when i'm gone

its not true, tell me ive been lied to

i woke up, my head pounding. thank god. it was a dream. a horrible, horrible dream. i looked around, but found myself in an unfamiliar environment. i looked at one of my arms and saw an iv in it. no, no, no... this can't be. i looked at my elbow and it felt numb, and there was a purple cast wrapped around it. i felt something tight around my chest and i realized there were bandages under my hospital gown. billie. where is she? is she better? i looked around the room for someone, anyone. i saw a red haired boy with bloody clothes on sitting with head head against the wall. "finneas..." i whispered. he looked over at me. he looked completely different. it looked as if all the life had drained out of him and there was no meaning to anything anymore.

"finneas..." i whispered again, reaching out to him. he stared at me momentarily, his big swollen eyes not knowing what to do. he stood up and walked toward me slowly. he embraced my hand with his. i looked at him and a tear crept out of the corner of my eye and down to my ear as my head rested on the pillow. finneas's bottom lip quivered as he stared at me and then he took our hands up to his face and cried into them. "i'm so sorry, willow, i'm so sorry..." he croaked. "don't tell me it's true..." i managed to get out. finneas looked up at me and shook his head. "don't tell me it's true!" i hissed. "she's dead, willow," finneas clenched his teeth together, his jaw tightening.

all the horrible weight i had seemed to have been carrying fell on me. i wailed painfully. i hadn't ever cried so hard like this. i hadn't ever felt anything more painful. i remembered the time billie first said i love you to me in her red room, when both of our hands were on each other's cheeks. i was taken back to our first kiss in the tree house, i looked back on how i watched billie's dance shows and how i always thought she was the best one out of all. i remembered when she came into the bathtub with me. i remembered the first time we had sex in her bedroom. i sobbed harder when i remembered the way she would sleep on top of me, naked, our legs tangled. i couldn't stop imaging her sitting on that bed on stage, telling thousands of people that she loves me more than anyone. i couldn't stop reliving the way she thumped on the ground after the bullet struck.

i muttered after i had eventually caught my breath, "just tell them to kill me!" finneas glared at me and snapped, "no! i cant lose you, too!" we cried for a long time after that. she's passed when i decided i needed to see her. i got myself out of bed and hobbled out the door. finneas didn't try to stop me. i think because he knew he couldn't. i was sniffling as i was walking down the hall, my barefoot feet tingling on the hard, chilly floor, shock was building up. i found the room we had been in and i opened the door. maggie was just sitting with her face in her hands, not making any sound. patrick was wiping his still shedding tears. "billie..." i uttered. i saw her laying in bed, more pale than ever, still as stone. i walked up to her and looked her right on the face.

veins showed around her forehead and her lips had turned a light shade of lavender. her cheeks were no longer rosy, but a distinct color of blue. but she still looked beautiful. they had closed her eyes, i could see. what if i... opened them? i pushed open her two eyelids that were nearly glued shut. i shuddered when i saw her pretty blue eyes that had glazed over. i looked up at the ceiling as if she were staring at something up there. "hey... bils," i laughed and snot slipped out of my nose. i touched her stone cold cheek. momentarily, i thought she was stone, a replica. her skin was freezing and stiff. i couldn't pinch her chubby cheeks anymore because they were frozen. my lip quivered as i swallowed back gallons of tears.

i wiped her black hair from her forehead and tucked it behind her purple ear. i imagined her smiling at me. i inhaled sharply and shakily, some tears drenching my neck. i traced my finger tips down her neck to the bruise on her collarbone. i had given her that hickey a few nights prior when we were having one of our adventurous moments. it was still there. i traced my hand down over her breasts that were covered by merely a sports bra. i dodged the wound they had covered up and touched her bellybutton. how soft and perfect it had been. it was still perfect. i moved my hand back up to her face. she was staring up at nothing and it killed me to see the light had drained from her completely. all of her ambitions and dreams and love for everyone had disappeared within seconds.

i leaned in and kissed her frozen lips. they were still plump and soft. i sobbed on top of her face and tears wet her cheeks. "come back, please..." maggie couldn't even look at me. she had started crying again and i heard patrick sob into his arm, "oh my god." finneas stood in the doorway, swaying back and forth. i started to sing unevenly, "the smile that you gave me even when you felt like dying... we fall apart as it gets dark... i'm in your arms in central park. there's nothing you could do or say, i can't escape the way i love you..." i cried into her stomach, clutching her hair and one of her cold hands. "did you feel like dying tonight billie?" i asked her. "did you have to escape the way you love everyone?" i laughed, "you didn't even finish when the party's over..." i wiped my cheeks. "i'll finish it for you. ok? your last song? i could lie say i like it like that, like it like that..."