pulled out his dick. finneas lifted me up and set me down on top of it, pressing hard against me.

i felt an even greater sensation than i ever had with anyone before. specifically billie. he rocked his hips up and down, up and down. i moaned and clutched the hairs on the back of his head. his hands were on my ass and i felt waves of pleasure pulse through me. i bit in his shoulder, trying not to be loud. i always had to be quiet with billie since everyone was always home. i was growing closer. his thrusts were getting stronger. i suddenly pictured billie's fingers between my legs and how fast she played with me. then i went back to finneas and how excellent this felt. i kept going back and forth, back and forth until i felt something hot inside me and i figure it was finneas who came first. i came next. i screamed and threw my head back. he continued moving quickly until we both relaxed on each other.

we were both out of breath. i hadn't really been thinking about this, had i? i lost control. so did finneas. we didn't use any protection and i'm not on anything. not in a million years did i think i would be having sex at 17. only with billie. i'm only 17. what if i got pregnant? what if billie found out? this was a mess, but what has just happened felt so good. the consequences would come later, i figured.