when i'm gone

goodbye and hello

it was the day before billie and her family left for tour and it had been two weeks since i found out i was pregnant, and i made the decision to keep it. i could already begin to see the changes in myself. billie was leaving at 4 am for a flight to europe, so i couldn't stay the night. it was late afternoon and we tried to spend every second together. it was hard to go out in public with her since most of my family didn't know about us yet and she was famous, so. we were swimming together at a pool. no one was here today, for some odd reason. i was in billie's arms and she cradled my ass as i wrapped my arms around her neck. "i'm going to call you every night," she promised. "you better!" billie smirked, "phone sex?" i licked the tip of her nose. "definitely!"

we swam until it was dark. the pool lights didn't work and it was completely black. we had stripped off our bathing suits and made out for hours. i check the time at one point and it was 10:30 pm. "fuck, we should go." we got out of the pool and dried off, walked home freezing cold, and stood between our houses. "this is goodbye for now," i spoke sadly. billie shook her said, "no this is a new beginning. say hello to our new future. ok? no goodbyes." i played with her faded dark purple hair. "ok. fine. hello baby!" i grinned and embraced her in a hug. nothing sexual. a genuine hug. we hadn't hugged in a long time. i held her close and we both ended in tears. "you're coming to my show in la. 100%. only 2 months to go until i'm home for a little bit. you can make it!" i nodded sadly and said through a stuffy nose, "i love you." "i love you more."

i watched her walk into her house from the bottom of the porch stairs. i saw finneas open the door for her and he looked at me after billie was out of sight. he walked down to me and gave me a warm hug. he placed his hand beneath my bellybutton under the hug and then went back inside. was he saying goodbye to the baby? i walked home and was met with a horrible scream. i saw cc holding mom's hand and twyla looking frantic. "what's going on?" i dropped my towel on our wooden floor. "moms gonna have the baby!" cc shouted at me. i gasped, "we need to take her to the hospital!" i ran to my room and put on sweats and a sweatshirt over my wet bathing suit.

cc buckled mom into the backseat of my car and sat in the back with her. twyla was in the passenger seat with me, telling me to step on the gas every time i slowed down at a light. we arrived at the hospital. they took mom in the stretcher into the building as the rest of us were just getting out. my bathing suit had soaked through my clothes, i looked like a mess. we signed in at the front desk. i held cc's hand hard, both of our palms sweating. our new sibling was going to be born. it still made me angry sometimes to think that mom had gone and gotten herself pregnant when she knows she shouldn't have. then again... i was being hypocritical. i knew i was going to have to tell everyone eventually.

the three of us sat in the hospital room with mom and waited through her agonizing screams. "excited?" cc looked at me. his long brown hair was mismatched, unbrushed, some strands plastered to his face from sweat. he's so precious. "no," i said bluntly. twyla cleared her throat, as if telling me to shut up. the doctor came in and smiled at us, "it's time!" mom groaned, "dear god, no..." the process begun and we all watched in horror. was this what it was going to be like for me? i stared as the head was pushed through its barrier and mom howled in pain. i saw a precious little wet baby in gloved hands being rushed to cut off its umbilical cord. i was in awe. that was going to be me in 9 months.