Sissy Boy

•40•

  The ride home was quiet. The thick tension was slowly pulling the air out of my lungs. My weak eyes were glued to the road ahead. What would I do if I don't find him? My breath hitched at the thought.

"Home" I hadn't even realized that the car had come to a stop.

  I mumbled an incoherent response as we both exited the vehicle. I shut the door and so did he. With a single click, the car was locked. I huffed quietly as we both started heading for the front door.

  I was weak, my limbs were numb but I managed the short walk. My eyes were stinging as I threw each foot forward, heading home when I should be out looking for Ryder. But where could I look for him?

  Harry had opened the door for me, letting me in first. I trudged passed him, my eyes were downcast and void of that radiant glint. I was depressed.

"Honey" my mom piped and rushed over, hugging me lightly.

"It's done, I returned the necklace" immediately the words left my mouth, she hugged me tighter.

"Oh baby, you did the right thing" she whispered and I nodded.

"But now...now I don't even know where he is" I immediately broke in tears in her arms.

  She hugged me even tighter and then Harry followed. They both felt warm, I felt safe in their arms but it was nothing compared to Ryder. I needed to find him.

  I sniffled, tapping on their arms signalling them to unwrap me.

"I'll be in my room" they both looked at each other sadly before looking down at me, nodding.

  I was loosened from the warmth and although I really needed it, I needed more alone time as well. I instantly began slowly walking up the stairs.

"G'night" they both said in unison and I nodded, now walking up the stairs.

  I finally reached our room. The moment I looked up after shutting the door, it was like I could feel his presence in the room. I felt like I could still see him, feel him, touch him.

  The welled up tears in my eyes slowly began to seep out and I instantly lost all balance, falling stiffly to my knees. I could remember the first day I'd come home. I remember how angry he was to see me. But were his glares really filled with anger or betrayal for his father? The scowls, the glares and the shutting people out, it was all his own way of dealing with the depression.

  Smoking, it was never his addiction, it was only another means of coping. His addiction however, was his craving need to let go of the burdens. The burden that came with his mom's diagnosis, the burden that came with her death, the burden that came with his dad's alcoholism and the burden that came with his dad's betrayal. Under that smoker boy was a vulnerable and shattered boy who just wanted closure from his mom's death. He tried looking for it in anger and cigarettes but when he was actually trying to find it in me, I was never there for him.

  I was gonna find him, find my broken little smoker boy and I wasn't gonna rest till I did. I hoisted myself up from the floor wiping away my tears. I went ahead to rid myself of my clothes.

.......

  I stepped into the shower, allowing my body to capture warmth embodied in every drop of water that seeped out of the perforations. I grabbed some shampoo and I instantly remembered the time he'd pulled me close. My face was buried in his toned chest as he took light sniffs of my hair.

"Your hair smells nice" my cheeks went crimson at the memory.

  I could never forget the deep eye contact we made afterwards. At that moment, I knew I was looking at the most beautiful and intriguing pair of hazels. They were sparkling with an emotion I didn't know at the time but now I knew. This boy loved me with all shattered pieces of his heart and instead of making a damn choice, I chose to play him, stomping on his already broken heart. I did a terrible thing.

  My fingers reached out of my hair. The water had washed off the mix of shampoos. I proceeded to washing my other parts before stepping out. I picked up a towel and as I was passing, I stopped, turning back and retracing my steps till I stood in front of a mirror.

  I carefully scrutinized my body. I wondered how it was even possible to love my ugly self. I was scrawny. I looked malnurished and although I never really speak of it that much, I wasn't very confident about my looks. I let out a heavy sigh, walking passed.

.......

   I had completely dried my self up. My hair was up in a bun and I was putting on my nightly tee. I knew I wasn't gonna get a minute of shut eye but I still decided to get in bed.

.......

  I was weak and my entire body was numb. I snuggled close to my comforter, sobbing quietly. I don't know how long it's been but I was sure my eyes were now swollen and bloodshot.

   I glanced over at the alarm clock, 2:34 am. I've laid in this bed for hours, not getting even one minute of sleep. I let out a shaky breath. Tears began to form in my eyes as I clinged closer to my sheets.

How was I going to find him? I began sobbing into the soft linen when suddenly, I heard a small noise.

  I wiped away the tears, listening closer. The sound came again and that's when I noticed it came from my phone which was on the night stand. The screen was lit up so I guess I had messages but who'd be up at this time.

Unknown number: Hey it's Luther, got your number from Jason, you up?

Unknown number: Dumb question, I know you couldn't sleep, I need you to come out of your house. I'm waiting.

  I was confused. Why would Luther want to see me and at this time. I shrugged, saving his number afterwards.

Me: why would you want to see me now? I don't understand.

Luther: Just hurry up

Me: why?

Luther: I know where Ryder is

Me: On my way

I'm definitely not stalling. I absolutely have no emotional problem ending Sissy Boy...*eye twitches* two more chapters...